Prince Toddy Bear

For my 40th post I want to do something real special.

When I started this blog I told myself that I wouldn't ever do something like this, but it has become nearly impossible to be authentic in my posts without doing this. I have a couple of posts that I'm ready to put up, but I need to do this first.

I'm ready to introduce the blogging world to someone very important in my life.

Everyone, say Hi to Todd!
(He's on the left... I'm his right hand man ;)

Those of you that are friends with me on Facebook, or have talked to me in the past 2 months have probably heard me brag lots already about this boy. However, allow me to continue on this post :)

Todd is an artist and musician who blesses my life with the beauty he brings to it. He works for a wide range of theater companies through out the valley, designing sets, playing the piano, and instructing classes. He has an endless list of side jobs that keep him busy and smiling.

More than that though, he is a really sweet guy. He is the first to lend a hand to help someone in need. He's open minded and can see from other people's perspectives. He understands what I'm going through as a gay Mormon, because he's going through it too. Its amazing to have someone that understands my culture and beliefs. Even though they may not be the same. He supports me.

He would do anything for me. He's already proven that.

I would do anything for him. I'm trying to show him that every day.

It feels like that story the princess and the frog.... except its the prince and the frog :)
He sees my warts and all of my faults, yet he sees my potential too. He's willing to take a big risk on me. Then he brings out the best in me.

O.K. Now I feel super cliche with all of this and I hate bragging about him where he can see it. ;)
But now you guys are all clued into the best thing in my world.

The title of this post was purposefully chosen in an attempt to embarrass this boy that is impossible to embarrass.
We'll see how it works. :)

Everyone Pick A Letter Before They're All Used Up... Twice

If you were to ask me what the best thing about being gay is, I would say the sense of community that comes with it. For sure.
But what do we call this Community?
This week I learned that there is an interesting disagreement on this. :)

GLB:

This is the first acronym that I ever remember hearing about. Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals. I don't really even believe in bisexuals, but they got their name in the initialism before I even came out.

LGBT:

Then I came out, and spent time with other gay people and I kept hearing this new acronym. Transgender is a new addition. I guess there is some argument over whether the G or L should come first. Personally, I say put the L first. It just flows better, plus I'm still a bit old fashioned; ladies first.

LGBTQ:

I got involved with helping a group here in the valley called 1n10 and noticed that they had added a "Q" (sometimes a "U" or just a "?") to the end for Questioning. So people that are not comfortable to come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender... and may possibly be straight... can still feel at home in our community.

LGBTQI:

Kathy Griffin was brilliant on Larry King!!!! On his show she made a reference to LGBTQI. She explained that "I" stood for Intersex but could not explain what that meant. A quick trip to Wikipedia gave me more information and visuals (literally... there were pictures) than I needed or wanted. In short, an intersexual person is a heraphrodite.

LGBTQIA:

PFLAG coined this term. This was probably the first time that I thought, "hmmm... that feels like a LOT of letters for one initialism." But "A" stands for Allies so I was willing to accept it.

LGBTQQIA:

Ok so THIS "Q" was added to stop any other letters from being added. It stands for Queer. I wasn't sure at first why it was needed since we already have gay, and lesbian in the acronym. I found out though, that its supposed to just be an umbrella term to cover all the non-traditional-sexual groups.
However, this didn't work as planed.


Sometimes other groups like to make sure their voice is heard and add their letter into the mix.

An additional T

Transvestites and Transexuals have been placed under the same category of Transgender, but they feel that their issues are different enough to require separate letters.

O

Omnisexuals (or pansexuals) are often mistaken for bisexuals but they would also like to be separated. Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women. Omnisexuals are attracted to people. They call themselves gender blind. Man, woman, or intersexual; there is no difference to an omnisexual.

An additional A

Asexual individuals do not experience any kind of attraction to anyone. I suppose it is the opposite of an omnisexual. I'm not sure why they would want to be listed amongst the ranks of such sexualized groups, but apparently there is a cry for it because they wish to have their "A" added to the acronym as well.

P

Polysexuality. This is the belief in a multiple partner relationship..........
ok I draw the line here...

If we satisfy every group we end up saying that we are part of the

LGBTTQQIOPAA community.

What happened to equality and unity and what not? Why are we separating ourselves further by adding more and more letters?
Don't misunderstand me. I believe that there is a need for EVERY group to have a voice, but we have to make a choice in order to be effective. Unite as one voice or Split up and address each groups individual needs separately.
I'm in favor of the later option. We are just too diverse of a group, looking for different things, to function as a collective unit.

I feel like we are just hurting each other by tying ourselves to one another. We each have our own battles to fight and issues to deal with.

• Transgenders have to worry about what public bathroom is acceptable for them to use.
• Some Polysexuals fight for the legalization of plural marriages.
• Intersexuals have to deal with gender labels.

Those are just some of the things I will never have to deal with.
So what is my community?
I friends in nearly all of these groups. I like all of my friends but my question is more of "who can I stand by and join them in their fight for rights?"

I would have to say that my community would look more like LGA (lesbians, gays and allies).
This isn't necessarily because I don't believe that all the other groups issues are not valid. Frankly, some I just do not understand.


But why are people trying to link us all together?

I'm Embarrassed...

• That I'm only 19... for the next 3 months
• About my job (I'm a window cleaner)
• Of my social awkwardness in large groups
  
• About my laugh
• Of the amount in my bank account
  
• That I have a non-muscular physique
  
• Talking about sex
• That I didn't serve a mission
• Of my feet (I blame the Biosphere)
  
• That I voted "yes" on Prop 102
• Of my ghetto car
• To dance sober
• Of how emotionally sensitive I am
  
• Of my past
• My musical inability
• That I'm still attending a Community College
• That I don't have perfect, clear skin
  

Austin's My New Hott Mess

Yes Todd, if you read this post, I stole it directly from you :)

So I know that some of you watched RuPaul's Drag Race. If you, like me, missed out, you should log on to LOGO.com right now and catch up on the whole season.

Why do/did we like Drag Race?
Because it is a GUARANTEED HOTT MESS.We enjoy the sporadic fights that broke out over nothing. The melt downs that were triggered by petty offenses. The rare touching moments. The bitching.... It was just so surreal that it was laughable and brought an hour of joy into our lives.

But now it is over.
:(

So what is a queer to do?
Four words and one acronym.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF

A new Hott Mess has graced the scene. MTV is now housing the craziest, most obnoxious, worse-than-you-can-imagine, show. Once again though, we find pleasure it knowing that our lives are so much (I hate to say "better than" or "more normal" since those seems like relative judgments.... but....) better than or more normal compared to than we may have thought other wise.

Its terrible.
But we love it!

One of the contestants, Stephen, is the only boy but brings half of the entertainment. Labeled as "The Gay Mormon" I had high hopes that he would be a public figure to shed a good light on all of us Homo-Momos. However, this typical gay seems to bring more laughs through his ditzy-persona than to be a serious public representitive.

So, moral of the blog:If you are looking for some low quality entertainment tonight that will keep you laughing all week long, check out the newest Hott Mess on T.V.
:)

There's No Place Like Home, Home, or Home.

Drum roll please.
*bum dum rum*
*bum dum rum*
*bum dum rum*

I've been officially moved out of my parents house for a week now!
**TA DA**

Well, in reality I moved out like a month ago. But now it is official!

Now I feel like I have 3 homes though.

