I'm Back... If I Can Keep It Up... That's What He Said...

If anyone is keeping track of my blog anymore, yes, yes, I am alive.

I have started 8 posts since my last one, that never left the chopping block. They probably will all remain in my "edit post" box for another month till I get sick of seeing them and delete them.

So why such a long hiatus? I don't really have a good reason.
I could blame it on school, but honestly this year, school has been amazing. I'm on campus two nights a week for a total of 12 hrs. I'm getting the high scores on assignments and tests, which is truly a testament to what a student is capable of when he takes classes that interest him. I don't feel like I'm putting in very much effort, but I'm surprised at how much information I'm retaining.

I could blame it on work, because I have been getting more hours. However, that usually I think of topics for my blog while I'm on the clock.

I could blame it on a lack of drama.... we all know that for a gay mormon boy it never ends.

So really I don't have a good excuse :/

Here's a quick up date:

• I'm no longer a teenager. I'm an old man now.
• My parents went on a double date with Todd and I for my birthday. Todd had set up a surprise dinner and invited my parents to come. It was the best gift they could have given me. I was pretty close to crying.
  
• My dad has been doing great. My father reminds me that he is worried and concerned about the "big picture" but he is glad to see me happy.
• Mom has been struggling with some things. She wants to let Todd and I know that she loves us, but she doesn't want us to get any inclination that she accepts or condones our lifestyle. (I.e. She wants to hug Todd. She loves him, and knows that he's been going through some hard times with his family. However, she chooses not to hug him because we might perceive it as acceptance.)
  
• My parents biggest issue is NOT that I'm gay and have a serious boy friend. It's that we are having sex out of wedlock. Huh... I wish I had the option of wedlock here.
• I'll be heading up to Utah in a couple of weeks!
  
• I was part of a panel talking about homosexuality at my school. It was one of the coolest things EVER. There were SO many people participating, with various knowledge of homosexuals (They ranging from: People who were sure they'd never even met a gay in there life, all the way to to a kid who's parents are gay). Enlightening people is awesome.
• I love the length of my hair at this exact moment.
• I got a visit from my best friend a couple of months ago. It was awesome to see him.....I miss talking with him.
• I am loving the direction my life is headed!
  

Anyway I think that's it for now. I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging. We'll see how this attempt goes :)

God Hates Me?

I've been thinking a lot lately about God.

I wish I didn't believe in him.

I do, however believe in him.

Does this make me naive?

Are the only people that believe in God, the ones that need him?

It doesn't really matter I guess. In the world of religion, the ONLY thing that I know, is that there is a God. He likes me a lot too.

So here is what I have really been thinking about:
The "God" that I learned about when I was in primary is a very different "God" than the one I have heard about the past few years.

I hear the song, "A Child's Prayer" and I feel SO close to God. I sit in a priesthood meeting and that burning spirit is not there nearly as much. Even dedicated Saints will tell you the same.
So using the presents of the spirit as a measuring tool, what is this telling us?

How many terrible things in this world have been done in the name of God?
The crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, ect...
Those are just the biggies...
How many civil rights have been denied to people because this God (who is supposed to be impartial) said one group of people was better than another?

Why do people think they have the right to talk in behalf of God?

The God I know loves all of his children and wants to hear from them. He is much more concerned with people loving one another than joining a certain church.
Don't tell me how God feels about a topic.
I talk to him and listen.
Are you?

AIDS Walk!!!

I remember watching the news when I had just turned 7. I saw people laying out large extravagant quilts in Washington D.C. There were big, red ribbons stretched out all over the place. I was captivated. I didn't know what was going on, but there were THOUSANDS of people and the news was spending an extraordinary amount of time on it. Like a whole half hour segment. I kept trying to understand, but I just couldn't figure out what these people were trying to accomplish....
Then I heard the word, "death."

I used to have this irrational fear of death. I was fascinated, terrified, obsessed, and totally determined to avoid it.

I realized that these people were getting together to honor people that had died and to try to keep more people from dying.
My dad walked in and I asked him what this was about. He looked at the T.V. and almost instantaneously went to look for the remote. He changed the channel and told me to watch my cartoons. This made me even more curious. He left and I changed it back. He came back and changed the channel. I asked again what this quilt-thing was about, and added that it wasn't inappropriate so I could watch it if I wanted to.
He got very serious, and said, "Those people are talking about a virus called AIDS. It's mainly gay men who get it, and they only want a cure for it so they can sleep together without God's repercussions for sinning."

Never did he mention that "God's repercussion" was a painful and embarrassing death.

Now I have to defend my father. That was a LONG time ago and he is not so ignorant on this topic. He would never say such a hurtful and false statement today.
However that ONE statement has hung with me since then, because I remember the feeling of knowing that my dad was lying to me... The Heavenly Father I knew and had been taught about would never say something like that.

This weekend is Arizona's AIDS Walk. I wasn't sure if I was going to sign up for it or not, but then a girl in one of my classes told me that she was putting together a Team in honor of her brother who recently died. She talked me into it and I can't tell you how excited I am to be a part of this!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE join this GREAT cause and walk with us! If any of you in Arizona, are reading this and haven't signed up yet.... SIGN UP and join the Johnathan's Hope Team. :)

If you don't live in AZ, I still encourage you to sign up and walk! Find a team, and help someone in need! Karma, good energy, blessings or what ever you believe in will come back to you for signing up!

Girls Love A Gay In A Uniform

I'm still working for my brother. Every Tuesday I have to leave work early so that I can make it to school on time.

So yesterday we got to a job about 30 minutes before I had to leave, so I ran inside to get as much work done as I could with the time I had. I was greeted by a girl who was about my age. She was very pretty. Tall and slender, with eyes that are just slightly further apart than the average person....
I spent the whole time I was working debating whether or not she would be good as a runway model.
I left and went to school. She would have never crossed my mind again if it weren't for the story my brother relayed to me this morning...

He told me that yesterday afternoon, when he was invoicing the owner of the house, he asked my brother where "the guy [his] daughter was swooning over" was. He explained that I had classes to get to so I had to leave early. The father went on to tell my brother about how his daughter is a good LDS girl who she keeps dating scum bags and how I seemed like a really decent guy.
My brother just smiled at him and said, "Well, she'll have a really hard time winning him over."
The father got a bit offended, thinking that my brother was calling his daughter inadequate. He wanted to know what was wrong with his daughter.
"Well," my brother searching for the right words says, "I don't usually get to involved in my employee's lives (lie), but he happens to be my little brother and I happen to know that he doesn't find girls NEARLY as interesting as men."
I guess the father's jaw just dropped and said, "Oh." Then after a few seconds he broke into a HUGE smile and said, "Oh MAN! I cannot WAIT to tell her! (cue hysterical laughter) This is going to kill her. "

Point of this story...

HE CLAIMED ME AS HIS GAY BROTHER!!!!
:)

It Might Be Time To Tell Grandma

Remember when I wrote about my brother-in-law getting baptized? Well this last Saturday he got to baptize his son, my oldest nephew... But that's not really what this post is about.
This post has to do with me finally coming out ALL the way!

I'm out. I'm not super loud about it, but I am definitely proud to be gay. I don't care who knows, and I don't care if you have a problem with it.... Just please don't tell my Grandmother.

My dad's mother is my last living grandparent. With about 50 first cousins on that side of my family, me and my Grandma never really got a chance to be very close. However, over the past few years some of her grandchildren that she is especially close to have fallen off of the Mormon-Bandwagon; leaving room for Austin-the-good-boy to fill their roles. I've always admired my Grandma, but these last few years have given me an immense sense of appreciation.
That woman is simply amazing.

SO at my nephew's baptism Grandma sat with me. We had an interesting conversation.
Grandma: So, have you talked to Cousin #1 in a while?
Austin: No, how is she???
G: I don't know. I think she's ok. She spends all her time with this new boy of her's. Do you know who he is?
A: Nope, I guess it's been a REALLY long time since I've seen her. Do you like him, Grandma?
G: Oh I don't know. It doesn't really matter. You know, no one asks me any more. These kids just do what ever they want... they make their decisions without asking me..

I let this conversation settle, and a few other kids get dunked (Did you know they now have multiple kids getting baptized in the same meeting/session?!?! Stake baptism day! Each kid doesn't get their own anymore. WTF?). Then Grandma turned to me to start a new version, of the same conversation.
G: So did you know Cousin #2 is graduating this year?
A: No way! Wow! What's he up to?
G: He's always hanging around that girlfriend. Have you met her? Do you like her?
A: Yeah, I've met her... She's... Interesting...
G: Yeah, that's my thought too. But it doesn't really matter. None of them ask me any more. Everyone just does what they want without asking me. My opinion doesn't mean anything.

My stomach sunk.
I was getting the worlds best guilt trip.
The fact of the matter is that I would be openly gay, even if my Grandma didn't approve, but I would love to sit down and talk to her about it. I would love for her to be a support for me. So many other people in my extended family have done shitty things, and she has supported them no matter what. My worst fear is that I'll be the straw that breaks her back. There is only so much that little woman can take.
I have a feeling that she would be my number one advocate though. I can imagine her sitting in the front row at my wedding. I can see her voting for gay marriage, because her grandson (that's me) should have all the rights her other grand kids have. I know that she would totally love Todd.
In fact she has met Todd. I don't think they really got a lot of time to chit chat, but she does know about my "little friend".

I don't know... maybe it is time to tell Grandma.

P.S. I think my graduation was the only time in my life that people ever took pictures and gave them to me. Sorry for the out dated and cliche photo.

Jacking Off

So I'll just apologize right now for not keeping up my blog. I know that many of you readers have taken offense to my absence. I don't know how you have managed to live and function in daily life without regular updates from me. I'll try to do better.

I have a lot of topics to cover this month and because I've been slacking that means there will be a lot of new posts coming soon.

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I'll go ahead and get my Homework post out of the way first. Abelard asked all of us to do a post about masturbation on our blogs sometime this month.
I'll preface this by saying, "I'm sorry," to anyone that my bluntness offends. These are my thoughts and beliefs, and I would never claim them as doctrine or best for everyone.

---

I think The Church is so full of crap on the topic of masturbation. I did say I would be blunt.

Pres. Kimball said in The Miracle of Forgiveness that masturbation leads to mutual masturbation, mutual masturbation will lead to homosexuality, homosexuality will lead to bestiality.

Well from my personal experience, I can tell you that this is TOTALLY false. I was a homosexual before ever masturbating. I have NEVER even thought of doing the dirty with ANY kind of animal.

Elder Packer has a pamphlet called, For Young Men Only. It is mostly about masturbation, but one of his more off-the-wall-statements has to do with homosexuality. "No one is locked into that kind of life [homosexuality]. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men --masculine, manly men --ultimately to become husbands and fathers."
Elder Packer says that "many will be amused by this counsel." I am NOT amused at all. I am seriously concerned for the shame and pain that this counsel will cause many young men who have been raised in the LDS Church to feel.
I think this is a BALLSY thing to say. What a hurtful and UNTRUE thing to say. Why is he insinuating that gay men can't become "masculine, manly men" and "husbands and fathers"? And I'm not debating that I was predestined to be a man! I AM a man physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So is Todd. That is kinda the POINT of being gay. As a heterosexual, how does he even feel responsible or entitled to even speak on this topic?
MORE THAN THAT, in the 33 years since this talk was given, the church has begun to sing a new tune. "In some circumstances a person defers marriage because he or she is not presently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. While many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality, others may not be free of this challenge in this life."
Okay, so they still refuse to call it anything but "a challenge" BUT they do admit that even turning to Christ and exerting all my effort isn't a 100% shot at becoming straight. What happened to not being "locked into that kind of life"?
OH and will SOMEONE PLEASE fix their statistics??? "many Latter-day Saints" will become straight and only some "others" may not? FAR more are leaving The Church because of this issue than subjecting themselves to the lies and solitude that the Church would suggest for them.

So my point is that it is hard for me to respect the opinions and "guidance" of a man that is so ignorant and outspoken that even The Church has had to emend his words.

---

My personal thought as a future father is that I would rather my children understand the risks of sex, the dangers of addiction and problems that could ensue from masturbation.
I have to break this up as a psychologist. If my child's masturbation habits caused dysfunction or distress in living a regularly routinized life, then would be the time for discussion (i.e. if my kid is missing the bus every morning because he has to get off, then we are going to need to have a serious talk). But the fact of the matter is that masturbation RARELY becomes a serious impairment in a persons life.
I'm not going to say, "Hey kids, you should go masturbate!" However, they will know that I would much rather them masturbate than have sex.
I don't want them to feel ashamed, bad, or dirty about masturbating. If someone is doing something in privacy that does not effect you, hurt anyone, and is not self destructive... THEN WHY DO YOU CARE???

Sacrament Studies

I have gone to church for the last six weeks in a row... well, only sacrament meeting. That still counts for something right?

This resurrected habit of mine has shocked some people and I've been bombarded by people asking, "Why do you still want to go to church?"

I know right? It seems odd. I am not exactly the epitome of Peter Priesthood, and yet I still like going to church in an LDS chapel.

So why is this?

• I do it for me.
• I do it for Father in Heaven.
• I've come to need that one hour in the week, dedicated to God, to recenter my life.
• It's a good time to step out of the world and really listen for answers to my prayers.
• It reminds me that I'm doing the right thing: the Spirit that I feel in that building, is the same Spirit I feel when I rest my head on Todd's chest.

The other question I get a lot is, "But why in the LDS Church? There are lots of Christian churches out there."
That's true.
There are three main reasons I still choose the LDS chapels over others though.
1) I still believe that the Mormons have the fullness of Christ's Gospel. Whether they preach or practice it is a topic for another post.
2) The only time that I have actually heard the voice of God speak to me was in an LDS chapel.
3) It's familiar. This is the Church that I was raised with. I know this is a weak reason, but I am the way I am today because of the Church for one reason or another. Honestly, I like the way I turned out.

For all you worried priesthood leaders reading, you can rest your mind to know that I don't take the sacrament. It's not a matter of me feeling worthy or not. I am worthy in the sight of God, but I'm not living the way the Church deems "worthy" to take the sacrament. So out of respect to the organization I don't partake of the bread and water.

Maybe I'm crazy, and really I'm doing more harm than good by attending a church that vows to never except my love as legitimate or real.
This may be a long term study...

Weekend Report

Real quick! I've gotten a few more questions since my last two posts. I'm not going to continue posting answers, but if any of you have questions that you want answered feel free to send an email! wak767@me.com
Thanks for your continued support and love.

So this week has be crazy! I kept trying to get registered for school because time was running out, but the system kept shutting me out. Days later, after LOTS of phone calls and a visit to the school I am officially registered! I'm excited for school because this is the first semester that my classes are specific to my major's focus. I get to take classes that I'm interested in and will help me down the road... I'm still trying to figure out how calculus will help me be a better psychologist.

