Captain Midnight, they prefer to be known as fruit flies :) They say that there is one girl out there to be the soul mate of a gay man; I have three. And they all are best friends. This can be hell.
Paige, Brittanylynn, and Katy, I love you.
So last night Paige was having a get together at her house (kind of an apology for ignoring all of her friends since she got engaged). I didn't plan on going since I had a date-ish thing going on later that night, but Blynn made me feel like a terrible friend so I dropped by for a bit.
When I got there I realized instantly that I was a 9th wheel. There were four couples and Jim.
Here is the real point of this post.
I got super jealous. I didn't want Paige or Blynn in a romantic way, but I did want them all to myself. So this jealousy put me in a depression. Then I realized how terrible of a person I was for being sad that they were happy, which caused me to be even more depressed, and this cycle just kept continuing until I wanted to curl up and cry.
Paige could tell something was wrong and so I told her how I was feeling. She gave me a big hug and said, "Babe, you'll always be my gay." Great.
Brittanylynn and I dated a while back. Although she is fully aware that I am soley attracted to guys, she's made it clear that she still has romantic feelings for me. So in my fit of depression, I had the urge to pull her in and kiss her. I knew that she would recipricate. I didn't want to KISS her. I wanted to... remind her that I exist? What is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?
This is the reason that I'm not getting married to a girl!!! Will I just get so lonely that I'd resort to marrying a girl, not because I am romanticly interested, but because I'm jealous? I wouldn't do that right?
.... Boy, mom would love it if I did though.
I don't want to be selfish and hurt a woman (and possibly even children). That's why I stoped going to therapy. Last night I was strong enough to fight off the stupid moment of rashness, so I'll be strong enough to wait for Mr. Right too.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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I am envious of all my friends who have relationships... I'm a virgin, never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. At least you aren't overweight--you'll have a much easier time getting dates. The gay world is 10 times more image conscious than the straight world.
ReplyDeleteYou'll find Mr. Right eventually, but it really sucks having to wait.
Fag hag, fruit fly, same thing :) Haha
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that i am a bad friend...getting engaged made me retarded in a way. I have such a deep love for you in more than just simple ways. You became my life....you were my husband, my best friend, MY friend. I never want you to feel as a 9th wheel does, and you are exaggerating hun. And i will always love you in a way that no one else does, because i always have. And always will. You made me who I am right now. And i can't ask for a better friend in my life, you have changed me FOR GOOD. You are the person that i can call about any and everything, and know that you will laugh about the stupid things i do, and make me feel better. even when we argue. i love you wak.....
ReplyDelete-favorite fag hag
Not only is it not wrong to be jealous of your best friend getting engaged or dating, it is what is supposed to happen. This is the time in everyone elses life that everyone goes there separate ways, so you automatically think it's going to happen to you.
ReplyDeleteI am terrified when my best friend dates and ever talks about getting married, which is so rare. BUT, I have told her I'm going to sabotage every relationship she gets in. I'm being completely serious, too. Also, me and her plan on getting married if we both aren't married by 25. I can't wait. I would be marrying my best friend! Beautiful.
It's such a hard transition any time your friends move into serious relationships! I think you are very entitled to what you are feeling, and I am SO glad you made the choice not to let your fears/jealousy get the best of you. It shows a lot of compassion for that young lady, and a lot of discipline on your part-- discipline that frankly a lot of men don't show, and it does indeed hurt the women that they use in this way. Its also VERY confusing being a gay person who is letting go of the "master plan" that he has to marry a woman in order to be a good person with a full life. I am super proud of you for making choices that will allow everyone to live their lives to the fullest!
ReplyDeleteI also remember those depression spirals.. I'm not just saying this, but I really don't have those anymore at all. Honest.