The House

My parents say I'm always welcome in their home. Which I believe. To an extent. Warning: yes I know the following is a run-on sentence and an immature rant.
As long as I put on an act and pretend to be someone that I'm not, so that my family can feel comfortable in their little-piece-of-heaven-on-earth, even though my actions would would in no way defile their safe-haven more than my sisters' non-temple weddings already have, but in their eyes its different because MY actions challenge all of the prejudices that they've had and been able to hold on to and never question because, until now, it has never directly effected them, so instead of growing up and stop discriminating against me they would rather ignore it and have me impersonate the son they wish they had. *sigh*

Home

In contrast to my parents house in Queen Creek, Home is directly in the middle of civilization. It sits on that fuzzy line between Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Tempe. This is where I'm the happiest. I've lived here for the past month and still spend most of my time here. Someday I'll officially move in here.

My Place

This is where most of my stuff is for the next two and a half months. I'm subletting this apartment with a super sweet girl, KC, for the summer. I'm literally less then a mile from the heart of ASU campus and the Light-Rail System runs practically past my front door. I love that I have empty space and bare walls for me to make my own. I work in the mornings, and KC works at night. So between our mismatched schedules, and the time I spend at Home, I have a true sense of independence. Its liberating. Even though I'm not really on my own, I feel like this is the experience that was my goal to acquire anyway.

Daddy's Child

I love my father. More than that, I like him and I have a good relationship with him.
It seems that this is a rare statement to be heard among gay men.

The other day I was having car troubles (actually I still am *sad face*) and my dad agreed to help take a look at it. After looking it over for a couple of hours we gave up. We put the tools away and went inside. When we got inside I saw him smiling. After such frustrating work on my car, that yielded no results, in the AZ 105 degree heat, I saw little to smile over. I finally got frustrated and asked, "What are you so smirking about?"
His smile just got bigger and he said, "I just like you a lot."
I forgot about my irritation with my car. Too often I feel like I have just been one big disappointment to my parents, so hearing things like that send me into shock.
In spite of everything, my dad is still proud of me.

I fully expect that my kids will give me just as much grief that I've put my parents through. I want to raise my kids to be better than me however. I think that is every parent's hope though. I will encourage them to set high goals and standards for themselves, and reach them.
Obviously I do not expect, or even hope for, perfection from my children. My past/present decisions will help me to have understanding and compassion for my children no matter what.
I don't worry too much about it though. I feel like open communication is key to any relationship. My children will be smart individuals with parents that are involved in their lives.

Fathers that LOVE and ACCEPT them so matter what.

Use Protection

Remember when you were 5 and you asked your parents where babies came from? Most of us who were curious enough to ask got some bull shit answer like " a stork" or "its just what mommies do". Or remember when your fish/bird/cat/dog died and your parents told you that it went to live in the ocean/on a farm?

Now, I'm sure that someone out there will say that their mom and dad were different and instead taught them the facts of life early on. However I feel that most of you can relate. I think most Mormon parents, like mine, tend to "Protect" their children by shielding them from the harsh realities of life. There were things going on around me that my parents believed were too much for me to handle or understand. So instead of giving me solid, real, answers, they chose to "Protect" me.

They did this in 3 ways.

1. Pacifying me by give me a fictitious answer that I would except as "truth" and get me to stop asking.
   
2. Give me only half of the truth and ignore the uncomfortable nitty-gritty details.
   
3. Completely ignore the fact that I had asked such a question.

They did this because, honestly, they felt in their hearts that it was in my best interest to do so.



I chose to protect my parents, because I honestly felt in my heart that it was in their best interest for me to do so.

Seventeen days ago (the day before I left for my California get-away) my parents confronted me about my blog. My mother wanted to know if I was "living a double life on this blog of [mine]".
No mom. Kim Possible lives a double life. Severus Snape lived a double life. I lived a double life my senior year when I was too afraid to tell you (or anyone for that matter) that I had a boyfriend. But not anymore...

I've been completely open with my parents about the fact that I'm gay and that I have no desire to change my orientation or to be celibate. I have let them know how I feel about certain issues (the Church, gay marriage and families, God, ect.)

But there were things in my life that I wanted to "Protect" them from. There were things that were going on in my life that I believed were too much for them to handle or understand. But in my effort to "Protect I decided that my parents three ways of handling my questions were not effective. I would "Protect" by avoiding topics like sex, drinking and tattoos, but be honest with them if they asked. I knew, however, that they wouldn't ask because they didn't want the answers to such questions. Easy enough right?

I'm sad that I can't "Protect" them from the realities of my life, but its ok that they know. I'm completely open and honest here on my blog and I have it set to public for a reason.

I found out where babies come from and what really happened to Lucy, the dog. My parents got their answers too.

Controversial Header

I had an interesting conversation with a reader of my blog the other day. This gay-LDS-reader from California expressed his views of... I'm not even sure. Whether he wanted to stay celibate or marry a woman, I have no idea but regardless, he did not agree with my plans for my future.
The conversation started nice enough but quickly turned bitter. However I do have to admit that this mystery reader did make a good point:

"I find it a bit odd that you have this really hot almost naked guy as your chat title and it says "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." Are you really trying to find your way or have you figured it out and now just trying to get enough support to believe what you want vs. what you may still believe but that doesn't really go in line with what you feel? If I may be so bold as to ask?"

Alright. Here I go. First off, yes I do have a hottie at the top of my blog. In fact if you haven't noticed yet I change my Header Man on the first of every month. I figure this is like a magazine and it deserves a new "cover" each month.

Yes the subtitle of my blog does say "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." I chose those words very carefully. I wanted to express who I am and what I'm doing here in the blog-o-sphere.

Am I trying to find my way or have I already figured it out? I believe that for the most part, I know the course that my life will take. I have spent years deliberating and trying to figure out what I, and the Lord, feel would be best for me and my future. I've thought about changing that subtitle, now that my future path has become more clear, but am I done trying to find my way? Absolutely not. I still have many more years (hopefully) to live and with that will come struggles, trials and road blocks. Life is a journey and we are all trying to find the way. I'm taking it one step at a time, with my head up and looking ahead.

Yes, I do like getting comments that give me support. I admit it! But not so that I can "believe what I want to." We as humans LOVE to be affirmed. We like having a sense of community. People like talking and listening to others who have similar struggles, beliefs, culture, and even sexual attractions. The reader that posed this question goes to church every week to be affirmed (or as he put it "believe what he wants to") and I blog.

That last part makes me giggle. I assure you that what I believe goes right in line with what I feel, and vice versa. If I didn't know for sure that what I'm doing was the best thing for me, why would I do it? Because I like losing the positive relationships that I had with my family? Because I like knowing that my "friends" are talking badly about me? Or maybe its just because I like all of the attention. Those of you that know me, on a personal level, know that I am highly social but do not enjoy being the center of attention. It makes me quite uncomfortable and anxious. I do know what is best for me. In spite of all of the shit that comes along with being openly gay, I get to be happier than I ever have been too. That makes up for everything else.

One Year Older And Wiser Too.

I've been out for ONE year now!

On the night of May 13, 2008, I told my father that I was gay. He told my mother later that night.
It was not until two or three weeks later that they actually associated the word "gay" with me, rather than just saying that I had "experimented".

This year was been quite the journey. That first month in and of its self was turbulent. I crawled out of the closet and had my first real look at myself. I actually called myself gay for the first time out loud, and no lightning came to strike me down. I was excited to share the feelings and thoughts that I'd been isolating in my head. I was dramatically depressed about not being able to serve a mission.