Then I had car issues. The check-engine-light light came on about 2 months ago, but the car was working fine, so I did the irresponsible thing and ignored it. The problem now is that I need to re-register my car, and to do that I need to have it pass Emissions Testing, and to do that the check-engine-light has to be off. So I took my car to the mechanic, hoping that the repair would be cheap and quick. Are they ever cheap or quick?
It turns out my transmission (which every one that day called "your tranny". tee hee...) is busted.
Do you know how expensive that is? It would be more lucrative to just sell it for parts and buy a new car.
But wait! That's not all. Yesterday morning at work, a customer backed his truck up into my car destroying a door and denting a quarter panel. Actually, it turned out to be a pretty funny story, and no one was hurt. He has insurance, so it was the best-possible bad-situation.

On another note: I've said it again and again, but I know that my family (and others) are reading this blog and I wish they wouldn't. However, some good came of it this week. I mentioned last week that my brother and I haven't hung out since I came out. Well, that's changed! Yesterday he took me out to lunch on his dime. We had a real and genuine conversation. He wanted to know what was going on in my life and learn more about Todd. It was great to remember how close we used to be. He thought so too, apparently, because I got an email last night from him saying, "It was fun talking to you today." It was just a simple message, but had a profound effect on me.

Sorry this came out like a journal entry... I just had to get it all out.
Expect a good post soon.

The Answers - Part 2

Continued...

Q: I was wondering if you've ever had a patriarchal blessing? If so, what were your feelings about it? Did you know you were gay when you received it? Did it have a significant impact on your feelings toward the Church?
A: I do have a patriarchal blessing. I got it the February after my first boy and I broke up. My dad was my bishop and so, out of fear, I decided to repent on my own. I developed a really good relationship with my Heavenly Father during that time, but I still was so confused about so many things. I felt like if I ever needed guidance, it was then. Did I lie to get my recommend? Yes. Did I feel worthy? Not really. I felt like God had answers for me, and so with his approval burning in my chest, I set up the appointment.
I got many answers to many of the questions that I had. There was nothing in there to address the issue of my sexuality. I dissected it to see if there was any little clause that had a hidden meeting. Nothing. Due to the sacredness of that document, I won't get too detailed.
The Church says that I should stay celibate and if that was God's will, then why wasn't that put in my blessing?
The lesson I learned from getting that blessing is that God is in charge, but the people who interpret his will are only men. Men frequently misinterpret and can only reveal what they are prepared to reveal. Their life experiences, and personal beliefs inhibit them all the the time.
I hope that made sense.

Q: What aspect of being gay do you find the most challenging and how do you deal with it?
A: **EXPLICIT** When you say the word 'gay' there is an image that comes to mind. For me, it's a black and white scene of two men holding hands and walking on the beach. Unfortunately this is not the same vision that most people in this world see. More than likely they imagine a flamer in a mesh top, leather pants, and singing Cher songs at the top of his lungs while getting fucked in the ass.
So what is the biggest challenge for me? When I tell people that I'm gay, I feel like I have to convince them that their image isn't accurate. I'm still the person I've always been.

Q: I was curious as to how your family has responded to 1) your being gay and 2) your relationship (not their opinion about Todd specifically, but rather the fact that you're in a serious gay relationship).
1) Wow! That's a loaded question. My blog tracks a lot of their reactions to my homosexuality. They would like to think that they haven't treated me any different than before I came out. Unfortunately, they have.
My sisters are so worried that they might do anything to "further my gayness" (i.e. they don't encourage anything that might be perceived as effeminate).
When I was in change therapy my brother was my best friend. We did everything together. His home was my second home. Do you know how long its been since he invited me to do anything with him outside of work? Give you a hint: it corresponds with the time I came out.
My mother still struggles... but I know that she loves me still... she's really trying to work this all out.
My hero has been my father. He wants me to be happy. He may not agree with my choice to come out, but he loves me forever. If anything, our relationship has become even more solid than before.
2) It's been difficult to show them that IT IS a SERIOUS relationship. Todd comes to family dinner with me every week and I think they've started to realize that he's not going away. A few weeks ago he told me that he doesn't feel like a visitor anymore, but rather another member of the clan. They have treated him kindly from the first time they met him. I am still worried about how they will respond when my relationship becomes more serious.

Q: What's the biggest challenge to keeping your relationship fresh with Todd and how do you manage it?
A: Well, Todd and I have been together for less than a year, so luckily there hasn't been too much need to freshen up our relationship. As true, cheesy romantics we know how to woo each other. Taking the initiative to make special plans (simple or extravagant) for the other person, has proven to be a good way to show how we feel about the other.
I'm sure the day will come that we will be in need of freshening up, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to offer them.

Q: How did you and Todd meet?
A: Long story... So I'll summarize it.
Todd and I are the only people in AZ that Mark knows, so he set us up. We became Facebook Friends and got to talking a lot. Finally I got him to ask me on a date, but it was going to be two weeks before we had time to get together. So we continued to talk for another week.
The Sunday before our scheduled date I got brave and told him that I'd rather not wait another 6 days to see him. He told me he felt the same.
So I made the hour long drive to his place, and brought him my special homemade cheesecake. We watched Arrested Development. He swears it was only the cheesecake that won him over. I like to think I had SOMETHING to do with it though.
By the time our scheduled first date rolled around, we had been on six other dates.
The rest is history.

Q: I want to know about you and Todd. I want to know how you make your relationship work and what makes it hard and what makes it great.
A: Hahaha, how does any relationship work? I think the first thing that we had to do was realize that "Love" is work. "Bliss" is a feeling and an emotion. However, the real love is seen when we are willing to put the other person's needs at the top of our priority list. The second thing is to keep communicating and discussing our feelings, thoughts, and concerns.
What makes it hard? .... Politics. :) We don't have all the same beliefs or ideals...
But what makes it great? ... The fact that we can work through those things. We can stay open-minded and respect our differences. We focus on the big things and can move past and grow from the little things.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It means a lot to know that ANYONE is reading this blog. I had fun answering them all!

The Answers - Part 1

Thank you all for your tremendous help!

I really enjoyed your questions because they gave me some time for introspection. Unfortunately, I'm late in posting your answers, and still I couldn't manage to fit them all into this one post.
This is Part 1.
Part 2 will be posted in a couple of days.
I also need to preface that some of you may find that my honesty may be a bit too explicit for your tastes. I've tried to mark those answers the best I could. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.
I hope you enjoy!


Q: What are your plans for the future? Are you in school? What is your dream job?
A: My general plans for the future haven't really changed much considering my "sexual-orientation-crisis". I still want a good job, get married, start a family of my own, and return to live with my Father in Heaven. My motto has become "Progression"; be a better person today than I was yesterday.
School... dang I need to still register... I keep forgetting. I will have my associates at the end of this fall semester. The plan to finish my undergraduate is still in the air for now, but I'll figure that out soon. I would like to get my graduate degree from University of Washington in clinical psychology. Which leads to my dream job of being a psychologist with a focus in sexual abuse victims.
Now check back in in 5 years and lets see how close I came to these goals.

Q: Which is better looking your left eye brow or your right?
A: My right eye brow! For sure. Some may say that I'm bias because I'm right-handed, but I swear that it just photographs better than my left. Plus, when its time to wax, my right brow hurts less. It's like it wants to be good looking, so it loosens it follicles, and just gives away the wild and straggly hairs.

Q: I want to know if you taking steps to keep your prostate healthy. Too many old men are dying of prostate cancer and we know from long term studies that there's something young men can do to reduce their risk in later life. You do know what this is, don't you?
A: **EXPLICIT** Yes, I do know what this is. I assure you that I am taking these cautionary steps; as tedious as they may be. I am putting a LOT of hard work into it, very frequently. Todd checks often for me.
Health first you know ;)

Q:When did you know - I mean really know - that you are gay? Was there some experience or epiphany that cemented this fact into your mind? Oh, and what is your favorite clothing item? :)
A: **EXPLICIT** This is one of those questions that in order to be completely honest with you, my readers, I have to get a bit graphic. There are several instances in my life that I remember "seeing" my gayness emerge. I've been called gay since before I even knew what that meant. The moment that I truly remember first thinking "Oh, my gosh, I'm gay..." was also the first time I masturbated. I was 13, looking at pictures of naked girls, not for the first time, with friends because they wanted to... and I wanted friends. They refused to watch porn with men in it, so that no one could accuse them of being gay. After a while, they all left my house. It was me and the computer, all alone. I didn't like looking at girls, at all. I wasn't excited when I saw their bodies. All I wanted to do was write "WHORE" across those girls' foreheads.
I quickly justified that it would be okay to look at naked men, because I had a penis too. I was shocked at how my body reacted to these pictures. I had an erection so hard that the pressure began to make it ache. I started rubbing it to ease the aching, without removing my eyes from the computer screen.
I came.
In that moment, I saw a deep piece of me. Just as quickly, I rationalized it away.

NOW, let me clarify. Was it the porn and masturbation that made me gay? ABSOLUTELY NOT. This cannot account for the gay traits, attributes and feelings that I was aware of years before this story took place.

As for my favorite clothing item, I'd have to say jeans. I love a good pair of expensive denim jeans.

Q: What's your favorite: Movie, Musical, TV Show, Food? Favorite place for a holiday? Where in the world would you like to visit more then anywhere else? If you won the lottery what would you do with it? Oh! and since you suggested it... Whats your favorite colour?

Movie: It changes all the time! I just finished Doubt and, WOW, I loved it

Musical: There are so many good ones that I haven't seen yet, but as of right now I'd have to go with Aida. I will always regret not seeing the original production because I fell in love with the music the week after I had the opportunity.
T.V. Show: Better Off Ted is the current winner, but I'll need a filler show now that it's season has ended.
Food: Mexican food is heaven sent. I think it is one of the things Christ taught the people in the Americas when he visited.
Getaway: Northern Arizona is only a few hours away, but provides a nice escape from the city and the hot weather.
Dream Destination: I would love to be able to slip away to Southern Europe for a few weeks. Some day...
Lottery Loot: I'd build my dream home, and invest the rest; set up a Living Trust and an Education Fund/Foundation. I'm boring, I know.
Color: Blues! However, red and black are my favorite color combination.

To be continued...

Your Help Is Needed!

I just got back from the theater. (Yes, apparently it's much easier to drag Todd to a 10:40pm movie than a midnight showing. The 1 hour and 20 minute makes a big difference in his attitude.... Only kidding babe :) We decided to go see Julie & Julia. It didn't get great reviews or anything, and we were pretty sure that it would be a flop. However, being the true gays that we are, we love Meryl Streep and had to go support her. It was a cute story with no real plot and void of a climax, but entertaining none the less. It is also is the only movie to date that is based on a blog.

This got me thinking, does my blog serve any purpose? What do I hope to accomplish by it? When will I know that it has served its purpose and it is time to retire it? Hell, I only know a faction of the people that read it. For every person who comments, there are about 30 others who don't. I'm fine with this, I just hope that sharing my stories help all of my readers somehow.

So here is what I need from you....
I want your suggestions and/or questions.
I want to know what my readers what to read.

So feel free to ask me anything. No limits. It doesn't need to be serious of Earth shattering. Ask those dumb "get to know you" questions (i.e. who my best friend is, or my favorite color) if you can't think of anything.

If you are brave enough to ask, I will answer. Oh but one little rule, I won't be replying to any Anonymous questions so at least make up a name.

Alright, here it goes!
Leave your comments here and on August 12th I will post my answers.

ABC: Art, Besties, & Cash

First of all, thanks to Jay for his picture, which is now featured as my August Header Man.

Second of all, Stephen, the Gay Mormon, won Paris Hilton's My New BFF!!!
Todd and Stephan were in seminary together back at Upland High, so we were rooting for him from the beginning. Then last week he got kicked off. I was freaking out. Tonight was the finale and in a surprise twist Paris called Stephen out of the line of eliminated contestants and asked him to please take her back. He did, of course.

Lastly, its funny how finances all come up at the same time. My car breaks down and its time to get new insurance for it. The car has to get tested for emissions, so I can pay to re-register the damn thing. My windshield cracks and then there is school on top of it all.
Just pray for me to get through the next few months.

Too Busy To Blog?

I've been really bad at blogging lately. I'd feel bad, except it seems I'm not the only one slacking :)
The fun of this summer has made it challenging for us bloggers to keep up to date.
So here are the things that have kept me busy this past week...

Salt River: Yes, it is disgustingly dirty and attracts all sorts of classy bitches. However, you cannot leave that place without a good story, tons of memories, and usually a pretty good tan. It was my good friend Tye's birthday and as per his request, we headed to the river early Friday morning. We rode the whole stretch under constant cloud cover. No tan, but some trees scratched me up nicely.

Restaurant Of Fire: Ok, so I'm totally a "The Office" fanatic (well not lately since the season ended abruptly and and the comedy has been lacking. But that is not the point of this post). There was this one episode where some of the characters go to Benihana. Since this episode I have been dying to see that Onion Volcano Magic in real life. IT FINALLY happened! Tye's birthday dinner was at a fancy Japanese restaurant. And when they brought out that onion, I almost pooped my pants in excitement. It was everything I imagined and more.

Bare: IT IS HERE!!! Back in December, Dallin exposed me to a little musical called "bare: a pop opera". I fell in love with it. I used to log on to his blog just to hear the music. Finally in February I broke down and bought the soundtrack. It became a little bit of an obsession for me. I wanted to know everything about this play. I've seen about ever YouTube video relating to it.
And now it is being produced HERE in the Valley Of The Sun. I've seen it twice already. I know some of the cast, and met the writer. I'll probably see it a couple more times before this run is up :)

Swimming: In all honesty, most of my recreation this summer has just been swimming. But seriously, in 110 degree weather, where else can you better enjoy your time?
Its been a pain though to go to family dinner and not be able to swim in my parents pool. They want to make sure none of the grand kids find out that I have a tattoo. I knew that was a risk when I got it, and I made the choice to get one anyway. I respect their rules and only go swimming if I'm wearing a shirt I don't mind getting wet.
However I have to wonder what the kids will think when they find out years from now that their parents and grandparents were trying to shield them from Uncle Austin's evil ink spot. I think they will realize how ridiculous it is. There just isn't very much logic behind it. It goes back to this.

Church: I forgot that Pioneer Day had been the Friday before. It was... interesting. However I did have to fight back the tears when we sang "Come Come Ye Saints." This is a perfect example of my retarded crying patterns. I cry when I have no idea why.

Visitors: Todd's cousin, David, came to visit. Finally. He brought Turtle with him, and we all were so happy he did. I hope she didn't feel marginalized being the only one that was not a Homo-momo. She was a complete and utter joy to have. David was pretty fun too ;)
I hope they enjoyed their stay!

The Baptism: My brother-in-law did it! He genuinely looked happy. I'm proud of him for doing what he felt was right even though there were lots of people in his life that tried to talk him out of it.

So that's about it. Although it's been fun, I'm hoping for a less eventful week to come. I might actually get registered for school if that happens.

