Paper Cuts

My heart is racing. I hate all of this shit.
(I don’t expect anyone to read this long, vague at times, bitchy rant)

My sister: About 2 1/2 weeks ago I came home from my trip to find a letter in my room from my sister. I love her. She is about 12 years older than me. I have never been in a fight with her and have always admired her ability to keep calm in stressful situations. She's an analytical person and about the only one in my family that ISN'T outspoken. Which is why the letter came as such a shock.
I know that the letter was written out of love and came straight from her heart, but that is probably what makes it more painful. She told me she thinks there is a girl preparing herself for me and that I needed to move past the gay "struggles and trials" to prepare for this potential-wife. She also suggested that I spend the next two years on a "personal mission,” living within the Church's guidelines, to find out how I really feel about the Church and my sexuality. What does she think I was doing from the age 13 till I was 17?
I used the next week to pray about what to write back. I feel like I was able to convey how I feel and what I believe accurately and respectfully. I gave her my letter last Sunday. I still am waiting to see if she will reply at all.
She mentioned that the family could not support, understand, or be happy for the plans I have for my life. I'm disappointed that they can't support me or understand. More than that, I am hurt that they can’t be happy for me deciding to do what will make me truly happy. I have loved, supported, accepted, and been happy for them, their marriages and their families. I would like the same in return, but I don’t need it.
This has been a monumental shift in my thought process.

My best friend: Scott and I met my seventh grade year. We had to write biographies about one another in our English class. We hated each other. But by the time that the eighth grade rolled around we became inseparable. We both became racquetball posers and the biggest band geeks known to man. He became another child to my parents, brother to my siblings and attended numerous family functions. We have gone on road trips and spent weeks living at each others houses.
I mentioned here that I told Scott only recently that I'm a fag. He asked for 2 weeks to think things through. I was still on vacation when that two weeks ended. He texted me and told me that we needed to talk in person, so when I go home we set up a time when we could chill. He said that to make our friendship last I would need to never discuss the gay aspects of my life with him again. He went on to tell me that he was positive that being gay was a mindset I had created and chosen to be. I was near tears.
I looked at him and told him that I loved him as much as my own brother, but he couldn't say that being gay is a choice because he wasn't gay himself. He got really frustrated and told me what "God" thought of me and my decisions and then dropped me off with a, "I'm sorry it had to end like this."
He liked me better before he knew the real me.

JiM: I can’t really get into all of this, but in essence I can’t talk to my “Journey into Manhood brothers” anymore. I’m partially to blame for this rejection, but it didn’t justify the humiliation and embarrassment that director of JiM has put me through. I know I’m being vague. Sorry.

The ex: I got a 9 page letter from an ex-boyfriend of mine last week. The first two-thirds of the letter were an explanation of the negative feelings that he experienced during our relationship, when I broke up with him, and since then. He pointed out several areas that he feels that I have changed and “become a completely different person.”
The last third of the letter was spent telling about how he screwed me over and somehow he STILL managed to make me feel like it was my fault. I never want to see him again. My friends think this is the smart thing to do. Even with that kinda distance will he still be able to make me feel like shit?

My parents: Okay this is going to sound totally morbid and weird.
My parents got us all together tonight after family dinner tonight to discuss their Living Wills, Power of Attorneys, Family Trust, ect. They are perfectly healthy, but realize that they are getting older. They just wanted us all to know our roles.
First they discussed the Living Wills. My brother and oldest sister got put in charge of that. Cool. I’m not the decision maker on pulling the plug. I’m fine with that.
Then they discuss the Will. My other two sisters will be the financial distributers. Awesome, I’m not going to have responsibility over passing out the money and selling the house.
I’m the only child not in charge of anything. I can over look that. Who wants those duties anyway?
Then they discuss the Family Trust. I am the only child that cannot access any of the family money. That is till I am 30. If my parents were to die tonight, I would have no where to live. No money. No juvenile-provisions established. I immediately got anxious and privately went to talk to my parents about this. They got frustrated out of no where and told me that I was an adult now, going off to school out of state.
Yeah I’ll be out of state soon. We’ll see if I can afford to fly down for your funerals if I need to.