The rest of the year slowly got better. I wanted to change so bad and be the "normal LDS young man" and marry a woman. I went to therapy and got my hopes up. Shortly after starting, I realized it wasn't going to work. I'd signed up to CHANGE, and all they could promise me was for my gay feelings to "go down" and to "create" feelings for the opposite gender.
I wanted to quit therapy right then and there in that moment of realization, but therapy offered me something else. Not change, but a time to talk about my feelings in a non-judgmental environment. I had no one to talk to till then. My family didn't get it, or want to hear about it. I knew no gays (let alone gay Mormons). So even talking about the "negative" aspects of homosexuality with a therapist was still talking and I was able to get my feelings out in the open.

But I had just come out of the closet, and I was being asked to step back in. It was traumatic. There were a few times that I just had to sneak out it. This life of hiding and sneaking was miserable and unhealthy.

After nine months of therapy I came out again. This time I was running out of the closet. I'm so grateful for all of the friends that helped me get there.

Today I am happier than I have ever been. I can breath in the open air! I can look myself in the mirror without any regret. I don't worry about letting people see who I really am.
I know God. He loves me.

Blissful Bigot

To my family: I know you all are reading my blog by now. I'm going to continue writing the way I always have. I wish that you would stop checking in on this blog, or reading its content, but I can't really make you do anything.
In any case this specific post is NOT angled towards any of you in anyway

Gayness

"It has nothing to do with the Church's beliefs or doctrines. Its a question of moral integrity."

It amazes me that some people with priesthood callings in the Church are even further behind the times then the men who run it. Even they admit that my feelings are real.

The way that I have felt since I was just a little kid is a question of moral integrity? Now if you were to say that I'm immoral for sleeping with a boy before marriage then I might buy that. But to say that all homosexuals are in violation of moral laws/ codes of ethics, because we find ourselves attracted solely to members of our same gender.... that's hurtful. What did I do to bring this on me?

NOTHING

Yet you are ready to judge. This is something you have no experience with or understanding of.
What's more... You aren't even trying to understand. You are happy with being a bigot.
Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

Who's Confused?

I'm in California this week. Just before I left though, my parents tried to explain why they didn't want me to bring my boyfriend to Sunday Family Night Dinner.
"We are concerned. I mean the kids (my siblings) are just worried about... well you know. We just worry that the boys (my nephews) will... get confused."

Really? Do they think that I'll be making out with my boyfriend/fiance/husband at the dinner table? I DO hate the idea of having to hide my love for my significant other when my siblings don't have to. I feel like pretending that we are "room mates" or "best friends" only makes it seem like I condone the intolerance and prejudices that gays are fighting so hard to over come.
BUT I'm not a disrespectful twat. I want to be involved in my nieces' and nephews' lives. If that means that I have to live the "room mate" lie, then so be it. Even though I feel it is totally wrong to do that (it makes it seem like I am ashamed or embarrassed of who I am, the form my love takes, who I love, and what my life is), I can't control the way my siblings raise their children or what they want to "Shield" their children from. My choice then becomes whether I want to be involved in their lives or be forced out.

Really!? What kind of confusion are they talking about?
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be gay? If that is what they meant, then they really still do not get why gay men are gay. I thought they were beyond this point. If my nephews (or nieces for that matter) view a healthy and happy relationship between my partner and I, that will not change their sexual orientation. I was not exposed to any gay relationships growing up. Guess what! I'm still gay. And being gay is not the same as being curious.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be sexually curious? If this is what they meant then they don't understand where curiosities come from. This is in Psychology 101.
We as humans are curious about things that we don't understand. Hearing about, having impersonal interactions, or brief encounters with something (gay relationships) a persons curiosity will peek. This is due to a mystification that is caused by having a distance from, or ignorance of, this same something (gay relationships). If we gain information or have a close relationship with this something (gay relationships) however, we demystify the topic and extinguish the curiosity.
In other words my nephews are growing up in a more accepting time period. They will hear about gay relations and have more potential to be curious about trying gay sex, than if I were open and my relationship was just accepted.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to question what is right and what is wrong? Who cares? This is my life. You cannot know what I'm going through. I try to deal with what's mine the best I know. I live the way I know that I should. I'm sorry if you think that I should be living differently. It is a parents job to teach their children in their home, what they have interpreted to be right and wrong. So how long do you teach your children that your family is perfect, and that we don't have ANY disagreements on what is right and what is wrong? Reality is going to be quite a shock. It will be hard to explain why it is wrong for Uncle Austin to be married to a man and yet he is happy. I would prefer that they just tell their kids that it is wrong that I got married outside of the temple, but then I'm not the only one in the family with fault.
Do they think that my marriage would confuse them? All of my sisters have been married outside of the temple. Are my nieces and nephews being taught that those marriages are less important, and not as good? I was happy for all of my sisters when they got married. At times I truly felt that they were ruining their lives, but I had to wave away that thought, because they were happy. (Never did I question if it was "true-happiness", because it is not my place to determine whether or not someone else is TRULY HAPPY or not.) I was happy for them.
When my cousin Brad got married my parents took me to the wedding. It was in a beautiful not-LDS church somewhere. I was happy for my cousin and enjoyed the service and reception afterwards. When we went home that night my parents taught me their beliefs about marriage. So because mine will involve two grooms is it that much different than that situation?
Bottom line: Life IS confusing. If you think that my beliefs, clashing with your beliefs, will confuse your child, then be a good parent and try to guide them the best you can. But in the end the child will get to choose what he or she interprets to be right and wrong and that is not my fault.

REALLY!?!? Do you know what it would have been like for me to have someone to go to when I was learning to accept my sexuality? I would have given anything to have someone to talk to. Once Tiffani was gone I have no one in my life that understood what I was going through. I felt so much self-hatred, needless shame, and fear. I had this dream scenario of an actively gay and LDS man coming to tell me that I wasn't broken. I needed this affirmation-man so badly. I doubt that I would have turned to my first boy in High School and had sex. I didn't want to have sex; I wasn't super sexually curious. All I wanted was this affirmation-man to let me know that my God still loved me. That I was perfect just the way that I was. My first boy was able to tell me those things.
If by some chance one of my nephews turns out to be gay too, I hope to God that I am there and close enough to him, that I can be that affirmation-man for him. I would want to tell him that his life IS worth living, and I know that because I've been where he is.

Really family? Really.

Reunion

When I was six or so I met Tiffani. She treated me like a little prince from the day I met her. She pampered me and loved me. She was about 15 years older than me. She had a strong personality. She was beautiful. She was gay.

She was a very close family friend. My Saturdays were spent hanging out with her. I spent more time in the summers at her house than at my own. I would wake up early before school to go on bike rides with her. We went shopping together. If nothing else, she exposed me to Jamba Juice... so that should tell you just how cool she is :)

I was started to discover that I was gay when I turned 13 and I wanted to talk to her about it more than anything, but I had an unfounded fear that she would tell some one in my family that I was gay. Even though my family outwardly seemed to be ok with Tiff's sexual orientation, I knew that they would not be as cool about me coming out. Instead I sat back down in the closet and just observed this remarkable woman live her life unafraid of what others might think.

Then, just before I turned 14, Tiffani stepped out of my life without any warning. I was distraught. My best friend had abandoned me. The only one who knew what it was like to have "this gay thing" inside of me. It hurt so badly that I just worked my way further into the back of the closet to cry. I didn't want to associate with the woman that, it felt, had given up on me. I didn't want to be gay.

Years went by and I thought a lot about Tiffani. I never tried to contact her. I was sure that she had forgotten me long ago.

I got outed. I went to change therapy. I left change therapy. I came out.

Then two nights ago we went out to dinner.