No Reason

Just to remind me that he loves me and to see me smile.

:)

Yes, I do know how lucky I am.

Sob Stories

My crying habits are really weird. First of all, I cry way too much. If you were to ask my friends they would probably tell you that I never cry. I rarely let it happen in public, but I try not to isolate myself either. That means that my mother and Todd can (but probably wouldn't) recount hundreds of instances that they've caught me crying, usually over nothing.
However when I get that deep, dark, depressed feeling inside that makes me want to cry and let it all out, I can never turn on the water works. Which makes me more frustrated and depressed.
So I have a solution. There are four movies that can get me to cry.... No... Bawl.

A Walk To Remember

Dancer In The Dark

Charly

Prayers For Bobby

**SPOILER ALERT** The one common thread in all these movies is that a character always ends up dying. There are plenty of stories out there that I feel like use the death of a character solely to evoke a cheap tear from the audience. However, in these movies it's never death that brings the tears. I'm defiantly not in ANY rush to die, but death doesn't really scare me or make me sad.

Its things like noticing a boy become a man, and a girl achieve all of her dreams.

Its things like watching a mother work her ass off to help her son, and after losing hope, finding out that her efforts were not in vain.

Its things like seeing a husband in denial that his wife is dying and a mother longing for her child just to remember her.

Its things like empathizing with a boy who's mother believes God would make her pick between loving her son, and being a good Christian.

Anyway, if you if you're ever in need of a good cry, you now know where to turn. I wouldn't recommend watching them all in one sitting... it might leave you quite dehydrated.

Sales Pitch Strategies

Yesterday I finally went to the ward I'm supposed to attend. It wasn't much different than other student wards that I've been to. The congregation was packed with beautiful people, and peppered with a few of those weirdos that clearly are not getting out of the singles' ward anytime soon.
The sacrament service was headed up by the Tempe, Arizona mission president and his wife, the Craigs. Their talks were nice, and it was clear how much missionary work meant to them. Their message was somewhere along the lines of, "Every member is a missionary, so if you reactivate members who have fallen away from the church, then there will be more missionaries!"

There are several approaches that people involved in missionary work can take, most of which just irritate me. There is the salesman method; if you let them in, they won't leave till you buy the product and they have filled their quota. Then there's the force-feed technique; they chase everyone they see so they can jam their beliefs down your throat. Of course there's the lazy-ass missionary; they went out to please other people and aren't really into the mission thing so they just screw around and go through the motions. There are many more I'm sure, but the missionaries that drive me craziest are the spirit-leaders: they spend every second of their missions waiting for the spirit to tell them what to do, even what to order in the McDonald's drive-thru.

The Craigs seemed to focus on the service and sharing approach. This by far is my favorite! Basically their theory is that if you live like Christ, and try to help others who cross your path, they will come to you with a desire to know Christ, because of the way you emulated him.

---

My brother-in-law is getting baptized in ten days. I have very mixed feelings about this. He dated my sister for over 2 years, when she had little to no activity in the church. Then they got married and she hopped on the Molly Mormon Train. In all of the eight and a half years that they have been married, never have I heard him express ANY interest in joining. He has gone to church with her every Sunday and even held callings. Dozens of missionary companionships have taught him the discussions who couldn't resolve his dozens of questions. Then out of no where, last Thursday my oldest sister tells me that these new missionaries are getting him baptized.

He and my sister live in Scott's home ward, so I was recently there for sacrament meeting. Every time I've ever been in that ward, someone mentions their Stake's goal of having 5 convert baptisms a month. This last time I went the High Counselor was spouting off statistics about how they hadn't met the quota last month, but had surpassed it the month before.
My jaw hit the ground as I sat in disbelief. How do those new members feel hearing that? How could they NOT feel like another notch on a bedpost?

I haven't ever had a really deep relationship with this brother in law. I see him once or twice a week, but never would I just call him up to have a conversation. Yet, he is still probably the person in my family I would be most comfortable discussing my sexuality with. I don't know really what his views of homosexuality are, but he has always given the impression that he's accepting. He and Tiffani used to be really good friends. Like BEST friends.

If he's doing what he wants, and it will make him happy, good for him! But I'm so confused! Why now? Why is he getting baptized?
Looks like the Craigs' techniques are working out...

Love the Sinner. Hate the Sin.

I desire to be treated with respect, so I try to give that same respect to others.

** The SGA community uses the term "reparative therapy" rather than "change therapy". Their rational is that the therapy will help you repair/heal the deficits and wounds that they believe all gay men have, and thereby create a shift in your sexual orientation. I find that the general public is more familiar with the term "change therapy" and mistake "reparative therapy" for a branch of physical therapy. Ultimately the goal of this therapy IS for you to come out a different person than you went in, so I feel that "change therapy" is an accurate label. Also my computer doesn't think "reparative" is a real word.**

I truly respect those that are in change therapy. I apologize if my blog has ever given the impression that I do not. I have some deep-seated issues with the institution, but I think highly of those that turn to change therapy to find happiness. If you cannot be happy because you are attracted to your same gender, I completely respect you for taking the initiative to try to reconcile those feelings. I would not name-call, slander, or ever talk bad about those people.

I would never try to deter a man on the "Journey to Change". My thoughts, ideas and beliefs are my own and I will not push them on anyone else. **BUT, my thoughts, ideas and beliefs come from my experience with the institution and I will share them with those that will listen. I wouldn't go to an Evergreen Conference, a Fast and Testimony Meeting, or Journey into Manhood to preach my ideals. On that same note I would expect the same respect from those in change therapy. Please, do not preach your ideals on my blog, or try to force your beliefs on me if I'm not asking to hear them.

I don't really have a lot of respect for the men that run change therapy programs anymore.
My major is declared as clinical psychology. I got into this field because there was a time in my life when I was sure that I wanted to be a change therapist. I had so much respect for the men who run this program that I wanted to BE one of them.

So what changed?
In November I was still doing my course work for my major when my psych teacher took me aside and showed me my term paper. He had failed it. I had written it on change therapy, and cited all of my sources. He explained that fundamentally my paper was perfect, but that the ideas and sources reflected the concepts of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). I told him that I knew that and explained what my future career plans were. He got really concerned and told me that regardless he couldn't accept my paper because the APA (American Psychological Association) discredits NARTH, and every other branch or conversion, reparative, and change therapies. In fact NO mainstream health institution in America (American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, National Association of Social Workers, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Association of School Administrators, the American Federation of Teachers, the National Association of School Psychologists, the American Academy of Physician Assistants, and the National Education Association) will support them; they are all critics of such therapies and consider them harmful.

He gave me the opportunity to re-write my paper. I took it and was ready to walk out, when this concerned man asked me, "do you know what priestcraft is?" He pulled out his scriptures and read a few select verses to me. Then we sat there is silence as I digested what I had heard.
I wanted Celestial Glory. I had been told that the ONLY way to obtain that was to be straight. The only way to be straight was to pay $120 a session. There was a man making a profit off of my determination to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I suppose that I do still give these men respect though. I'm not trying to hurt their businesses or steal away their clientele. I have no admiration or esteem for them though.

In the end, we all try to pick the path that we feel is best for us. Naturally, sometimes that leads us to feel that people, who pick other paths, have chosen the wrong one. However, even if you feel that I'm evil there is no use in us debating, or trying to indoctrinate each other. Can't we all just show a little respect?

Ist Brüno!

In a recent conversation with my father, he called Sacha Baron Cohen "a bad man". He was highly offended that "this man is making a huge profit off of gay-bashing and perpetuating an unfairly dramatized stereotype of gay men." I love my dad and I find it really sweet that he is so protective of me.

So I almost felt bad when I decided to go to the midnight showing of Bruno last night.


**Disclaimer** This is not a movie review. I will only say that I have never laughed so hard or been more offended because of a movie. When it was over I was still laughing and smiling. It was worth every cent.

I've said it before, but midnight showings are one of my favorite things in the the world. Todd hates them, but he was a good sport and went anyway. (He probably thought that by going to Bruno, I would let him off the hook of seeing Harry Potter 6 next Tuesday at midnight..... he is so wrong :)

It was a complete and total fiasco from the beginning.

1) Tickets and IDs. We were meeting our friends at the theater but we got there a little bit before them. We went ahead and got in line to buy our tickets. When our turn came the employee asked to see our IDs. Now, this wasn't a huge shocker for me, but I did find it funny that they needed to see Todd's. I thought all the scruff on his face would have been a good sign that he surpassed the 17 years old restriction for R-rated films. We got our tickets and walked inside where they tear your ticket and direct you to your auditorium. Again they asked to see our IDs. This has never happened to me, but I just went with it. Finally we get to the auditorium and there is another employee checking ticket stubs and IDs for a third time. I still am not quite sure why they went to such lengths to be sure we were old enough, but the whole ordeal really did hype the movie for me.

2) Sociology. The auditorium filled up pretty quickly. Our friends showed up. There were other people that we recognized and were excited to see. Still, there were others that we were not so excited to see.
Slowly it became clear that Bruno was bringing in a VERY diverse crowd: jocks, fag hags, fag haters, fags, preps, nerds, married couples, loners, and those kids that look/smell like they don't shower. The only common factor was that we were all young. It made for an interesting and kind of fun vibe.

3) Technical Difficulties. We noticed during the previews that for about 15 minutes, the theater equipment was not working right. The ads were only being projected in blue and green hues. That problem was fixed though and the movie went on. Everything was fine and we were enjoying ourselves. Then about half way through the movie, the film goes upside down and the audio is being played backwards. Then it just shuts off. The manager comes in and announces that it will take about 20 minutes to fix this problem.

4) Twenty (40) Minute Intermission. As an apology from the theater to us, we all got free re-fills on our drinks and free movie passes. We spent this time wondering through the halls of the theater, using the restrooms (multiple times if your bladder is as small as mine), and collecting our free shit. It must have taken them a lot longer than they thought to fix the problem but finally they did get it back up and running. We finished the movie and went home.

I thoroughly enjoyed our crazy night. If nothing else, some good did come out of last night; we now have free movie passes so Todd has no excuse not to come see Harry Potter 6 next Tuesday at midnight with me!

A Smorgasbord Of Thoughts

What did the world do without Facebook and text messaging?

I really should start reading again.

Getting up in the morning is harder than ever before.

Yes, gay men typically are more attractive than straight men.

I hate moving.

Although it sometimes feels like I know them, I probably should not refer to bloggers that I have never talked to, as "my friends". It only enhances my loner-ness.

I make an excellent cheesecake.

The 4th of July is just like the majority of the other 365 days of the year.

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. His comfort never fails me.

I wish I had the power to nuke Michigan sometime this month.

I hate to admit it, but Paris Hilton is gorgeous, even before the nose job.

For the first time in my life, I'm really excited for the 24th of July.

An uneventful/unproductive day will put me in a really bad mood.

AZ weather is best appreciated from in a swimming pool.

Purple is quickly becoming a favorite color of mine.

I'm poor.

I cry too much. It's a selfish expression.

I want a girls' night with my sisters and my mother so badly.

Fear rarely keeps me from stepping out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes I feel so inadequate and untalented when I compare myself to the people that I am closest to. Then I remember that they need me just as much as I need them, and I discover my talents and realize just how exceptional I am.

I'm sick of movies.

Why are kisses in the rain magically a hundred times better than the average?

I still have small, random shreds of internalized homophobia. I blame Change Therapy.

(Don't take this one the wrong way. I do NOT have any desire to dress in women's clothing.) I'm envious that girls have such versatile wardrobe/cosmetic/coiffure options.

My desire for food is usually less than my eagerness to spend money on it. So I settle for Top Ramen.

I haven't lost my passion for running; only my ability to do it well.

Officially I Am Gay

Todd had a surprise for me!
All week he has said, "If you get home soon enough than I can surprise you."
He knows that nothing will drive me crazy like a surprise. I hate being surprised. I sucked it up though and tried not to bug him every five minutes about what he had planned for me.

Today I got home from work at 10 a.m. and immediately started harassing him about what we would be doing. Personally, I think he tried to string me along until he thought I might explode with the frustration of not knowing. Finally he told me it was time to go. I got in the car and immediately started freaking out about the possible places we could be going.

Then we arrived.

Todd took me to do the gayest thing I have ever done... Really... bar NONE... the gayest...
And I LOVED IT :)

We both got mani-pedis (That's a "manicure and a pedicure" for all of you boys that are reading but trying to pretend you are too straight to know what that means). It was one of the best things I have ever done. As I've mentioned before, I'm really embarrassed of my feet.

When I worked at the Biosphere2 we used lots of a mild acid. Although it claimed to be "mild" it was strong enough to eat through my shoes and leave my feet soaking in this acid all day. The burns healed after a few months.

Calloused. Scared. Cracked. Gross, I know.

But I am here to testify of the power of a pedicure. First of all, it felt amazing. Secondly, it gave me gay-points (those are like brownie-points, except gay-points only matter to other gays {Oh, and another fun fact; it takes exactly 20567 gay-points to be Officially Gay}). Lastly, I will now go as far as to say that my feet are CUTE. Practically a miracle. It was/is amazing! Thanks Todd.

Phone Calls, The Followers, A Film, A Farwell and My Father

So Sunday was my old buddy Scott's farewell. He is one of the only friends that I lost in the process of coming out and unfortunately he was the friend that probably meant the most. I've talked a lot about him (here, here and here).
Last week I realized that his farewell must be coming up soon. I called some mutual friends of ours, most of whom replied, "I love you Austin, but I'm not sure that you going would be such a good idea." So finally, I grew some balls, and texted Scott directly and asked when his farewell was. I half expected to be ignored, so the text that came five minutes later caught me off guard.
"The 28th at 1pm. Be there."
I was shocked but happy. I didn't set any expectations for what kind of a situation the 28th at 1pm would bring. I was just taking the text for what it was: the end of a silent grudge match.

Saturday

My mom called (she doesn't know how to work iTunes). The chitchat was trival until she asked if I was bringing Todd to Scott's farewell. I told her that I was planning on it.

Mom's Reasons To Leave Todd At Home

• It is Scott's special day so his bigotry should be tolerated (That's the gist of her idea in my words)


• Don't rub it in people's faces (Is everyone really just that jealous of what me and Todd have? :)


• This is not the time or place to promote your political ideology (My only intention was to go to church with my significant other. When did that become a political statement? Why can straight couples do normal things, like go to church, and not be accused of making a statement?)

I told her I would probably still bring Todd because I felt her reasons weren't good enough. I hung up and within five minutes my dad called. He asked me if I was bringing Todd to Scott's farewell. I told him I was planning on it.

Dad's Reasons To Leave Todd At Home

• It is Scott's special day so his bigotry should be tolerated
  
• Don't rub it in people's faces
• This is not the time or place to promote your political ideology

Look familiar? I was so frustrated with the whole situation that I just hung up on Dad. I know really mature, right? I just had to get away from all the bull shit.