She's the one that contacted me set up the dinner date. Apparently one of my sisters had talked to Tiffani recently and mentioned that I was gay, to which she responded, "Duh, we talked about that when he was nine, remember? I just worried that he'd never come out and accept himself."

I didn't realize how hurt and how much animosity I still had for her until I was standing face to face with her at her condo entrance. We awkwardly walked to dinner and I let my emotions flood inside of me. I felt sick and had no appetite.

"I'm sorry..." And with those words all of my old feelings about this marvelous woman came rushing back. She apologized for leaving so unexpectedly. We talked about a lot of things pertaining to the end of our previous friendship. I now understand where she was coming from and do not blame her at all for doing what she needed to do and taking care of herself.

I'm so grateful that she took the initiative to seek me out. I'm so happy to have her back in my life , and that she wants to be active once again in it.

Thank God for old friends, new friends, and good friends in general.

Thanks Boys

I owe a lot of bloggers a LOT of things.
To name a few...

Kurt: You have had a lot of influence in my life in just the little time that we've known one another. You talked me out of making one of the WORST decisions of my life. I can't thank you enough. I haven't been the kind of friend lately that you deserve. Don't give up on me.

Mark: I'm super grateful for your social abilities. And for your encouragement of me talking to/hanging out with complete strangers... Strangers that you've already checked out for me :)
You really do make me laugh more than you know, but I'm more impressed with the way you can get me to calm down, with just a phone call, when I'm all worked up.

Dallin: You exposed me to the blogging world (which has been a huge blessing). You were the first Moho I ever met that was not in change therapy. I knew then that there were other options. You were brave enough to come out publicly, and pave the way for me.

Landon: When we first started being friends, I was a mess. My views about the gospel and church were faltering. My expectations for a future husband were slipping. But then you came to help a friend out. We made lists of deal breakers, and deal bonuses. Our discussions helped me find my footing in the gospel. You made me realize that I'm worth a good husband and I don't need to settle. We'll get those dream weddings someday.

Pancakes: You're blunt. I like it. You have inspired me to be more emotionally independent. I'm so effected by what others say and think about me. I want some of that "I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think" confident mentality. You remind me to surround myself with positive people that boost me up and don't put me down. There is too little time in life to waste on people like that. You are upbeat and live life the way you feel is right. I admire that.

Capt. Midnight: Ok to be honest yours is one of the few blogs that I religiously read every word of. I think its because I can relate to you so well. I am encouraged by your relationship :)

Alan: I'm so excited to meet you! You really have become a father/teacher/adviser/therapist in my life. Thank you so much for being there when I need some one to vent to and get counsel from. You've reminded me that I DO know what joy and true happiness are. I've felt them and still feel them. No one else can tell me what I'm feeling or not feeling :)

I'm sure that I've left people out, but please don't be offended.
Its amazing that my interactions with you all have been limited but through our common struggles I feel very close to you all. Thanks for your comments, messages and feedback that you continually give. I enjoy getting your input. It is appreciated more than you know.

For The Record

Mr. Johnson wrote a narrative :)

I'm so flattered Mark... But did you string me out on GHB or something? I have no recollection of this. But it sounds like we had a lot of fun... in this fantasy of yours. Unfortunately I have to say, it's probably best if you do move on. Sorry Mark. You know why we can't be.

Change of Plans

Its funny how life works... you think you have everything worked out, and then nothing plays out how you thought.

1. I may be resigning my membership from The Church sooner than I thought. This hurts because I still have a testimony of so much of The Church. Of the fundamental and key points. But I'd rather beat them to the punch if you know what I mean. Lately I had even been thinking that it would be possible to retain my membership, forever. I mean I'm only a priest... surely The Church is more concerned with the Actively-Gay Elders or High Priests. However it looks like someone might be exploring the avenues that it would take to get my membership pulled. I'm interested to hear what all you bloggers think about my possible resignation.

2. I'm not moving up to Seattle this year. This does NOT mean I'm staying in the parents' house. I'm still moving out the first week of June. In fact I actually already know where and with who (I'm excited and nervous about the prospect of living with a girl!) I will be living. This was a very difficult choice to make, and perhaps it is the less practical choice to make, but I feel that staying is the right choice for me now. Things have changed. A great new opportunity has presented itself. I feel like I would be a complete idiot if I were to walk away from it without doing everything I possibly could to make it work. I'm tired of living in the "what if's" of life.

I can't thank you all enough for your comments on my last post. I needed that affirmation that I had made the right choice to stand up for myself. Life has been so good lately! I like the way I feel about myself. I have awesome friends and family and others in my life. I'm seriously so blessed.

The Smudge on My Perfect Week

My life is at an all time high! There are too many reasons to be happy and smile! I should be terrified to be so high up here on Cloud 9, because in the past I've fallen off. But I'm not!
How ever in the midst of this joy, annoying shit still happens.

My friend Scott got his mission call. Orlando, FL, Spanish speaking. I guess he really wasn't kidding about our friendship being over because I had to hear bout his call from my sister who is in his ward. My sister also mentioned that Scott's girlfriend (of a ridiculously dramatic 5 years) wanted to talk to me. I was shocked since she had deleted me as a facebook friend on the same night as Scott.
I thought about it, and then added her, again, as a facebook friend.
Here is the conversation that followed:

GF: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Scott wants to still be your friend, but only if you can respect his views.

ok. so many things wrong with this. ( A) You send your girl friend to be a third party messenger? (B) You are asking me to change something so that you can get what you want? That's not how the world works...

ME: umm... I'm sorry? His views? Like his belief that I chose to be gay?

GF: Yes. Austin, you can't expect others to just accept your views of Homosexuality, and then chose not to respect their views.

ME: Oh, I respect that he has views. But he doesn't really get to have views on what makes me gay, since he himself is NOT gay. I mean who's views are more respectable on the topic of Nuclear Physics? The Nuclear Pysicist? Or the Real Estate Agent's son?

GF: Well I support Scott 100%, so I don't know how we can be friends with your unaccepting attitude.

ME: My unaccepting attitude... GF, do you see that my choices to do what makes me happy hurts NO ONE, while his stuborn, and unproven opinions are extremly hurtful to millions of people?

GF: Austin, I hope you realize you are pushing people away.

ME: Well, actually of all the people that now know the real me, you and scott are the only ones who have chosen to step out of my life.... funny huh...

GF: Goodbye Austin.

ME: yep.

Really? Really? Was I off base? I mean, I have friends that have let me know that they don't support me seeking a marriage with a man. I can be semi-ok with that. I can still talk to those people and love them for who they are. But should I really take back a friend who feels that I would choose to be gay? One that does not want to even hear a glips of one of the biggest parts of my life? One that, I know, in the back of his head is always thinking about how I'm headed straight for hell?

My Newest (not so) Secret.

So I have a suspicion.

Its sort of unfounded.

I think my parents have found my blog and are reading it.
Why do I think this?

• Well I talk to them about the blogging community and have even suggested that they read some of them before I had a blog of my own.
• Four days after posting THIS, my dad pulled me aside. He asked me if I had been upset on that Sunday, and then proceeded to address every issue, as listed in my post.
• I have caught my mother on several occasions reading random people's blogs. Never Gay-Mormon blogs. I know I'm paranoid, but at the top of everyone's blog there is a button that says "next blog" and if she were to be on a Moho blog, and heard me comming into the room, she could easily hit that and end up at a random person's blog.
• My dad knows things about my life that I haven't shared with him, but have with the blog-o-sphere (i.e. my Pride experience.)

So why haven't I just addressed it with them? Well there is a good chance I'm out of line and imagining this all. I don't want to accuse them unjustly, and then plant the idea in my head. I mean frankly I'm so blunt and honest in my blog because I think they don't read it. I don't have to sugar coat anything for them. I can share how I really feel about them. (Although the past couple of weeks its been all positive feelings anyway.)

But if you guys are reading this, I'm actually pretty happy about this. The fact that you would have to go out of your way to find it, and that you are no longer ignoring this part of my life is huge. It would mean that you actually care about me, and not solely what the Church says. I love you mom, and dad, with all my heart. You guys have been excellent parents and have done your very best to raise me. I take responsibility for my actions. My thoughts, ideas and beliefs are my own.

I really want to know though if you are reading this... so I can only think of one way to find out...



I don't think you'll be able to let this go with out some discussion....

Curiosity Almost Killed Me

I hated those sheep! I hated every wooly fiber of their bodies. But my feelings did not stop me from begging to go with my brother, Curtis, to feed those dumb sheep. The late night trip, in the shivering-cold weather, to the pasture was more than frightening to my little seven-year-old-imaginative-mind, but fear slowly vanished at the thought of getting to spend time with my brother. I got a flashlight too, and what fear can stand up to a flashlight?
I had never gone to the pasture at night before and that little plastic flashlight was the only thing that would be able to help me cope with my deathly fear of the dark. It was a window to my imagination, and my source of comfort.
When I got out of the car I knew that I would have to stay in the pasture all by myself with the enemies while Curt went into the barn to get the sheep food. I was terrified. I could see the moon reflecting off of their extremely white coats, but their beauty did not fool me. I knew they had it in for me.
I clung to the flashlight waiting to see what those four sheep might try to do next. Sneak attack? Surround me? Anything was possible, so it was just best to always be on guard. I tried so hard to stay out of their way and pray that they would stay out of mine. I’m not sure what compelled me to do what I did next, but I suspect that curiosity just got the best of me. I spotlighted the sheep with my flashlight.
You would never be able to see them unless you knew where to look, but all up and down my body I have numerous scars. You never know how much damage a hoof can do until sixteen of them run over the top of you and pierce your skin. Luckily I faint pretty easy, so most of the experience I can’t remember, but its what followed that is most important to me. I awoke in the arms of my brother who was crying and screaming at me to wake up. All the pain I felt then disappeared in a sense. Nothing mattered. It took me a second to even figure out why he was crying at all.
Those scars to me do not remind me of pain, or dark memories that accompany some people’s scars. They are permanent reminders to me about the love that my brother had, has, and always will have, for me.

Feel Proud.

This past weekend was Pride here in Phoenix, AZ.

(Yes I know it wasn't in June which is really weird. But its freaking HOT in June here in Phoenix! So rather than commemorating the 6/28/69 Stonewall Riots like typical Prides, we had it the day after the National Day of Silence. Kind of a cute idea I thought; to have like this huge celebration right after a day of protest.)

This was my first Pride, and it was crazy!

I wore a t-shirt and jeans. I was way too dressed up. There was a drag queen in a full ball gown and feather boa, and she was possibly the only person there wearing more clothing than me.

There was a parade that was SUPER long. It started out very slow, but by the end everyone was super excited... and hungry.

The festival itself had many, many, booths set up. Everyone was shopping and and grabbing their share of free merchandise. Condoms were abundant.

Some of the local gay clubs had set up two big dance floors as well. It was as close to Queer As Folk's Babylon as I could imagine.

Was it worth the fifteen bucks? Absolutely. Will I go again? Most likely. Was it everything I expected? No.

Like I've said, yes, there were nearly naked drunk boys running around handing out condoms and dancing quite provocatively. But it wasn't entirely the big party scene I had envisioned. Instead there was something cooler that I saw. There were Gay and Lesbian couples there with their children. It was sort of a family event. Families were eating meals together and playing in the grassy areas. Displaying genuine family values.

I hope that someday that will be me.



By the way.... In conjunction with this post, congrats GQ. Much better job on the May issue.

I'm So Lucky!

I really am.

I have an unbelievable family. It seems that I only whine about the times that they make me want to cry and go away but in actuality they are amazing.

This weekend a friend of mine stayed with me. A gay friend. My parents were very cool about it. I could tell that it was very awkward for them, but they let him stay there and were very gracious hosts. My parents are really trying to understand and accept who I am. I'm so thankful for this. This weekend they actually took a step to support me. They are amazing.

My mom was concerned that my siblings wouldn't be as understanding and supportive, so in an effort to eliminate drama, she suggested that we cancel our standard Sunday-Family-Dinner while my guest was in town. I got really upset without thinking. I just kept imagining Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinner being canceled years down the road when I get married, so that mom could shield the family from my gayness. Never did I think about how my mom was really trying to protect me from my siblings.

So Sunday-Family-Dinner went on as usual. I am so glad that it did. I think it was eye opening for everyone. My friend played with the little ones, helped my sisters out, and joined in conversations. My family's reaction to him was more than I could have hoped for. They were genuinely kind and appreciative of him. They never interrogated him but instead spoke to him as if he was one of the family from the moment that they walked in the door.

I have friends that have been disowned for being gay. I have other friends who's families have sent them to psych wards or treatment centers to stop the gayness. I even have a friend who's own brother has tried to kill him for being gay.
Yet all I tend to focus on are my friends who have amazingly understanding supportive families, and whine about the fact that my family isn't quite there yet. But the fact of the matter is they do love me. They love me so much that they are concerned they won't get to spend the rest of eternity with me. As unfounded as this worry of theirs is, it shows that they really do care about me. That's something huge.

In June I'm moving away to Seattle, WA. I’m not running away. I didn’t wait, move away, and then inform the family of my plans for my future. I’m not moving away to avoid or escape my family. It is time though, for me to get away. I can't live under my parents' roof for ever. I need to be an independent decision maker. School has given me the opportunity to do so. The plan is to do one year at Seattle Central, become a Washington State resident in that year, then transfer to University of Washington. The campus is beautiful, they have a great psychology program, and its about 1,555 miles from my house.

My parents are not excited about this idea. They would like me to live at the house forever and keep me out of trouble. I'm think I'm pretty lucky that they still want me around.

Why???

Today has been one of the most stressful and exciting days of my life.

I'll never forget it.

At moments I was happier than I ever have been.

I experienced a pain I never imagined that I would.

I was accepted.

And rejected.

I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.

I can't keep the smile off of my face.


Is this what it's like to be bi-polar?

Check This Hand Cause I'm Marvelous

TODAY is SUCH a GOOD day!

First of all, I got my taxes paid! I feel like a real American!

I got the biggest Dr. Pepper that Wendy’s could offer!

I mailed off my transcripts!

I was late to every class today (I still got my favorite seat and missed no notes), but was actually early to work!

I’m looking forward to the rest of this week! Forbidden! Pride! Visitors! Yay!