Later that night Todd and I needed to go to Bookmans. We got to the intersection where Bookmans is, and me saw a rally. There were big banners that said things like "Heaven or HELL? It's your choice," and "God did NOT make Adam & STEVE." There were about fifty people or so chanting religious propaganda. We had our windows down and he could hear that some of them had megaphones and were shouting in Spanish. We just laughed to ourselves about this. How do people like that even remotely think that is what Christ would do? Do they really believe that saying things like that is going to make any homosexual want to change the way he lives his life? In fact, I would bet that by attaching the name of Jesus Christ to such harsh and hurtful messages, they are only damaging homosexuals' view of what kind of man our Savior really is. Yet they claim to be His followers. More bull shit.

Later we were in the car, blasting Lady Gaga, and singing at the top of our lungs. A truck pulled up along side us. There were three guys in the cab that looked like they belonged in the religious rally we'd seen earlier. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger window and mimicked our dance moves. We just smiled and sang louder... until I had an idea.
I grabbed Todd's face and kissed him.
The guy looked like he had seen someone be shot.
It was awesome.
The light turned green and we drove off.

Sunday

So I finally did it. I watched Prayers For Bobby. SUCH a good movie! I'll just say that it addressed every point possible. It's simply amazing.
I hope and pray that someday my parents will see it with open and softened hearts. I want to send it to them, but I know that they would not watch it in the right spirit. It has to come from someone that they trust... which is hard since my mother refuses to talk to anyone about the fact that I'm gay.

I went to Scott's farewell. Alone. Todd was a good sport and we decided it would be best if he stayed home. The farewell was good. Scott came up to me after sacrament meeting and thanked me for coming. He had a big smile and tried to make small talk. The way that he was acting; I almost thought his next question was going to be, "Why haven't we hung out in so long? I've missed you!" I was just so lost in his false facade. Whatever.

I pulled my dad aside after the service and apologized. I told him how sorry I was for the way I had reacted. The more I had thought about it, the more respect I had for him. All he was doing was trying to please my mother. He defends her and backs her up 100%. I can't be mad at him for trying to be a good husband. I respect him so much and hope to be a fraction as good as he is.

Consolidation

I have five posts ready to go up... yuck. See, I go days without anything to blog about... AND then! a magical day comes along and brings material for FIVE posts.
So I'm consolidating.
Warning: It's still super long.

Killjoy:
A few weeks ago I talked Todd into going to Forbidden, the gay club. My excitement level was much more than his. It had been months since I'd been, and I was ready to dance.

**Side Note** I hate... sorry... HATE... driving. I fall asleep at the wheel more than I'd like to admit, and it only gets worse for me at night. Todd likes to drive, so I let him!

Since Todd was going to drive, he wouldn't be able to drink. So I didn't drink either.
The fun of going to a gay club is to be crazy, dance and be uninhibited. Therefore the level of fun at Forbidden is maximized by 100% times the ounces of alcohol consumed.

We arrived just after midnight, so there was a healthy amount of people. We ran into four of my friends. We danced for 3 songs. Todd is a great dancer. I was totally inhibited. I felt trashy/dirty being there. I was ready to go.
So we ended up leaving about twenty minutes after getting there.

We ended up going to McDonald's and getting Apple Pies and going home early to watch a movie...
This was one of the most fun ideas we ever had.
Am I getting too old to enjoy the social scene at 19? Am I already losing touch?


Sunday Sacrifice:
So this past Sunday was Fathers' Day. I realized this the Wednesday before. I had totally forgotten. So I called my dad to subtly find out what he wanted. He said, "Well it would be really nice to see you guys at church."
It has been about two months since I've been to church. I used to be so good about it, but then I realized that there are other things a boy can do on Sunday besides sit in a pew.
Lately I had been talking about going again, so it was a good excuse for me to actually do it.

I was worried about two things
1- How Todd would take this Father's Day gift suggestion.
2- How my mom would react if her gay son showed up and church with his boyfriend.

So point #1. I've always told Todd that I would never pressure him to go to Church. If I got back in the habit then he would be more than welcome to come with me, but I would never ask him to come. I just have this weird thing about pushing my beliefs on other people.
So I got home one day and Todd asked me what we were going to give my dad for Father's Day. I told him what dad had asked for. He just smiled and said he could do that. (I love this boy!) Then Todd brought up Point #2.

Point #2. My mother is supper embarrassed that anyone would find out that her son is gay. This fact makes my stomach roll. I'm upset that she's embarrassed her son is different, but not hurting anyone. I'm sad that I've made my mother embarrassed. I'm flippant and I'm spreading the news that I'm gay anyway.
So I'm sure that everyone in my parents ward knows that I'm gay (Facebook works better than a press conference), but they don't discuss it with my parents. So my mother lives in the illusion everyone in the ward is oblivious.
So when my dad said, "it would be really nice to see you guys at church," I wondered if he had thought this through.

Regardless, we went to church.
With in the first 10 minutes of the 45 minute drive (My parents live in the boonies) two big rocks shattered my windshield on the freeway. Great. One more thing to fix. But we were stalwart and kept going.
We got there during the opening song. We peeked our heads into the chapel and my dad (the bishop) saw us right away and had the biggest smile I've ever seen! He looked like my nephews do on Christmas morning. Then I saw where my mom and sister's family were sitting and we took a seat on their bench. During the opening prayer I kept my eyes open (yeah I know, I'm going to hell) and saw the tears pouring down my mother's face, and the endless smile on my father's.
I was worried that my mother's tears were coming from her embarrassment or worry of what others would think. Or worse, out of anger at me for coming with Todd.
The tears did not end until half way through the first speaker's talk. Then she was all smiles and giggles. After sacrament she thanked me for coming and she was cordial with Todd.
Dad gave me a big hug and told me how much he loves me and how excited he was to see me. I'm always impressed with the way that he treats Todd. He stepped out of the room, into the foyer to find Todd, shake his hand and shoot the breeze.
In the car we agreed that church had actually been enjoyable, and if nothing else, it was totally worth it just to see my dad's smile.


Linger Longer: Gay Style:
After church on Sunday, and the mandatory-Sunday-afternoon-nap, Todd had to go to work.
One of his side jobs is accompanying an LGBT choir in the valley. They had a performance at Icepics, a gay bar, for Show Tunes Sunday (it is the bar's busiest night).

The choir did a good job.

Todd played beautifully.

Todd and I got hit on by a few older gays.

I got free Jell-o Shots.

I got to hang out with some awesome people.

So the point is, maybe I'm not losing touch. Maybe I'm not getting too old for social things. I liked this after church activity. So what is the difference between my Icepics and Forbidden experiences? Well I did have alcohol at Icepics which I'm sure did play a role, but there were other factors. I didn't have to deal with guys trying to grope me on the dance floor. There were no nearly-naked boys running around. There were so stripper poles. The music was not blowing out my ear drums....
Ok so maybe I am old, but I think this may be what it feels like to settle down.


My Place's Plague:
As I mentioned here I am living with KC in a place of our own. Everything has been going great. We get along so well. It has really become a place worth living in.

Until the bugs.

When we first moved in we noticed that there were a few little move in bugs. Nothing big, just a few small bugs here and there. We let the complex people know and they promised to spray the apartment.
The day after they sprayed, we kept seeing bugs. So we took matters into our own hands. We noticed a gap between the threshold and the bottom of our front door, so we got a spacer to attach to the door and fill the gap. We put roach hotels with poison in them all over the house. We even got these little sonic sound things that you plug in the wall to repel bugs.
It seemed to be working! Success! No bugs for a few days or so.

But then Sunday came, and I got the call.

KC: Austin!

I can tell she's been crying

Me: Yes?

KC: We kind of have a problem...

Me: uh-oh... Did I leave the stove on and burn our apartment down? Did I leave the shower on and flood the place?

KC: No. I wish

Why would she want to ruin our beautiful place!?!? I just stay silent because I'm caught off guard.

KC: I went to get into bed and they were there.

Me: KC I don't understand you. What did you see?

I'm thinking at this point... "Holy shit-balls, my room mate just got raped and is barely hanging on to life!"

KC: Bed Bugs.

Cue jaw drop.

Me: .... Holy shit-balls.

We have bed bugs. I'm so disgruntle. The pest control came and inspected and told us that this is a pre-existing problem with the apartment and KC nor I brought them in.
We are getting a third-party mediator involved to help us break our lease 11 months early. We also Are fighting to get out rent money and deposit back. KC thinks that we can even try to get a stipend for new mattresses. I'm not holding my breath. I just want to get out of there. KC is already apartment shopping again.

So where do I go?

KC says that I can move into the new apartment (where ever that will be) and she won't raise rent on me since it was already negotiated.

But then again there is always moving into my Home...


Just A Comment...:
Here is my selfish post.

I know that there are people reading this blog. I can see that there are.
I write this blog for myself to get my thoughts written out. Its my journal of sorts.
I have gotten a ton of e-mails lately, which I do my best to reply quickly to.
I do have to admit that my favorite part is when people give feed back. Knowing that other people care about what I have to say means a LOT to me.
So if you have a blog, or not; if you follow my blog, or not; if I know you or not... Please Leave A Comment.

Hahaha, and I mean comment on other posts. Ones that I've already put up or ones to come. I'm not trying to get 2000 comments on just this one post. :)

I love you guys, my loyal readers. You make me feel a little bit less self-conscious and a lot more confidant. Thank you for that.

Prince Toddy Bear

For my 40th post I want to do something real special.

When I started this blog I told myself that I wouldn't ever do something like this, but it has become nearly impossible to be authentic in my posts without doing this. I have a couple of posts that I'm ready to put up, but I need to do this first.

I'm ready to introduce the blogging world to someone very important in my life.

Everyone, say Hi to Todd!
(He's on the left... I'm his right hand man ;)

Those of you that are friends with me on Facebook, or have talked to me in the past 2 months have probably heard me brag lots already about this boy. However, allow me to continue on this post :)

Todd is an artist and musician who blesses my life with the beauty he brings to it. He works for a wide range of theater companies through out the valley, designing sets, playing the piano, and instructing classes. He has an endless list of side jobs that keep him busy and smiling.

More than that though, he is a really sweet guy. He is the first to lend a hand to help someone in need. He's open minded and can see from other people's perspectives. He understands what I'm going through as a gay Mormon, because he's going through it too. Its amazing to have someone that understands my culture and beliefs. Even though they may not be the same. He supports me.

He would do anything for me. He's already proven that.

I would do anything for him. I'm trying to show him that every day.

It feels like that story the princess and the frog.... except its the prince and the frog :)
He sees my warts and all of my faults, yet he sees my potential too. He's willing to take a big risk on me. Then he brings out the best in me.

O.K. Now I feel super cliche with all of this and I hate bragging about him where he can see it. ;)
But now you guys are all clued into the best thing in my world.

The title of this post was purposefully chosen in an attempt to embarrass this boy that is impossible to embarrass.
We'll see how it works. :)

Everyone Pick A Letter Before They're All Used Up... Twice

If you were to ask me what the best thing about being gay is, I would say the sense of community that comes with it. For sure.
But what do we call this Community?
This week I learned that there is an interesting disagreement on this. :)

GLB:

This is the first acronym that I ever remember hearing about. Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals. I don't really even believe in bisexuals, but they got their name in the initialism before I even came out.

LGBT:

Then I came out, and spent time with other gay people and I kept hearing this new acronym. Transgender is a new addition. I guess there is some argument over whether the G or L should come first. Personally, I say put the L first. It just flows better, plus I'm still a bit old fashioned; ladies first.

LGBTQ:

I got involved with helping a group here in the valley called 1n10 and noticed that they had added a "Q" (sometimes a "U" or just a "?") to the end for Questioning. So people that are not comfortable to come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender... and may possibly be straight... can still feel at home in our community.

LGBTQI:

Kathy Griffin was brilliant on Larry King!!!! On his show she made a reference to LGBTQI. She explained that "I" stood for Intersex but could not explain what that meant. A quick trip to Wikipedia gave me more information and visuals (literally... there were pictures) than I needed or wanted. In short, an intersexual person is a heraphrodite.

LGBTQIA:

PFLAG coined this term. This was probably the first time that I thought, "hmmm... that feels like a LOT of letters for one initialism." But "A" stands for Allies so I was willing to accept it.

LGBTQQIA:

Ok so THIS "Q" was added to stop any other letters from being added. It stands for Queer. I wasn't sure at first why it was needed since we already have gay, and lesbian in the acronym. I found out though, that its supposed to just be an umbrella term to cover all the non-traditional-sexual groups.
However, this didn't work as planed.


Sometimes other groups like to make sure their voice is heard and add their letter into the mix.

An additional T

Transvestites and Transexuals have been placed under the same category of Transgender, but they feel that their issues are different enough to require separate letters.

O

Omnisexuals (or pansexuals) are often mistaken for bisexuals but they would also like to be separated. Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women. Omnisexuals are attracted to people. They call themselves gender blind. Man, woman, or intersexual; there is no difference to an omnisexual.

An additional A

Asexual individuals do not experience any kind of attraction to anyone. I suppose it is the opposite of an omnisexual. I'm not sure why they would want to be listed amongst the ranks of such sexualized groups, but apparently there is a cry for it because they wish to have their "A" added to the acronym as well.

P

Polysexuality. This is the belief in a multiple partner relationship..........
ok I draw the line here...

If we satisfy every group we end up saying that we are part of the

LGBTTQQIOPAA community.

What happened to equality and unity and what not? Why are we separating ourselves further by adding more and more letters?
Don't misunderstand me. I believe that there is a need for EVERY group to have a voice, but we have to make a choice in order to be effective. Unite as one voice or Split up and address each groups individual needs separately.
I'm in favor of the later option. We are just too diverse of a group, looking for different things, to function as a collective unit.

I feel like we are just hurting each other by tying ourselves to one another. We each have our own battles to fight and issues to deal with.

• Transgenders have to worry about what public bathroom is acceptable for them to use.
• Some Polysexuals fight for the legalization of plural marriages.
• Intersexuals have to deal with gender labels.

Those are just some of the things I will never have to deal with.
So what is my community?
I friends in nearly all of these groups. I like all of my friends but my question is more of "who can I stand by and join them in their fight for rights?"

I would have to say that my community would look more like LGA (lesbians, gays and allies).
This isn't necessarily because I don't believe that all the other groups issues are not valid. Frankly, some I just do not understand.


But why are people trying to link us all together?

I'm Embarrassed...

• That I'm only 19... for the next 3 months
• About my job (I'm a window cleaner)
• Of my social awkwardness in large groups
  
• About my laugh
• Of the amount in my bank account
  
• That I have a non-muscular physique
  
• Talking about sex
• That I didn't serve a mission
• Of my feet (I blame the Biosphere)
  
• That I voted "yes" on Prop 102
• Of my ghetto car
• To dance sober
• Of how emotionally sensitive I am
  
• Of my past
• My musical inability
• That I'm still attending a Community College
• That I don't have perfect, clear skin
  

Austin's My New Hott Mess

Yes Todd, if you read this post, I stole it directly from you :)

So I know that some of you watched RuPaul's Drag Race. If you, like me, missed out, you should log on to LOGO.com right now and catch up on the whole season.

Why do/did we like Drag Race?
Because it is a GUARANTEED HOTT MESS.We enjoy the sporadic fights that broke out over nothing. The melt downs that were triggered by petty offenses. The rare touching moments. The bitching.... It was just so surreal that it was laughable and brought an hour of joy into our lives.

But now it is over.
:(

So what is a queer to do?
Four words and one acronym.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF

A new Hott Mess has graced the scene. MTV is now housing the craziest, most obnoxious, worse-than-you-can-imagine, show. Once again though, we find pleasure it knowing that our lives are so much (I hate to say "better than" or "more normal" since those seems like relative judgments.... but....) better than or more normal compared to than we may have thought other wise.

Its terrible.
But we love it!

One of the contestants, Stephen, is the only boy but brings half of the entertainment. Labeled as "The Gay Mormon" I had high hopes that he would be a public figure to shed a good light on all of us Homo-Momos. However, this typical gay seems to bring more laughs through his ditzy-persona than to be a serious public representitive.

So, moral of the blog:If you are looking for some low quality entertainment tonight that will keep you laughing all week long, check out the newest Hott Mess on T.V.
:)

There's No Place Like Home, Home, or Home.

Drum roll please.
*bum dum rum*
*bum dum rum*
*bum dum rum*

I've been officially moved out of my parents house for a week now!
**TA DA**

Well, in reality I moved out like a month ago. But now it is official!

Now I feel like I have 3 homes though.

The House

My parents say I'm always welcome in their home. Which I believe. To an extent. Warning: yes I know the following is a run-on sentence and an immature rant.
As long as I put on an act and pretend to be someone that I'm not, so that my family can feel comfortable in their little-piece-of-heaven-on-earth, even though my actions would would in no way defile their safe-haven more than my sisters' non-temple weddings already have, but in their eyes its different because MY actions challenge all of the prejudices that they've had and been able to hold on to and never question because, until now, it has never directly effected them, so instead of growing up and stop discriminating against me they would rather ignore it and have me impersonate the son they wish they had. *sigh*

Home

In contrast to my parents house in Queen Creek, Home is directly in the middle of civilization. It sits on that fuzzy line between Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Tempe. This is where I'm the happiest. I've lived here for the past month and still spend most of my time here. Someday I'll officially move in here.

My Place

This is where most of my stuff is for the next two and a half months. I'm subletting this apartment with a super sweet girl, KC, for the summer. I'm literally less then a mile from the heart of ASU campus and the Light-Rail System runs practically past my front door. I love that I have empty space and bare walls for me to make my own. I work in the mornings, and KC works at night. So between our mismatched schedules, and the time I spend at Home, I have a true sense of independence. Its liberating. Even though I'm not really on my own, I feel like this is the experience that was my goal to acquire anyway.

Daddy's Child

I love my father. More than that, I like him and I have a good relationship with him.
It seems that this is a rare statement to be heard among gay men.

The other day I was having car troubles (actually I still am *sad face*) and my dad agreed to help take a look at it. After looking it over for a couple of hours we gave up. We put the tools away and went inside. When we got inside I saw him smiling. After such frustrating work on my car, that yielded no results, in the AZ 105 degree heat, I saw little to smile over. I finally got frustrated and asked, "What are you so smirking about?"
His smile just got bigger and he said, "I just like you a lot."
I forgot about my irritation with my car. Too often I feel like I have just been one big disappointment to my parents, so hearing things like that send me into shock.
In spite of everything, my dad is still proud of me.

I fully expect that my kids will give me just as much grief that I've put my parents through. I want to raise my kids to be better than me however. I think that is every parent's hope though. I will encourage them to set high goals and standards for themselves, and reach them.
Obviously I do not expect, or even hope for, perfection from my children. My past/present decisions will help me to have understanding and compassion for my children no matter what.
I don't worry too much about it though. I feel like open communication is key to any relationship. My children will be smart individuals with parents that are involved in their lives.

Fathers that LOVE and ACCEPT them so matter what.

Use Protection

Remember when you were 5 and you asked your parents where babies came from? Most of us who were curious enough to ask got some bull shit answer like " a stork" or "its just what mommies do". Or remember when your fish/bird/cat/dog died and your parents told you that it went to live in the ocean/on a farm?

Now, I'm sure that someone out there will say that their mom and dad were different and instead taught them the facts of life early on. However I feel that most of you can relate. I think most Mormon parents, like mine, tend to "Protect" their children by shielding them from the harsh realities of life. There were things going on around me that my parents believed were too much for me to handle or understand. So instead of giving me solid, real, answers, they chose to "Protect" me.

They did this in 3 ways.

1. Pacifying me by give me a fictitious answer that I would except as "truth" and get me to stop asking.
   
2. Give me only half of the truth and ignore the uncomfortable nitty-gritty details.
   
3. Completely ignore the fact that I had asked such a question.

They did this because, honestly, they felt in their hearts that it was in my best interest to do so.



I chose to protect my parents, because I honestly felt in my heart that it was in their best interest for me to do so.

Seventeen days ago (the day before I left for my California get-away) my parents confronted me about my blog. My mother wanted to know if I was "living a double life on this blog of [mine]".
No mom. Kim Possible lives a double life. Severus Snape lived a double life. I lived a double life my senior year when I was too afraid to tell you (or anyone for that matter) that I had a boyfriend. But not anymore...

I've been completely open with my parents about the fact that I'm gay and that I have no desire to change my orientation or to be celibate. I have let them know how I feel about certain issues (the Church, gay marriage and families, God, ect.)

But there were things in my life that I wanted to "Protect" them from. There were things that were going on in my life that I believed were too much for them to handle or understand. But in my effort to "Protect I decided that my parents three ways of handling my questions were not effective. I would "Protect" by avoiding topics like sex, drinking and tattoos, but be honest with them if they asked. I knew, however, that they wouldn't ask because they didn't want the answers to such questions. Easy enough right?

I'm sad that I can't "Protect" them from the realities of my life, but its ok that they know. I'm completely open and honest here on my blog and I have it set to public for a reason.

I found out where babies come from and what really happened to Lucy, the dog. My parents got their answers too.

Controversial Header

I had an interesting conversation with a reader of my blog the other day. This gay-LDS-reader from California expressed his views of... I'm not even sure. Whether he wanted to stay celibate or marry a woman, I have no idea but regardless, he did not agree with my plans for my future.
The conversation started nice enough but quickly turned bitter. However I do have to admit that this mystery reader did make a good point:

"I find it a bit odd that you have this really hot almost naked guy as your chat title and it says "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." Are you really trying to find your way or have you figured it out and now just trying to get enough support to believe what you want vs. what you may still believe but that doesn't really go in line with what you feel? If I may be so bold as to ask?"

Alright. Here I go. First off, yes I do have a hottie at the top of my blog. In fact if you haven't noticed yet I change my Header Man on the first of every month. I figure this is like a magazine and it deserves a new "cover" each month.

Yes the subtitle of my blog does say "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." I chose those words very carefully. I wanted to express who I am and what I'm doing here in the blog-o-sphere.

Am I trying to find my way or have I already figured it out? I believe that for the most part, I know the course that my life will take. I have spent years deliberating and trying to figure out what I, and the Lord, feel would be best for me and my future. I've thought about changing that subtitle, now that my future path has become more clear, but am I done trying to find my way? Absolutely not. I still have many more years (hopefully) to live and with that will come struggles, trials and road blocks. Life is a journey and we are all trying to find the way. I'm taking it one step at a time, with my head up and looking ahead.

Yes, I do like getting comments that give me support. I admit it! But not so that I can "believe what I want to." We as humans LOVE to be affirmed. We like having a sense of community. People like talking and listening to others who have similar struggles, beliefs, culture, and even sexual attractions. The reader that posed this question goes to church every week to be affirmed (or as he put it "believe what he wants to") and I blog.

That last part makes me giggle. I assure you that what I believe goes right in line with what I feel, and vice versa. If I didn't know for sure that what I'm doing was the best thing for me, why would I do it? Because I like losing the positive relationships that I had with my family? Because I like knowing that my "friends" are talking badly about me? Or maybe its just because I like all of the attention. Those of you that know me, on a personal level, know that I am highly social but do not enjoy being the center of attention. It makes me quite uncomfortable and anxious. I do know what is best for me. In spite of all of the shit that comes along with being openly gay, I get to be happier than I ever have been too. That makes up for everything else.

One Year Older And Wiser Too.

I've been out for ONE year now!

On the night of May 13, 2008, I told my father that I was gay. He told my mother later that night.
It was not until two or three weeks later that they actually associated the word "gay" with me, rather than just saying that I had "experimented".

This year was been quite the journey. That first month in and of its self was turbulent. I crawled out of the closet and had my first real look at myself. I actually called myself gay for the first time out loud, and no lightning came to strike me down. I was excited to share the feelings and thoughts that I'd been isolating in my head. I was dramatically depressed about not being able to serve a mission.

The rest of the year slowly got better. I wanted to change so bad and be the "normal LDS young man" and marry a woman. I went to therapy and got my hopes up. Shortly after starting, I realized it wasn't going to work. I'd signed up to CHANGE, and all they could promise me was for my gay feelings to "go down" and to "create" feelings for the opposite gender.
I wanted to quit therapy right then and there in that moment of realization, but therapy offered me something else. Not change, but a time to talk about my feelings in a non-judgmental environment. I had no one to talk to till then. My family didn't get it, or want to hear about it. I knew no gays (let alone gay Mormons). So even talking about the "negative" aspects of homosexuality with a therapist was still talking and I was able to get my feelings out in the open.

But I had just come out of the closet, and I was being asked to step back in. It was traumatic. There were a few times that I just had to sneak out it. This life of hiding and sneaking was miserable and unhealthy.

After nine months of therapy I came out again. This time I was running out of the closet. I'm so grateful for all of the friends that helped me get there.

Today I am happier than I have ever been. I can breath in the open air! I can look myself in the mirror without any regret. I don't worry about letting people see who I really am.
I know God. He loves me.

Blissful Bigot

To my family: I know you all are reading my blog by now. I'm going to continue writing the way I always have. I wish that you would stop checking in on this blog, or reading its content, but I can't really make you do anything.
In any case this specific post is NOT angled towards any of you in anyway

Gayness

"It has nothing to do with the Church's beliefs or doctrines. Its a question of moral integrity."

It amazes me that some people with priesthood callings in the Church are even further behind the times then the men who run it. Even they admit that my feelings are real.

The way that I have felt since I was just a little kid is a question of moral integrity? Now if you were to say that I'm immoral for sleeping with a boy before marriage then I might buy that. But to say that all homosexuals are in violation of moral laws/ codes of ethics, because we find ourselves attracted solely to members of our same gender.... that's hurtful. What did I do to bring this on me?

NOTHING

Yet you are ready to judge. This is something you have no experience with or understanding of.
What's more... You aren't even trying to understand. You are happy with being a bigot.
Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

Who's Confused?

I'm in California this week. Just before I left though, my parents tried to explain why they didn't want me to bring my boyfriend to Sunday Family Night Dinner.
"We are concerned. I mean the kids (my siblings) are just worried about... well you know. We just worry that the boys (my nephews) will... get confused."

Really? Do they think that I'll be making out with my boyfriend/fiance/husband at the dinner table? I DO hate the idea of having to hide my love for my significant other when my siblings don't have to. I feel like pretending that we are "room mates" or "best friends" only makes it seem like I condone the intolerance and prejudices that gays are fighting so hard to over come.
BUT I'm not a disrespectful twat. I want to be involved in my nieces' and nephews' lives. If that means that I have to live the "room mate" lie, then so be it. Even though I feel it is totally wrong to do that (it makes it seem like I am ashamed or embarrassed of who I am, the form my love takes, who I love, and what my life is), I can't control the way my siblings raise their children or what they want to "Shield" their children from. My choice then becomes whether I want to be involved in their lives or be forced out.

Really!? What kind of confusion are they talking about?
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be gay? If that is what they meant, then they really still do not get why gay men are gay. I thought they were beyond this point. If my nephews (or nieces for that matter) view a healthy and happy relationship between my partner and I, that will not change their sexual orientation. I was not exposed to any gay relationships growing up. Guess what! I'm still gay. And being gay is not the same as being curious.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be sexually curious? If this is what they meant then they don't understand where curiosities come from. This is in Psychology 101.
We as humans are curious about things that we don't understand. Hearing about, having impersonal interactions, or brief encounters with something (gay relationships) a persons curiosity will peek. This is due to a mystification that is caused by having a distance from, or ignorance of, this same something (gay relationships). If we gain information or have a close relationship with this something (gay relationships) however, we demystify the topic and extinguish the curiosity.
In other words my nephews are growing up in a more accepting time period. They will hear about gay relations and have more potential to be curious about trying gay sex, than if I were open and my relationship was just accepted.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to question what is right and what is wrong? Who cares? This is my life. You cannot know what I'm going through. I try to deal with what's mine the best I know. I live the way I know that I should. I'm sorry if you think that I should be living differently. It is a parents job to teach their children in their home, what they have interpreted to be right and wrong. So how long do you teach your children that your family is perfect, and that we don't have ANY disagreements on what is right and what is wrong? Reality is going to be quite a shock. It will be hard to explain why it is wrong for Uncle Austin to be married to a man and yet he is happy. I would prefer that they just tell their kids that it is wrong that I got married outside of the temple, but then I'm not the only one in the family with fault.
Do they think that my marriage would confuse them? All of my sisters have been married outside of the temple. Are my nieces and nephews being taught that those marriages are less important, and not as good? I was happy for all of my sisters when they got married. At times I truly felt that they were ruining their lives, but I had to wave away that thought, because they were happy. (Never did I question if it was "true-happiness", because it is not my place to determine whether or not someone else is TRULY HAPPY or not.) I was happy for them.
When my cousin Brad got married my parents took me to the wedding. It was in a beautiful not-LDS church somewhere. I was happy for my cousin and enjoyed the service and reception afterwards. When we went home that night my parents taught me their beliefs about marriage. So because mine will involve two grooms is it that much different than that situation?
Bottom line: Life IS confusing. If you think that my beliefs, clashing with your beliefs, will confuse your child, then be a good parent and try to guide them the best you can. But in the end the child will get to choose what he or she interprets to be right and wrong and that is not my fault.