But the best thing of all today….
I've always debated telling my dad's side of the family that I'm a fag. I mean I'm out, and not staying in the closet for anyone, but I just don't feel like telling them. If they hear rumors, I'll be honest with them.
Let me explain though. My father's side of the family is a little behind the times. Many of my cousins' trucks are adorned with the Confederate Flag and "gun control" might as well be a swear word. Not to mention, they are Mormon. Red neck and white trash are how they refer to themselves. I prefer to think of them as just closed-minded.
Well today my favorite cousin in the whole world gave me a call. I've been kind of ignoring her because I know that she has been very curious about why I'm not on a mission right now. Her and I have never kept any secrets from one another.... except my big one of course.
Today I called her back though.
We talked a lot about how I'm moving out of state in June. This lead her to ask how I was handling things with my family. She has seen how my family can be when people stray from "the straight and narrow". In order to explain everything I had to tell her.
First I made her promise to never tell any one what I was about to say. I got very dramatic about it. She promised of course and then I said it.
"Mellisa, I'm gay."
The line was silent for a few seconds and then she said,
"Austin, What if I were to say, 'no shit Sherlock'?"
I was able to exhale. She just laughed a little and then continued to say, "well you’re pretty cute so you'll do well out there."
We got a bit more serious after that and I explained why I didn't want to tell the rest of that side of the family. She, surprisingly, totally understood. She told me that no one needed to know. I didn't have to tell any one. I'm still Austin, the kid they all love so nothing really changes.
She told me multiple times that she is so proud of me she is and how brave I am to deal with something like this, especially in our family.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear from a family member.
I'm so ecstatic I cannot stop smiling!

Oh and Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” has played every single time I’ve gotten in the car. (That's were the title of this post comes from btw. I've got all the lyrics down now ;) Could it be any better?

Paper Cuts

My heart is racing. I hate all of this shit.
(I don’t expect anyone to read this long, vague at times, bitchy rant)

My sister: About 2 1/2 weeks ago I came home from my trip to find a letter in my room from my sister. I love her. She is about 12 years older than me. I have never been in a fight with her and have always admired her ability to keep calm in stressful situations. She's an analytical person and about the only one in my family that ISN'T outspoken. Which is why the letter came as such a shock.
I know that the letter was written out of love and came straight from her heart, but that is probably what makes it more painful. She told me she thinks there is a girl preparing herself for me and that I needed to move past the gay "struggles and trials" to prepare for this potential-wife. She also suggested that I spend the next two years on a "personal mission,” living within the Church's guidelines, to find out how I really feel about the Church and my sexuality. What does she think I was doing from the age 13 till I was 17?
I used the next week to pray about what to write back. I feel like I was able to convey how I feel and what I believe accurately and respectfully. I gave her my letter last Sunday. I still am waiting to see if she will reply at all.
She mentioned that the family could not support, understand, or be happy for the plans I have for my life. I'm disappointed that they can't support me or understand. More than that, I am hurt that they can’t be happy for me deciding to do what will make me truly happy. I have loved, supported, accepted, and been happy for them, their marriages and their families. I would like the same in return, but I don’t need it.
This has been a monumental shift in my thought process.

My best friend: Scott and I met my seventh grade year. We had to write biographies about one another in our English class. We hated each other. But by the time that the eighth grade rolled around we became inseparable. We both became racquetball posers and the biggest band geeks known to man. He became another child to my parents, brother to my siblings and attended numerous family functions. We have gone on road trips and spent weeks living at each others houses.
I mentioned here that I told Scott only recently that I'm a fag. He asked for 2 weeks to think things through. I was still on vacation when that two weeks ended. He texted me and told me that we needed to talk in person, so when I go home we set up a time when we could chill. He said that to make our friendship last I would need to never discuss the gay aspects of my life with him again. He went on to tell me that he was positive that being gay was a mindset I had created and chosen to be. I was near tears.
I looked at him and told him that I loved him as much as my own brother, but he couldn't say that being gay is a choice because he wasn't gay himself. He got really frustrated and told me what "God" thought of me and my decisions and then dropped me off with a, "I'm sorry it had to end like this."
He liked me better before he knew the real me.

JiM: I can’t really get into all of this, but in essence I can’t talk to my “Journey into Manhood brothers” anymore. I’m partially to blame for this rejection, but it didn’t justify the humiliation and embarrassment that director of JiM has put me through. I know I’m being vague. Sorry.

The ex: I got a 9 page letter from an ex-boyfriend of mine last week. The first two-thirds of the letter were an explanation of the negative feelings that he experienced during our relationship, when I broke up with him, and since then. He pointed out several areas that he feels that I have changed and “become a completely different person.”
The last third of the letter was spent telling about how he screwed me over and somehow he STILL managed to make me feel like it was my fault. I never want to see him again. My friends think this is the smart thing to do. Even with that kinda distance will he still be able to make me feel like shit?

My parents: Okay this is going to sound totally morbid and weird.
My parents got us all together tonight after family dinner tonight to discuss their Living Wills, Power of Attorneys, Family Trust, ect. They are perfectly healthy, but realize that they are getting older. They just wanted us all to know our roles.
First they discussed the Living Wills. My brother and oldest sister got put in charge of that. Cool. I’m not the decision maker on pulling the plug. I’m fine with that.
Then they discuss the Will. My other two sisters will be the financial distributers. Awesome, I’m not going to have responsibility over passing out the money and selling the house.
I’m the only child not in charge of anything. I can over look that. Who wants those duties anyway?
Then they discuss the Family Trust. I am the only child that cannot access any of the family money. That is till I am 30. If my parents were to die tonight, I would have no where to live. No money. No juvenile-provisions established. I immediately got anxious and privately went to talk to my parents about this. They got frustrated out of no where and told me that I was an adult now, going off to school out of state.
Yeah I’ll be out of state soon. We’ll see if I can afford to fly down for your funerals if I need to.

Bread Maker

I can still smell the fresh bread and feel the cold air rushing through the kitchen window and into our small house. It was always whole-wheat. I hate whole-wheat. But I loved the bread. I think that it might have been the fact that I knew that it was made out of love for me that made the starchy taste of red whole-wheat melt away. But it isn’t about the bread; it’s about the woman who made it.
I can still see the little 5’6’’ woman standing at the long kitchen counter humming a song (more than likely a church hymn) under her breath as she measures out some ingredient and adds it to the mix. Her smile would widen as I entered the kitchen in my footy pajamas and she would greet me with a, “Good morning handsome. How did you sleep?” I think that she truly cared and sincerely wanted to know if I had slept well or not. But that’s just who she is; a caring person.
My mother has a heart of gold. She has raised five kids all of whom will admit to being problem children. Under her watch the oldest four have stayed out of jail, contributed to society and all found spouses who have mellowed them out a bit. After the oldest four left the nest she became the on-call-24-7-nurse for her mother, and at the same time balanced her family and running a business out of the home. She taught me all about service and what it means to be a true friend. If I am guilty of not being a good person, it is my own fault, she is not the one to blame.
As a child my father worked a lot and it was my mother that raised me. Her strong will, charisma and stubbornness have become embedded in my character. Because of our similar dispositions we often find ourselves frustrated and discontent with the other over the smallest of disagreements.
She has struggled a lot over the past few months. Her dreams of me growing up, going on a mission and marring a beautiful girl in the temple have all been discarded. I get so easily frustrated that she won't give me the support that I need right now. I feel like she will come around.
In the current busyness of lives and the bad attitude that I so often have there aren’t many mornings like the ones of my youth. She no longer has the role of the playmaker in my life which is frustrating to her, but I will always be grateful for those early years. It was then that I learned who she was and what kind of a person I want to be. There will never be a time that I walk into a kitchen and I cannot still taste the bread or hear her say, “Good morning handsome. How did you sleep?”

Dear Elder Oaks,

The fact that the Church does not meet my needs, and that I realize that, does not make me self-centered. Why won't the Church just look at and address why it can't meet the needs of thousands of other men like me? Thanks

False Doctrine!

There is something magical that happens. It is a huge highlight for me. I even try to predict the day that it will occur. And it happens EVERY month.