REALLY!?!? Do you know what it would have been like for me to have someone to go to when I was learning to accept my sexuality? I would have given anything to have someone to talk to. Once Tiffani was gone I have no one in my life that understood what I was going through. I felt so much self-hatred, needless shame, and fear. I had this dream scenario of an actively gay and LDS man coming to tell me that I wasn't broken. I needed this affirmation-man so badly. I doubt that I would have turned to my first boy in High School and had sex. I didn't want to have sex; I wasn't super sexually curious. All I wanted was this affirmation-man to let me know that my God still loved me. That I was perfect just the way that I was. My first boy was able to tell me those things.
If by some chance one of my nephews turns out to be gay too, I hope to God that I am there and close enough to him, that I can be that affirmation-man for him. I would want to tell him that his life IS worth living, and I know that because I've been where he is.

Really family? Really.

Reunion

When I was six or so I met Tiffani. She treated me like a little prince from the day I met her. She pampered me and loved me. She was about 15 years older than me. She had a strong personality. She was beautiful. She was gay.

She was a very close family friend. My Saturdays were spent hanging out with her. I spent more time in the summers at her house than at my own. I would wake up early before school to go on bike rides with her. We went shopping together. If nothing else, she exposed me to Jamba Juice... so that should tell you just how cool she is :)

I was started to discover that I was gay when I turned 13 and I wanted to talk to her about it more than anything, but I had an unfounded fear that she would tell some one in my family that I was gay. Even though my family outwardly seemed to be ok with Tiff's sexual orientation, I knew that they would not be as cool about me coming out. Instead I sat back down in the closet and just observed this remarkable woman live her life unafraid of what others might think.

Then, just before I turned 14, Tiffani stepped out of my life without any warning. I was distraught. My best friend had abandoned me. The only one who knew what it was like to have "this gay thing" inside of me. It hurt so badly that I just worked my way further into the back of the closet to cry. I didn't want to associate with the woman that, it felt, had given up on me. I didn't want to be gay.

Years went by and I thought a lot about Tiffani. I never tried to contact her. I was sure that she had forgotten me long ago.

I got outed. I went to change therapy. I left change therapy. I came out.

Then two nights ago we went out to dinner.

She's the one that contacted me set up the dinner date. Apparently one of my sisters had talked to Tiffani recently and mentioned that I was gay, to which she responded, "Duh, we talked about that when he was nine, remember? I just worried that he'd never come out and accept himself."

I didn't realize how hurt and how much animosity I still had for her until I was standing face to face with her at her condo entrance. We awkwardly walked to dinner and I let my emotions flood inside of me. I felt sick and had no appetite.

"I'm sorry..." And with those words all of my old feelings about this marvelous woman came rushing back. She apologized for leaving so unexpectedly. We talked about a lot of things pertaining to the end of our previous friendship. I now understand where she was coming from and do not blame her at all for doing what she needed to do and taking care of herself.

I'm so grateful that she took the initiative to seek me out. I'm so happy to have her back in my life , and that she wants to be active once again in it.

Thank God for old friends, new friends, and good friends in general.

Thanks Boys

I owe a lot of bloggers a LOT of things.
To name a few...

Kurt: You have had a lot of influence in my life in just the little time that we've known one another. You talked me out of making one of the WORST decisions of my life. I can't thank you enough. I haven't been the kind of friend lately that you deserve. Don't give up on me.

Mark: I'm super grateful for your social abilities. And for your encouragement of me talking to/hanging out with complete strangers... Strangers that you've already checked out for me :)
You really do make me laugh more than you know, but I'm more impressed with the way you can get me to calm down, with just a phone call, when I'm all worked up.

Dallin: You exposed me to the blogging world (which has been a huge blessing). You were the first Moho I ever met that was not in change therapy. I knew then that there were other options. You were brave enough to come out publicly, and pave the way for me.

Landon: When we first started being friends, I was a mess. My views about the gospel and church were faltering. My expectations for a future husband were slipping. But then you came to help a friend out. We made lists of deal breakers, and deal bonuses. Our discussions helped me find my footing in the gospel. You made me realize that I'm worth a good husband and I don't need to settle. We'll get those dream weddings someday.

Pancakes: You're blunt. I like it. You have inspired me to be more emotionally independent. I'm so effected by what others say and think about me. I want some of that "I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think" confident mentality. You remind me to surround myself with positive people that boost me up and don't put me down. There is too little time in life to waste on people like that. You are upbeat and live life the way you feel is right. I admire that.

Capt. Midnight: Ok to be honest yours is one of the few blogs that I religiously read every word of. I think its because I can relate to you so well. I am encouraged by your relationship :)

Alan: I'm so excited to meet you! You really have become a father/teacher/adviser/therapist in my life. Thank you so much for being there when I need some one to vent to and get counsel from. You've reminded me that I DO know what joy and true happiness are. I've felt them and still feel them. No one else can tell me what I'm feeling or not feeling :)

I'm sure that I've left people out, but please don't be offended.
Its amazing that my interactions with you all have been limited but through our common struggles I feel very close to you all. Thanks for your comments, messages and feedback that you continually give. I enjoy getting your input. It is appreciated more than you know.

For The Record

Mr. Johnson wrote a narrative :)

I'm so flattered Mark... But did you string me out on GHB or something? I have no recollection of this. But it sounds like we had a lot of fun... in this fantasy of yours. Unfortunately I have to say, it's probably best if you do move on. Sorry Mark. You know why we can't be.

Change of Plans

Its funny how life works... you think you have everything worked out, and then nothing plays out how you thought.

1. I may be resigning my membership from The Church sooner than I thought. This hurts because I still have a testimony of so much of The Church. Of the fundamental and key points. But I'd rather beat them to the punch if you know what I mean. Lately I had even been thinking that it would be possible to retain my membership, forever. I mean I'm only a priest... surely The Church is more concerned with the Actively-Gay Elders or High Priests. However it looks like someone might be exploring the avenues that it would take to get my membership pulled. I'm interested to hear what all you bloggers think about my possible resignation.

2. I'm not moving up to Seattle this year. This does NOT mean I'm staying in the parents' house. I'm still moving out the first week of June. In fact I actually already know where and with who (I'm excited and nervous about the prospect of living with a girl!) I will be living. This was a very difficult choice to make, and perhaps it is the less practical choice to make, but I feel that staying is the right choice for me now. Things have changed. A great new opportunity has presented itself. I feel like I would be a complete idiot if I were to walk away from it without doing everything I possibly could to make it work. I'm tired of living in the "what if's" of life.

I can't thank you all enough for your comments on my last post. I needed that affirmation that I had made the right choice to stand up for myself. Life has been so good lately! I like the way I feel about myself. I have awesome friends and family and others in my life. I'm seriously so blessed.

The Smudge on My Perfect Week

My life is at an all time high! There are too many reasons to be happy and smile! I should be terrified to be so high up here on Cloud 9, because in the past I've fallen off. But I'm not!
How ever in the midst of this joy, annoying shit still happens.

My friend Scott got his mission call. Orlando, FL, Spanish speaking. I guess he really wasn't kidding about our friendship being over because I had to hear bout his call from my sister who is in his ward. My sister also mentioned that Scott's girlfriend (of a ridiculously dramatic 5 years) wanted to talk to me. I was shocked since she had deleted me as a facebook friend on the same night as Scott.
I thought about it, and then added her, again, as a facebook friend.
Here is the conversation that followed:

GF: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Scott wants to still be your friend, but only if you can respect his views.

ok. so many things wrong with this. ( A) You send your girl friend to be a third party messenger? (B) You are asking me to change something so that you can get what you want? That's not how the world works...

ME: umm... I'm sorry? His views? Like his belief that I chose to be gay?

GF: Yes. Austin, you can't expect others to just accept your views of Homosexuality, and then chose not to respect their views.

ME: Oh, I respect that he has views. But he doesn't really get to have views on what makes me gay, since he himself is NOT gay. I mean who's views are more respectable on the topic of Nuclear Physics? The Nuclear Pysicist? Or the Real Estate Agent's son?

GF: Well I support Scott 100%, so I don't know how we can be friends with your unaccepting attitude.

ME: My unaccepting attitude... GF, do you see that my choices to do what makes me happy hurts NO ONE, while his stuborn, and unproven opinions are extremly hurtful to millions of people?

GF: Austin, I hope you realize you are pushing people away.

ME: Well, actually of all the people that now know the real me, you and scott are the only ones who have chosen to step out of my life.... funny huh...

GF: Goodbye Austin.

ME: yep.

Really? Really? Was I off base? I mean, I have friends that have let me know that they don't support me seeking a marriage with a man. I can be semi-ok with that. I can still talk to those people and love them for who they are. But should I really take back a friend who feels that I would choose to be gay? One that does not want to even hear a glips of one of the biggest parts of my life? One that, I know, in the back of his head is always thinking about how I'm headed straight for hell?

My Newest (not so) Secret.

So I have a suspicion.

Its sort of unfounded.

I think my parents have found my blog and are reading it.
Why do I think this?

• Well I talk to them about the blogging community and have even suggested that they read some of them before I had a blog of my own.
• Four days after posting THIS, my dad pulled me aside. He asked me if I had been upset on that Sunday, and then proceeded to address every issue, as listed in my post.
• I have caught my mother on several occasions reading random people's blogs. Never Gay-Mormon blogs. I know I'm paranoid, but at the top of everyone's blog there is a button that says "next blog" and if she were to be on a Moho blog, and heard me comming into the room, she could easily hit that and end up at a random person's blog.
• My dad knows things about my life that I haven't shared with him, but have with the blog-o-sphere (i.e. my Pride experience.)

So why haven't I just addressed it with them? Well there is a good chance I'm out of line and imagining this all. I don't want to accuse them unjustly, and then plant the idea in my head. I mean frankly I'm so blunt and honest in my blog because I think they don't read it. I don't have to sugar coat anything for them. I can share how I really feel about them. (Although the past couple of weeks its been all positive feelings anyway.)

But if you guys are reading this, I'm actually pretty happy about this. The fact that you would have to go out of your way to find it, and that you are no longer ignoring this part of my life is huge. It would mean that you actually care about me, and not solely what the Church says. I love you mom, and dad, with all my heart. You guys have been excellent parents and have done your very best to raise me. I take responsibility for my actions. My thoughts, ideas and beliefs are my own.

I really want to know though if you are reading this... so I can only think of one way to find out...



I don't think you'll be able to let this go with out some discussion....

Curiosity Almost Killed Me

I hated those sheep! I hated every wooly fiber of their bodies. But my feelings did not stop me from begging to go with my brother, Curtis, to feed those dumb sheep. The late night trip, in the shivering-cold weather, to the pasture was more than frightening to my little seven-year-old-imaginative-mind, but fear slowly vanished at the thought of getting to spend time with my brother. I got a flashlight too, and what fear can stand up to a flashlight?
I had never gone to the pasture at night before and that little plastic flashlight was the only thing that would be able to help me cope with my deathly fear of the dark. It was a window to my imagination, and my source of comfort.
When I got out of the car I knew that I would have to stay in the pasture all by myself with the enemies while Curt went into the barn to get the sheep food. I was terrified. I could see the moon reflecting off of their extremely white coats, but their beauty did not fool me. I knew they had it in for me.
I clung to the flashlight waiting to see what those four sheep might try to do next. Sneak attack? Surround me? Anything was possible, so it was just best to always be on guard. I tried so hard to stay out of their way and pray that they would stay out of mine. I’m not sure what compelled me to do what I did next, but I suspect that curiosity just got the best of me. I spotlighted the sheep with my flashlight.
You would never be able to see them unless you knew where to look, but all up and down my body I have numerous scars. You never know how much damage a hoof can do until sixteen of them run over the top of you and pierce your skin. Luckily I faint pretty easy, so most of the experience I can’t remember, but its what followed that is most important to me. I awoke in the arms of my brother who was crying and screaming at me to wake up. All the pain I felt then disappeared in a sense. Nothing mattered. It took me a second to even figure out why he was crying at all.
Those scars to me do not remind me of pain, or dark memories that accompany some people’s scars. They are permanent reminders to me about the love that my brother had, has, and always will have, for me.

Feel Proud.

This past weekend was Pride here in Phoenix, AZ.

(Yes I know it wasn't in June which is really weird. But its freaking HOT in June here in Phoenix! So rather than commemorating the 6/28/69 Stonewall Riots like typical Prides, we had it the day after the National Day of Silence. Kind of a cute idea I thought; to have like this huge celebration right after a day of protest.)

This was my first Pride, and it was crazy!

I wore a t-shirt and jeans. I was way too dressed up. There was a drag queen in a full ball gown and feather boa, and she was possibly the only person there wearing more clothing than me.

There was a parade that was SUPER long. It started out very slow, but by the end everyone was super excited... and hungry.

The festival itself had many, many, booths set up. Everyone was shopping and and grabbing their share of free merchandise. Condoms were abundant.

Some of the local gay clubs had set up two big dance floors as well. It was as close to Queer As Folk's Babylon as I could imagine.

Was it worth the fifteen bucks? Absolutely. Will I go again? Most likely. Was it everything I expected? No.

Like I've said, yes, there were nearly naked drunk boys running around handing out condoms and dancing quite provocatively. But it wasn't entirely the big party scene I had envisioned. Instead there was something cooler that I saw. There were Gay and Lesbian couples there with their children. It was sort of a family event. Families were eating meals together and playing in the grassy areas. Displaying genuine family values.

I hope that someday that will be me.



By the way.... In conjunction with this post, congrats GQ. Much better job on the May issue.

I'm So Lucky!

I really am.

I have an unbelievable family. It seems that I only whine about the times that they make me want to cry and go away but in actuality they are amazing.

This weekend a friend of mine stayed with me. A gay friend. My parents were very cool about it. I could tell that it was very awkward for them, but they let him stay there and were very gracious hosts. My parents are really trying to understand and accept who I am. I'm so thankful for this. This weekend they actually took a step to support me. They are amazing.

My mom was concerned that my siblings wouldn't be as understanding and supportive, so in an effort to eliminate drama, she suggested that we cancel our standard Sunday-Family-Dinner while my guest was in town. I got really upset without thinking. I just kept imagining Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinner being canceled years down the road when I get married, so that mom could shield the family from my gayness. Never did I think about how my mom was really trying to protect me from my siblings.

So Sunday-Family-Dinner went on as usual. I am so glad that it did. I think it was eye opening for everyone. My friend played with the little ones, helped my sisters out, and joined in conversations. My family's reaction to him was more than I could have hoped for. They were genuinely kind and appreciative of him. They never interrogated him but instead spoke to him as if he was one of the family from the moment that they walked in the door.

I have friends that have been disowned for being gay. I have other friends who's families have sent them to psych wards or treatment centers to stop the gayness. I even have a friend who's own brother has tried to kill him for being gay.
Yet all I tend to focus on are my friends who have amazingly understanding supportive families, and whine about the fact that my family isn't quite there yet. But the fact of the matter is they do love me. They love me so much that they are concerned they won't get to spend the rest of eternity with me. As unfounded as this worry of theirs is, it shows that they really do care about me. That's something huge.