No, I’m not talking about that creepy feminine phenomenon.

It is called GQ

I love getting mail, e-mail, comments, texts ect. because I feel like someone was thinking of me… Even if it is just my college reminding me to return a book to the library. ( I really do need to remember to return that.)

Specifically I love getting GQ though. It makes me super excited to go the gym that night. My rule is that first I have to get a good, hard run in... and then, I let myself just get on the elliptical while I read the new issue! Kind of a dorky way to do it, I guess, but hey, it's better than just sitting around and reading it, right?

I happened to be out of town on the day that the April issue hit the stands and my mail box. So as I walked thru a book store on my trip and saw this cover of GQ I nearly cried.

Beautiful, funny, smart, talented people have all graced the cover of GQ, and now there is this guy. A joke right? nope! He is really on there.

I know that not all of you back me on this. D. has even said that, “Everyone hated [the movie version of Twilight] but I think its because they are jealous of Edward! ;)”
Let me be clear. I am TOTALLY jealous of Edward. I am REVOLTED by Rob Pattinson.

My beautiful, color schemed, scriptures have been tainted.

Andy...

I haven’t stopped thinking about what he asked me yesterday. How do you know if God is blessing your life or if its coincidence? Is there even such a thing as coincidence? I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but as I tried to reply I realized how lost I was on this topic.

I proposed a few ideas such as praying or trying to feel the Spirit testify of God’s influence in such actions, but it didn’t feel like what I was saying was the WHOLE answer. Plus there is the whole idea of, “do things just happen, for no good reason”?

So we moved on that night and talked about other things, but I began to analyze the ensuing events of the night. Its amazing how many times I had to ask myself if some little thing had been said or done as coincidence, or if God had inspired that thing to be said or done. Were we a coincidence? Was what we were doing a coincidence? Or was that night just one big blessing?

I decided to look in a few places to see if anyone, with more authority on the subject, had anything to say on the topic. A simple Google search helped me to find what a modern day philosopher said. “Some may count experiences simply as a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. I repeat again, the Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.”

I took it a step further and searched for the word “coincidence” in the scriptures. Not one time in The Holy Bible does the word ever appear.

All this on top of personal experiences, I believe that there are no coincidences. That God does exist and love us. Sometimes He allows bad things to happen so that we can grow, become better people, and help others along the way. These trials may seem more than we can handle, “but God is faithful... [and will] make a way to escape, that [we] may be able to bear it” (1 Cor. 10:13). He provides us with blessings and tender mercies. These are his gifts to us so that this insanely chaotic life can be a bit easier; that we may bear our trials.

The Stupid Kid

The other day I was catching up on the blogs and I found an interesting statement.

"I am not one of those stupid kids who decide that since he is gay every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed. I am not the kid who attempts to get back at the church by breaking of the morals it preaches."

My first thought was, "Well hell, I'm not that kid either!" But before I could even finish that thought I realized, I was.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't decide that "every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed", but I was frustrated with the church.

Never did I assume that I could "get back at" the church.
Never did I want to hurt the church.
Never was I angry with God.


However, subconsciously I think I did feel this way:
The Church couldn't give me what I wanted, so I chose to not give them what they wanted of me.
How childish is that?
Super childish.

I realize that now. Heavy drinking and random sex are not going frustrate the church. In fact, doing those things just perpetuates the gay-stereotype.

About six weeks ago I got my eyes opened. I decided to change. I reassessed.

I don't ever want to drink again. Well, a part of me does, but the rational, in control part of me says no more.
I'm done with random hook ups too. I want commitment and real emotions involved; not a horny expression.
Yes, me and The Church disagree on some things, but the fact of the matter is that my beliefs still come from the gospel of Christ that I learned about in that church. Its not about me giving the church what they want or not. Its about doing what I feel is right and maintaining a relationship with God and my Savior.

Look Familiar?

"Your homework for next time is to make another list. I'm sure there's lots more you could add. I'll give you two days. Don't believe me? Just watch."

If I loose the few people that read my blog because of this repetitious post Alan, I'm coming after you. However, I'm scared of your threat so I'll go ahead and do it. You should make my homework more original though :)

Anonymous (who ever you may be) has helped me to get a good start:

• I'm more mature than most my age
• I have ability to see through people's inadequacies and love others, regardless
• I'm not just a pretty face

• I have an appreciation for music
• I have a decent voice
• I have years of musical education
• I'm a cuddler, like big teddy bear
• I'm not a bear
• I can be spontaneous and take big risks
• I try new things
• I can dance well enough to get positive attention.
• My quads are rock hard
  
• I have a testimony
• I have a sense of humor
• I can also be serious
• I'm extroverted
• I'm loved and liked by my nieces and nephews
• I'm a total romantic
• I can speak fluent Pig Latin

I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel at this point.

• I can attract girls ( I think that goes back to the fact that I understand them)
• I'm Britney Spears biggest/least crazy/non obsessive fan
• I'm pretty good with remembering names
• I have a good waist size and weight... which I will never allow to change.

Ok that is SERIOUSLY all I got.
Yesterday my mom came home from work to (out of no where) ask if I was depressed or suicidal. We talked for a while... It wasn't good or bad.
Last night was.. interesting. The Forbidden scene is getting tiring.
I haven't gotten out of this slump...

The Good in Me.

Okay Alan, here's my list.... I feel like you gave me a homework assignment as my therapist :)
Things I like about myself....

• I am lean
• I'm just the right height
• I understand how basic fashion works
• When I apply myself, I really am quite smart
• I enjoy learning
• I'm pretty well rounded culturally (entertainment, food, social circles)
• I make friends easily
• I'm fairly strong
• I try to sympathize/empathize with others
• I can go after what I want/ I'm not a push over
• I'm not a flamer or a super fem
• I'm an independent thinker
• I will humbly except advice from others when feel it is requisite to do so
• I'm a good kisser
• I understand women better than most women
• I will support my friends in public, even when they are wrong

That's all I got.
I'm not sure if today could have been worse.
Letter from a sister. Letter from director of JiM.
Never really considered suicide till today...

Teary Twink

I'm an emotional boy. That seems to be the theme of the day.

1- I'm emotionally attracted to men in an emotional way first. I dislike porn strongly and rarely will comment on random boys appearances. It's the emotional pull that really draws me into a boy. I still am shallow, but looks come second in my attraction to a man.

2- I get emotional over the thought of not being accepted. Specifically by my family. I went to a wedding tonight and tears came out of no where. I kept having the reoccurring thought of, "who will come to my wedding?" Which was IMMEDIATELY answered by "not your family..."
Even if it is 5 years off, they have already promised me that they would never support such an "abomination in the sight of God. [Their] son's wedding, or not."

3- I have felt totally inadequate lately. I'll never be good enough for a Mormon boy. I'm not hot enough. I'm that trick that guys are publicly ashamed of. I know this is all very whiny, but these are the thoughts that I can't escape, or vocalize, that lead me to sob in the shower.

I try to compose myself and put on a strong face. I mean who really wants a teary twink without confidence? I want to prove my family/friends/church wrong and find happiness even though I'm queer. I'm trying to be a positive guy (although this and the past couple posts may not express that) and hope that one day this will all change. At the same time, my realistic side kicks in and tells me that unless something else changes, I will be in this emotional, repetitive, rut forever. Where do I turn?

Miss Me...

I miss my sisters.
When my family found out that I was gay, and I was put into change therapy, my sisters felt as if it was their fault that I turned out this way. It hurt me to watch as their guilt began to consume them and push them away from me.
Things have never really been the same. We used to never go a day without talking to one another, but I think the last time I talked to my any of my sisters was last Sunday. Shopping trips, random lunches, movie nights, and their need for me to be present in their life has become nonexistent.
Some of this is too be expected. After all, we all grow up and go our different ways right? Then why am I the only one that has to find a different way?
I wonder if they miss me.

Girls: Their Guys and Their Gay

Captain Midnight, they prefer to be known as fruit flies :) They say that there is one girl out there to be the soul mate of a gay man; I have three. And they all are best friends. This can be hell.
Paige, Brittanylynn, and Katy, I love you.

So last night Paige was having a get together at her house (kind of an apology for ignoring all of her friends since she got engaged). I didn't plan on going since I had a date-ish thing going on later that night, but Blynn made me feel like a terrible friend so I dropped by for a bit.
When I got there I realized instantly that I was a 9th wheel. There were four couples and Jim.

Here is the real point of this post.

I got super jealous. I didn't want Paige or Blynn in a romantic way, but I did want them all to myself. So this jealousy put me in a depression. Then I realized how terrible of a person I was for being sad that they were happy, which caused me to be even more depressed, and this cycle just kept continuing until I wanted to curl up and cry.
Paige could tell something was wrong and so I told her how I was feeling. She gave me a big hug and said, "Babe, you'll always be my gay." Great.
Brittanylynn and I dated a while back. Although she is fully aware that I am soley attracted to guys, she's made it clear that she still has romantic feelings for me. So in my fit of depression, I had the urge to pull her in and kiss her. I knew that she would recipricate. I didn't want to KISS her. I wanted to... remind her that I exist? What is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?
This is the reason that I'm not getting married to a girl!!! Will I just get so lonely that I'd resort to marrying a girl, not because I am romanticly interested, but because I'm jealous? I wouldn't do that right?
.... Boy, mom would love it if I did though.

I don't want to be selfish and hurt a woman (and possibly even children). That's why I stoped going to therapy. Last night I was strong enough to fight off the stupid moment of rashness, so I'll be strong enough to wait for Mr. Right too.

I'm Like Julie Andrews

These are just a few of my favorite things... I feel like I need an upbeat post!

1. Hikes.
2. Disneyland.
3. New clothes.
4. Jamba Juice.
5. Trying new things :)
6. When a cute boy gives me "the nod".
7. A good book on a rainy day.
8. Christmas morning.
9. Thanksgiving afternoon.
10. Halloween night.
11. Whip cream and chocolate :)
12. Coloring books and coloring pencils.
13. General Conference.
14. Wearing a tux.
15. Ridding a horse at a full lope.
16. When my sisters spoil me.
17. Going to the theater for a play/symphony.
18. Star gazing.
19. The fact that I finally own my own car!
20. Expensive desserts.
    
21. Spending the day at the beach body boarding.
22. Getting to accessorize.
23. When a primary child understands the gospel better than the men who run the church.
24. An Arizona rain storm.
25. Being tall, without being a giant.
26. Mac products... and commercials... and stores.
27. Standing alone on a stage in an empty auditorium.
28. When my nieces and nephews get excited and tell me that they love me.
29. Holding someone.
30. Being held by a guy I like.
31. Having money in my bank accounts.
32. Sweating profusely when I finish a good run.
33. Sleeping naked... not being alone :)
34. The Office
35. That my nipple is pierced and less than 10 people know.
    
36. That Arizona doesn't have day light savings time.
37. Spending ridiculous amounts of time in my room watching episode after episode of Queer as Folk.
38. Walking with some one hand in hand.
39. Salsa and chips. Well really just Mexican food in general.
40. Believing Christ.
41. That I'm coming out (although too slowly for my taste). No more hiding!
42. I sound of a clear and steady, low range, tenor.
43. Most of the shows on Bravo!
44. That I'm blond and so shaving is really not that big of a hassle.
45. Pictures in black and white.
46. Hearing other people's stories.
47. Puedo hablar poco español.
48. GQ magazine
49. Showering :)
50. When I let myself be uninhibited.

Let ME Tell People About My Forbidden... Lust?

I'm so sick of other people taking it upon themselves to out me! Don't get me wrong, I don't usually enjoy having that awkward discussion with people one-on-one, especially people that are members of the church, but don't I at least have the right to?

My first boy and I were together for 6 months. Then we went another 5 months after we broke up trying to forget that we were gay. But at the end of May, he realized that you can't forget about your sexual orientation. He came out in a very public way. It's a scary and thing to come out alone, so that's probably why he felt the need to out me as well.
He's the reason that my parents know. That my friends I graduated with know. That my sisters know. That my old co-workers know. That some of my high school teachers know. That all my ex-girlfriends know. Even random people in Hurricane, Utah know!
I've harbored a lot of resentment toward him, and to be honest I probably still do have some, but now I feel like I have understanding for why he did it.

The thing that got me thru that time was change therapy. As long as people knew I was in change therapy, I wasn't a heathen. I could stop rumors dead in their tracks by telling people that I wouldn't always be gay. I even started to believe that myself. Change would happen if I worked and prayed hard.
It didn't turn out that way.
So now I get the opportunity to come out all over again, in a different way, on my terms.

Over the past several weeks I've eased my brother, father, and mother into the reality that I will never be happy with a woman, or alone. The idea that the love of my life will be a man.
I also have talked to two of my three sisters. Everyone has shocked me with their responses.

• My brother who I thought i was making progress with, has snapped on several occasions to "express his love for me" in a form that felt very similar to being judged.
  
• My sisters who have always directed my life, are actually being understanding and giving me the space I need to make my own decisions.
• My father, the bishop, I expected to have a really hard time. I was ready for him to put up a fight every step of the way. He has simply told me, that he will never turn his back on me; that my happiness in this life is crucial. He has expressed some concerns and fears that he has, but over all he has turned out to be a huge support. Thanks Dad.
• My mother I really thought would be my crutch during this whole coming out experience. Instead she has become a huge road block. I love my mother so much, but she is pushing me so far away. With each conversation I feel more pain and hurt. I feel second-rate. I feel unwelcome. She can't accept my decision. When will it not be up for debate anymore?

After a rather aggressive conversation yesterday with my mother, my sister, the one I haven't completely come out to came over. Mom was composed, so I thought that it would be a good time for me to go to my room and get ready for going out. I've been hesitant to tell this sister because she is by far the closest to me and the most outspoken. Her love for me has always been displayed by giving advice and telling me how life is.
I went down stairs and saw this sister crying and walking out the front door. I knew what had happened. I couldn't even be the person to tell my whole damn family.

The night just got progressively worse as I came out to my best guy friend (who lives about 20 miles away from the gossip-ville that I live in) and he took it pretty rough. He had no questions. No emotions. No input. All he ased was that I give him a coupple of weeks to process all of this.

So where does a down trodden gay go to relax? Dinner and dancing, duh. :)
I feed into the stereotypes and headed to beautiful downtown Scottsdale. RA was the first stop, to get some really good sushi (that is too expensive), then headed over to Club Forbidden. I know that I won't ever find the man of my dreams in the club, but its always fun to scope out the cuties, the interesting, and the socially retarded :) I danced all night, but hopefully next time I'll allow myself to dance with more than the same three guys... I know that it is totally a lust filled enviroment, but I figure dancing is probabbly a healthier way to express lust than porn or even having random/rampant sexual encounters.
Here's to a better weekend! Cheers (as my favorite forbidden bartender, Brian, says. Pictured below :)!