In June I'm moving away to Seattle, WA. I’m not running away. I didn’t wait, move away, and then inform the family of my plans for my future. I’m not moving away to avoid or escape my family. It is time though, for me to get away. I can't live under my parents' roof for ever. I need to be an independent decision maker. School has given me the opportunity to do so. The plan is to do one year at Seattle Central, become a Washington State resident in that year, then transfer to University of Washington. The campus is beautiful, they have a great psychology program, and its about 1,555 miles from my house.

My parents are not excited about this idea. They would like me to live at the house forever and keep me out of trouble. I'm think I'm pretty lucky that they still want me around.

Why???

Today has been one of the most stressful and exciting days of my life.

I'll never forget it.

At moments I was happier than I ever have been.

I experienced a pain I never imagined that I would.

I was accepted.

And rejected.

I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.

I can't keep the smile off of my face.


Is this what it's like to be bi-polar?

Check This Hand Cause I'm Marvelous

TODAY is SUCH a GOOD day!

First of all, I got my taxes paid! I feel like a real American!

I got the biggest Dr. Pepper that Wendy’s could offer!

I mailed off my transcripts!

I was late to every class today (I still got my favorite seat and missed no notes), but was actually early to work!

I’m looking forward to the rest of this week! Forbidden! Pride! Visitors! Yay!


But the best thing of all today….
I've always debated telling my dad's side of the family that I'm a fag. I mean I'm out, and not staying in the closet for anyone, but I just don't feel like telling them. If they hear rumors, I'll be honest with them.
Let me explain though. My father's side of the family is a little behind the times. Many of my cousins' trucks are adorned with the Confederate Flag and "gun control" might as well be a swear word. Not to mention, they are Mormon. Red neck and white trash are how they refer to themselves. I prefer to think of them as just closed-minded.
Well today my favorite cousin in the whole world gave me a call. I've been kind of ignoring her because I know that she has been very curious about why I'm not on a mission right now. Her and I have never kept any secrets from one another.... except my big one of course.
Today I called her back though.
We talked a lot about how I'm moving out of state in June. This lead her to ask how I was handling things with my family. She has seen how my family can be when people stray from "the straight and narrow". In order to explain everything I had to tell her.
First I made her promise to never tell any one what I was about to say. I got very dramatic about it. She promised of course and then I said it.
"Mellisa, I'm gay."
The line was silent for a few seconds and then she said,
"Austin, What if I were to say, 'no shit Sherlock'?"
I was able to exhale. She just laughed a little and then continued to say, "well you’re pretty cute so you'll do well out there."
We got a bit more serious after that and I explained why I didn't want to tell the rest of that side of the family. She, surprisingly, totally understood. She told me that no one needed to know. I didn't have to tell any one. I'm still Austin, the kid they all love so nothing really changes.
She told me multiple times that she is so proud of me she is and how brave I am to deal with something like this, especially in our family.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear from a family member.
I'm so ecstatic I cannot stop smiling!

Oh and Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” has played every single time I’ve gotten in the car. (That's were the title of this post comes from btw. I've got all the lyrics down now ;) Could it be any better?

Paper Cuts

My heart is racing. I hate all of this shit.
(I don’t expect anyone to read this long, vague at times, bitchy rant)

My sister: About 2 1/2 weeks ago I came home from my trip to find a letter in my room from my sister. I love her. She is about 12 years older than me. I have never been in a fight with her and have always admired her ability to keep calm in stressful situations. She's an analytical person and about the only one in my family that ISN'T outspoken. Which is why the letter came as such a shock.
I know that the letter was written out of love and came straight from her heart, but that is probably what makes it more painful. She told me she thinks there is a girl preparing herself for me and that I needed to move past the gay "struggles and trials" to prepare for this potential-wife. She also suggested that I spend the next two years on a "personal mission,” living within the Church's guidelines, to find out how I really feel about the Church and my sexuality. What does she think I was doing from the age 13 till I was 17?
I used the next week to pray about what to write back. I feel like I was able to convey how I feel and what I believe accurately and respectfully. I gave her my letter last Sunday. I still am waiting to see if she will reply at all.
She mentioned that the family could not support, understand, or be happy for the plans I have for my life. I'm disappointed that they can't support me or understand. More than that, I am hurt that they can’t be happy for me deciding to do what will make me truly happy. I have loved, supported, accepted, and been happy for them, their marriages and their families. I would like the same in return, but I don’t need it.
This has been a monumental shift in my thought process.

My best friend: Scott and I met my seventh grade year. We had to write biographies about one another in our English class. We hated each other. But by the time that the eighth grade rolled around we became inseparable. We both became racquetball posers and the biggest band geeks known to man. He became another child to my parents, brother to my siblings and attended numerous family functions. We have gone on road trips and spent weeks living at each others houses.
I mentioned here that I told Scott only recently that I'm a fag. He asked for 2 weeks to think things through. I was still on vacation when that two weeks ended. He texted me and told me that we needed to talk in person, so when I go home we set up a time when we could chill. He said that to make our friendship last I would need to never discuss the gay aspects of my life with him again. He went on to tell me that he was positive that being gay was a mindset I had created and chosen to be. I was near tears.
I looked at him and told him that I loved him as much as my own brother, but he couldn't say that being gay is a choice because he wasn't gay himself. He got really frustrated and told me what "God" thought of me and my decisions and then dropped me off with a, "I'm sorry it had to end like this."
He liked me better before he knew the real me.

JiM: I can’t really get into all of this, but in essence I can’t talk to my “Journey into Manhood brothers” anymore. I’m partially to blame for this rejection, but it didn’t justify the humiliation and embarrassment that director of JiM has put me through. I know I’m being vague. Sorry.

The ex: I got a 9 page letter from an ex-boyfriend of mine last week. The first two-thirds of the letter were an explanation of the negative feelings that he experienced during our relationship, when I broke up with him, and since then. He pointed out several areas that he feels that I have changed and “become a completely different person.”
The last third of the letter was spent telling about how he screwed me over and somehow he STILL managed to make me feel like it was my fault. I never want to see him again. My friends think this is the smart thing to do. Even with that kinda distance will he still be able to make me feel like shit?

My parents: Okay this is going to sound totally morbid and weird.
My parents got us all together tonight after family dinner tonight to discuss their Living Wills, Power of Attorneys, Family Trust, ect. They are perfectly healthy, but realize that they are getting older. They just wanted us all to know our roles.
First they discussed the Living Wills. My brother and oldest sister got put in charge of that. Cool. I’m not the decision maker on pulling the plug. I’m fine with that.
Then they discuss the Will. My other two sisters will be the financial distributers. Awesome, I’m not going to have responsibility over passing out the money and selling the house.
I’m the only child not in charge of anything. I can over look that. Who wants those duties anyway?
Then they discuss the Family Trust. I am the only child that cannot access any of the family money. That is till I am 30. If my parents were to die tonight, I would have no where to live. No money. No juvenile-provisions established. I immediately got anxious and privately went to talk to my parents about this. They got frustrated out of no where and told me that I was an adult now, going off to school out of state.
Yeah I’ll be out of state soon. We’ll see if I can afford to fly down for your funerals if I need to.

Bread Maker

I can still smell the fresh bread and feel the cold air rushing through the kitchen window and into our small house. It was always whole-wheat. I hate whole-wheat. But I loved the bread. I think that it might have been the fact that I knew that it was made out of love for me that made the starchy taste of red whole-wheat melt away. But it isn’t about the bread; it’s about the woman who made it.
I can still see the little 5’6’’ woman standing at the long kitchen counter humming a song (more than likely a church hymn) under her breath as she measures out some ingredient and adds it to the mix. Her smile would widen as I entered the kitchen in my footy pajamas and she would greet me with a, “Good morning handsome. How did you sleep?” I think that she truly cared and sincerely wanted to know if I had slept well or not. But that’s just who she is; a caring person.
My mother has a heart of gold. She has raised five kids all of whom will admit to being problem children. Under her watch the oldest four have stayed out of jail, contributed to society and all found spouses who have mellowed them out a bit. After the oldest four left the nest she became the on-call-24-7-nurse for her mother, and at the same time balanced her family and running a business out of the home. She taught me all about service and what it means to be a true friend. If I am guilty of not being a good person, it is my own fault, she is not the one to blame.
As a child my father worked a lot and it was my mother that raised me. Her strong will, charisma and stubbornness have become embedded in my character. Because of our similar dispositions we often find ourselves frustrated and discontent with the other over the smallest of disagreements.
She has struggled a lot over the past few months. Her dreams of me growing up, going on a mission and marring a beautiful girl in the temple have all been discarded. I get so easily frustrated that she won't give me the support that I need right now. I feel like she will come around.
In the current busyness of lives and the bad attitude that I so often have there aren’t many mornings like the ones of my youth. She no longer has the role of the playmaker in my life which is frustrating to her, but I will always be grateful for those early years. It was then that I learned who she was and what kind of a person I want to be. There will never be a time that I walk into a kitchen and I cannot still taste the bread or hear her say, “Good morning handsome. How did you sleep?”

Dear Elder Oaks,

The fact that the Church does not meet my needs, and that I realize that, does not make me self-centered. Why won't the Church just look at and address why it can't meet the needs of thousands of other men like me? Thanks

False Doctrine!

There is something magical that happens. It is a huge highlight for me. I even try to predict the day that it will occur. And it happens EVERY month.

No, I’m not talking about that creepy feminine phenomenon.

It is called GQ

I love getting mail, e-mail, comments, texts ect. because I feel like someone was thinking of me… Even if it is just my college reminding me to return a book to the library. ( I really do need to remember to return that.)

Specifically I love getting GQ though. It makes me super excited to go the gym that night. My rule is that first I have to get a good, hard run in... and then, I let myself just get on the elliptical while I read the new issue! Kind of a dorky way to do it, I guess, but hey, it's better than just sitting around and reading it, right?

I happened to be out of town on the day that the April issue hit the stands and my mail box. So as I walked thru a book store on my trip and saw this cover of GQ I nearly cried.

Beautiful, funny, smart, talented people have all graced the cover of GQ, and now there is this guy. A joke right? nope! He is really on there.

I know that not all of you back me on this. D. has even said that, “Everyone hated [the movie version of Twilight] but I think its because they are jealous of Edward! ;)”
Let me be clear. I am TOTALLY jealous of Edward. I am REVOLTED by Rob Pattinson.

My beautiful, color schemed, scriptures have been tainted.

Andy...

I haven’t stopped thinking about what he asked me yesterday. How do you know if God is blessing your life or if its coincidence? Is there even such a thing as coincidence? I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but as I tried to reply I realized how lost I was on this topic.

I proposed a few ideas such as praying or trying to feel the Spirit testify of God’s influence in such actions, but it didn’t feel like what I was saying was the WHOLE answer. Plus there is the whole idea of, “do things just happen, for no good reason”?

So we moved on that night and talked about other things, but I began to analyze the ensuing events of the night. Its amazing how many times I had to ask myself if some little thing had been said or done as coincidence, or if God had inspired that thing to be said or done. Were we a coincidence? Was what we were doing a coincidence? Or was that night just one big blessing?

I decided to look in a few places to see if anyone, with more authority on the subject, had anything to say on the topic. A simple Google search helped me to find what a modern day philosopher said. “Some may count experiences simply as a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. I repeat again, the Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.”

I took it a step further and searched for the word “coincidence” in the scriptures. Not one time in The Holy Bible does the word ever appear.

All this on top of personal experiences, I believe that there are no coincidences. That God does exist and love us. Sometimes He allows bad things to happen so that we can grow, become better people, and help others along the way. These trials may seem more than we can handle, “but God is faithful... [and will] make a way to escape, that [we] may be able to bear it” (1 Cor. 10:13). He provides us with blessings and tender mercies. These are his gifts to us so that this insanely chaotic life can be a bit easier; that we may bear our trials.

The Stupid Kid

The other day I was catching up on the blogs and I found an interesting statement.

"I am not one of those stupid kids who decide that since he is gay every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed. I am not the kid who attempts to get back at the church by breaking of the morals it preaches."

My first thought was, "Well hell, I'm not that kid either!" But before I could even finish that thought I realized, I was.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't decide that "every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed", but I was frustrated with the church.

Never did I assume that I could "get back at" the church.
Never did I want to hurt the church.
Never was I angry with God.


However, subconsciously I think I did feel this way:
The Church couldn't give me what I wanted, so I chose to not give them what they wanted of me.
How childish is that?
Super childish.

I realize that now. Heavy drinking and random sex are not going frustrate the church. In fact, doing those things just perpetuates the gay-stereotype.

About six weeks ago I got my eyes opened. I decided to change. I reassessed.

I don't ever want to drink again. Well, a part of me does, but the rational, in control part of me says no more.
I'm done with random hook ups too. I want commitment and real emotions involved; not a horny expression.
Yes, me and The Church disagree on some things, but the fact of the matter is that my beliefs still come from the gospel of Christ that I learned about in that church. Its not about me giving the church what they want or not. Its about doing what I feel is right and maintaining a relationship with God and my Savior.

Look Familiar?

"Your homework for next time is to make another list. I'm sure there's lots more you could add. I'll give you two days. Don't believe me? Just watch."

If I loose the few people that read my blog because of this repetitious post Alan, I'm coming after you. However, I'm scared of your threat so I'll go ahead and do it. You should make my homework more original though :)

Anonymous (who ever you may be) has helped me to get a good start:

• I'm more mature than most my age
• I have ability to see through people's inadequacies and love others, regardless
• I'm not just a pretty face

• I have an appreciation for music
• I have a decent voice
• I have years of musical education
• I'm a cuddler, like big teddy bear
• I'm not a bear
• I can be spontaneous and take big risks
• I try new things
• I can dance well enough to get positive attention.
• My quads are rock hard
  
• I have a testimony
• I have a sense of humor
• I can also be serious
• I'm extroverted
• I'm loved and liked by my nieces and nephews
• I'm a total romantic
• I can speak fluent Pig Latin

I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel at this point.

• I can attract girls ( I think that goes back to the fact that I understand them)
• I'm Britney Spears biggest/least crazy/non obsessive fan
• I'm pretty good with remembering names
• I have a good waist size and weight... which I will never allow to change.

Ok that is SERIOUSLY all I got.
Yesterday my mom came home from work to (out of no where) ask if I was depressed or suicidal. We talked for a while... It wasn't good or bad.
Last night was.. interesting. The Forbidden scene is getting tiring.
I haven't gotten out of this slump...

The Good in Me.

Okay Alan, here's my list.... I feel like you gave me a homework assignment as my therapist :)
Things I like about myself....

• I am lean
• I'm just the right height
• I understand how basic fashion works
• When I apply myself, I really am quite smart
• I enjoy learning
• I'm pretty well rounded culturally (entertainment, food, social circles)
• I make friends easily
• I'm fairly strong
• I try to sympathize/empathize with others
• I can go after what I want/ I'm not a push over
• I'm not a flamer or a super fem
• I'm an independent thinker
• I will humbly except advice from others when feel it is requisite to do so
• I'm a good kisser
• I understand women better than most women
• I will support my friends in public, even when they are wrong

That's all I got.
I'm not sure if today could have been worse.
Letter from a sister. Letter from director of JiM.
Never really considered suicide till today...

Teary Twink

I'm an emotional boy. That seems to be the theme of the day.

1- I'm emotionally attracted to men in an emotional way first. I dislike porn strongly and rarely will comment on random boys appearances. It's the emotional pull that really draws me into a boy. I still am shallow, but looks come second in my attraction to a man.

2- I get emotional over the thought of not being accepted. Specifically by my family. I went to a wedding tonight and tears came out of no where. I kept having the reoccurring thought of, "who will come to my wedding?" Which was IMMEDIATELY answered by "not your family..."
Even if it is 5 years off, they have already promised me that they would never support such an "abomination in the sight of God. [Their] son's wedding, or not."

3- I have felt totally inadequate lately. I'll never be good enough for a Mormon boy. I'm not hot enough. I'm that trick that guys are publicly ashamed of. I know this is all very whiny, but these are the thoughts that I can't escape, or vocalize, that lead me to sob in the shower.

I try to compose myself and put on a strong face. I mean who really wants a teary twink without confidence? I want to prove my family/friends/church wrong and find happiness even though I'm queer. I'm trying to be a positive guy (although this and the past couple posts may not express that) and hope that one day this will all change. At the same time, my realistic side kicks in and tells me that unless something else changes, I will be in this emotional, repetitive, rut forever. Where do I turn?

Miss Me...

I miss my sisters.
When my family found out that I was gay, and I was put into change therapy, my sisters felt as if it was their fault that I turned out this way. It hurt me to watch as their guilt began to consume them and push them away from me.
Things have never really been the same. We used to never go a day without talking to one another, but I think the last time I talked to my any of my sisters was last Sunday. Shopping trips, random lunches, movie nights, and their need for me to be present in their life has become nonexistent.
Some of this is too be expected. After all, we all grow up and go our different ways right? Then why am I the only one that has to find a different way?
I wonder if they miss me.

Girls: Their Guys and Their Gay

Captain Midnight, they prefer to be known as fruit flies :) They say that there is one girl out there to be the soul mate of a gay man; I have three. And they all are best friends. This can be hell.
Paige, Brittanylynn, and Katy, I love you.

So last night Paige was having a get together at her house (kind of an apology for ignoring all of her friends since she got engaged). I didn't plan on going since I had a date-ish thing going on later that night, but Blynn made me feel like a terrible friend so I dropped by for a bit.
When I got there I realized instantly that I was a 9th wheel. There were four couples and Jim.

Here is the real point of this post.

I got super jealous. I didn't want Paige or Blynn in a romantic way, but I did want them all to myself. So this jealousy put me in a depression. Then I realized how terrible of a person I was for being sad that they were happy, which caused me to be even more depressed, and this cycle just kept continuing until I wanted to curl up and cry.
Paige could tell something was wrong and so I told her how I was feeling. She gave me a big hug and said, "Babe, you'll always be my gay." Great.
Brittanylynn and I dated a while back. Although she is fully aware that I am soley attracted to guys, she's made it clear that she still has romantic feelings for me. So in my fit of depression, I had the urge to pull her in and kiss her. I knew that she would recipricate. I didn't want to KISS her. I wanted to... remind her that I exist? What is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?
This is the reason that I'm not getting married to a girl!!! Will I just get so lonely that I'd resort to marrying a girl, not because I am romanticly interested, but because I'm jealous? I wouldn't do that right?
.... Boy, mom would love it if I did though.

I don't want to be selfish and hurt a woman (and possibly even children). That's why I stoped going to therapy. Last night I was strong enough to fight off the stupid moment of rashness, so I'll be strong enough to wait for Mr. Right too.

I'm Like Julie Andrews

These are just a few of my favorite things... I feel like I need an upbeat post!

1. Hikes.
2. Disneyland.
3. New clothes.
4. Jamba Juice.
5. Trying new things :)
6. When a cute boy gives me "the nod".
7. A good book on a rainy day.
8. Christmas morning.
9. Thanksgiving afternoon.
10. Halloween night.
11. Whip cream and chocolate :)
12. Coloring books and coloring pencils.
13. General Conference.
14. Wearing a tux.
15. Ridding a horse at a full lope.
16. When my sisters spoil me.
17. Going to the theater for a play/symphony.
18. Star gazing.
19. The fact that I finally own my own car!
20. Expensive desserts.
    
21. Spending the day at the beach body boarding.
22. Getting to accessorize.
23. When a primary child understands the gospel better than the men who run the church.
24. An Arizona rain storm.
25. Being tall, without being a giant.
26. Mac products... and commercials... and stores.
27. Standing alone on a stage in an empty auditorium.
28. When my nieces and nephews get excited and tell me that they love me.
29. Holding someone.
30. Being held by a guy I like.
31. Having money in my bank accounts.
32. Sweating profusely when I finish a good run.
33. Sleeping naked... not being alone :)
34. The Office
35. That my nipple is pierced and less than 10 people know.
    
36. That Arizona doesn't have day light savings time.
37. Spending ridiculous amounts of time in my room watching episode after episode of Queer as Folk.
38. Walking with some one hand in hand.
39. Salsa and chips. Well really just Mexican food in general.
40. Believing Christ.
41. That I'm coming out (although too slowly for my taste). No more hiding!
42. I sound of a clear and steady, low range, tenor.
43. Most of the shows on Bravo!
44. That I'm blond and so shaving is really not that big of a hassle.
45. Pictures in black and white.
46. Hearing other people's stories.
47. Puedo hablar poco español.
48. GQ magazine
49. Showering :)
50. When I let myself be uninhibited.

Let ME Tell People About My Forbidden... Lust?

I'm so sick of other people taking it upon themselves to out me! Don't get me wrong, I don't usually enjoy having that awkward discussion with people one-on-one, especially people that are members of the church, but don't I at least have the right to?

My first boy and I were together for 6 months. Then we went another 5 months after we broke up trying to forget that we were gay. But at the end of May, he realized that you can't forget about your sexual orientation. He came out in a very public way. It's a scary and thing to come out alone, so that's probably why he felt the need to out me as well.
He's the reason that my parents know. That my friends I graduated with know. That my sisters know. That my old co-workers know. That some of my high school teachers know. That all my ex-girlfriends know. Even random people in Hurricane, Utah know!
I've harbored a lot of resentment toward him, and to be honest I probably still do have some, but now I feel like I have understanding for why he did it.

The thing that got me thru that time was change therapy. As long as people knew I was in change therapy, I wasn't a heathen. I could stop rumors dead in their tracks by telling people that I wouldn't always be gay. I even started to believe that myself. Change would happen if I worked and prayed hard.
It didn't turn out that way.
So now I get the opportunity to come out all over again, in a different way, on my terms.

Over the past several weeks I've eased my brother, father, and mother into the reality that I will never be happy with a woman, or alone. The idea that the love of my life will be a man.
I also have talked to two of my three sisters. Everyone has shocked me with their responses.

• My brother who I thought i was making progress with, has snapped on several occasions to "express his love for me" in a form that felt very similar to being judged.
  
• My sisters who have always directed my life, are actually being understanding and giving me the space I need to make my own decisions.
• My father, the bishop, I expected to have a really hard time. I was ready for him to put up a fight every step of the way. He has simply told me, that he will never turn his back on me; that my happiness in this life is crucial. He has expressed some concerns and fears that he has, but over all he has turned out to be a huge support. Thanks Dad.
• My mother I really thought would be my crutch during this whole coming out experience. Instead she has become a huge road block. I love my mother so much, but she is pushing me so far away. With each conversation I feel more pain and hurt. I feel second-rate. I feel unwelcome. She can't accept my decision. When will it not be up for debate anymore?

After a rather aggressive conversation yesterday with my mother, my sister, the one I haven't completely come out to came over. Mom was composed, so I thought that it would be a good time for me to go to my room and get ready for going out. I've been hesitant to tell this sister because she is by far the closest to me and the most outspoken. Her love for me has always been displayed by giving advice and telling me how life is.
I went down stairs and saw this sister crying and walking out the front door. I knew what had happened. I couldn't even be the person to tell my whole damn family.

The night just got progressively worse as I came out to my best guy friend (who lives about 20 miles away from the gossip-ville that I live in) and he took it pretty rough. He had no questions. No emotions. No input. All he ased was that I give him a coupple of weeks to process all of this.

So where does a down trodden gay go to relax? Dinner and dancing, duh. :)
I feed into the stereotypes and headed to beautiful downtown Scottsdale. RA was the first stop, to get some really good sushi (that is too expensive), then headed over to Club Forbidden. I know that I won't ever find the man of my dreams in the club, but its always fun to scope out the cuties, the interesting, and the socially retarded :) I danced all night, but hopefully next time I'll allow myself to dance with more than the same three guys... I know that it is totally a lust filled enviroment, but I figure dancing is probabbly a healthier way to express lust than porn or even having random/rampant sexual encounters.
Here's to a better weekend! Cheers (as my favorite forbidden bartender, Brian, says. Pictured below :)!

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

 (Explicit) I'm really young. Some people still call me "kid", "bud" or even "boy". I just graduated from High School in May of '08 and in just over half a year I will only be 20. I still live at home with my parents (although I'm not financially dependent on them). I make paper chains to count day the days to events I'm really excited about. I still go to the zoo at least twice a year to look at the cute animals. I ask for stickers at my doctor's office for being a brave boy and getting my shots with out crying.

Sometimes youth isn't enough.

I had my first sexual experience when I was only 17. I didn't feel young then. Skinny dipping lead to watching porn and jerking off in front of each other. We promised each other that we were straight, but we both were staring right at each other, rather than the girls on the computer screen. Within the next few weeks we went from watching each other, to touching each other. Then sucking. Then fucking. 

You can't get your virginity back.

I'm not sure whether I would change things or not if I could. There are a lot of pros and cons to both sides. I wish that I could be a novice along with my husband on our wedding night, and go thru all the nervous, experimental, how-the-hell-do-they-make-this-look-so-easy-in-porn, stages of intimacy. 

I have had sex with other guys since then, and I'm not really sure what my stance on abstinence is right now. I mostly feel like I've failed thus far, why change now. I've had boyfriends that didn't want to have sex and I was fine with that too (sometimes even glad they wanted to wait too). I can survive with out it, I just don't enjoy having to :)

How Soft Is My Foundation

When I was 13 and realized I was gay, I started doubting the church. This questioning phase only lasted about a few months and ended when I convinced myself that I was not gay, but just overly horny. 

At the age of 15 I couldn't deny my sexuality anymore. My testimony had grown over the years, but wasn't strong enough to out way the fear that the church brings to that repentance process. At that point, porn and masturbation were the extent of my sexual exploration. I got into a nightly routine of reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and then jacking off. I felt like there was a balance there. 

There were a couple of experiences that my Heavenly Father put in my path in the following years that, for me, were undeniable evidence of his existence, and his love for me. 

Here is where my confusion comes in. 

I believe that the LDS church is the most correct on the earth. I cannot deny the basic doctrines of the church. The First Vision, the Atonement of Christ, The Book of Mormon - all true.

As for the higher principles and practices of the church; I struggle with them. 

Obviously my largest issue is with the church is their stance on homosexuality.  

Here is my hope. The Church's views change over time. More importantly than that, sometimes when I ask what God would think, it's a different answer than when I ask what the Church would think. I have faith that the Church, being true, will change its views once more. The sooner, the better. Maybe this time the Church will be tolerant before the world has to pressure them into it.

Launch Party!?

My brother asked me today. "So, when are you going public?"

I thought that I would need to protect my family by easing them into all of this. Now one of them is saying that he's all ready for me to come out 100%. They never cease to surprise me.

Later this evening I went to a friends wedding reception. 

A) She was the most BEAUTIFUL bride I have ever seen. I almost though I should have asked to marry her first, and then I remembered that would mean I'd have to have sex with her :/

B) The set up was amazing and made me excited about the prospect of my future wedding. (But then I remembered that I'd need a boy for that)

C) I could have just sat down at the dessert table and ate everything there. Chocolate dipped strawberries + gourmet cup cakes = True Love

I don't think that my family will ever be supportive enough to throw me a FULL fledged wedding like my sisters and brother got. In fact, I doubt whether or not my family will even come. I SERIOUSLY doubt that my siblings will bring their children. 

I hope they continue to surprise me.

Come Out!

I did it. I came out to my parents tonight. Sorta.

I should explain. My family already knew I was gay, they just didn't know that I plan on staying gay. They had really high hopes that I would get "fixed" and move on with life. They're acceptance of me was actually of the person they hoped I would be one day. All I needed was to know that they still love and accept me as I am (and forever will be), a gay mormon, a queer son, a faggot brother. 

I had planed on having this talk with them in about a month, when I get back from my trip to Washington, but things played out differently. My parents were getting ready to go on a date, and I felt an overwhelming push from the spirit to have this talk with my mom then and there.

I just started crying and asked her if she would love me even if I ended up marring a boy. She totally lost composure and started crying and telling me that she just wanted us to be together in the Celestial Kingdom. My dad walked in at about this point and took control. 

I whole-heartedly love my father. That's not common from what I see of the gay community. I honestly love him though. He said some beautiful things to me. He told me that he wanted me to he happy, successful, and loved in this life. He also wanted me to know that he would never turn his back on me. There were other concerns that arose and we had to sort those out, but over all it went well. They are afraid that I'm too young, or that I've rushed into this decision, but they don't realize that I've had 19 years to obsess over every possible question associated with this. it may take a while for this decision to settle in with them, but its a huge relief to just have it out on the table :) I like being authentic.

Who I Am

My name is Jim. Well, not really. I'll use this as my pseudo name for a while though. Its not that I'm not ashamed of being gay; not anymore. The fake name is really just to protect my family, but once I'm fully out to all of them (hopefully by the end of March :) I'll be totally genuine and authentic on this blog. 

I've been out of the closet for about 9 months, and although the prospect of being gay never made me sad, the idea of not being a "normal" Mormon hurt me deeply. 

I was told that I wouldn't be able to serve a mission even though I knew the church was true, because I was a risk to the church. I was also told that I am unnatural because of the way I love.  These things have brought more pain into my life than any aspect of the gay lifestyle.

My dad, who was my bishop at the time, set me up with a "change" therapy counselor. I thought that I was going to become straight. I got really excited that one day I would actually WANT to have sex with a girl. I would get to marry in the temple, have children, have a 9 to 5  job and be normal. 

It was a huge let down and a waste of thousands of dollars. But now that part of life is behind me and I get to be happy. 

I'm still gay. I'm ok with that. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I have a testimony of it. Maybe that is contradictory, but I don't feel like it is. I feel like my father in heaven loves me still. I know that Christ understands where I'm coming from has compassion for me. I trust in him. Everything is going to be alright. I accept myself for who I am.