Sacrament Studies

I have gone to church for the last six weeks in a row... well, only sacrament meeting. That still counts for something right?

This resurrected habit of mine has shocked some people and I've been bombarded by people asking, "Why do you still want to go to church?"

I know right? It seems odd. I am not exactly the epitome of Peter Priesthood, and yet I still like going to church in an LDS chapel.

So why is this?

• I do it for me.
• I do it for Father in Heaven.
• I've come to need that one hour in the week, dedicated to God, to recenter my life.
• It's a good time to step out of the world and really listen for answers to my prayers.
• It reminds me that I'm doing the right thing: the Spirit that I feel in that building, is the same Spirit I feel when I rest my head on Todd's chest.

The other question I get a lot is, "But why in the LDS Church? There are lots of Christian churches out there."
That's true.
There are three main reasons I still choose the LDS chapels over others though.
1) I still believe that the Mormons have the fullness of Christ's Gospel. Whether they preach or practice it is a topic for another post.
2) The only time that I have actually heard the voice of God speak to me was in an LDS chapel.
3) It's familiar. This is the Church that I was raised with. I know this is a weak reason, but I am the way I am today because of the Church for one reason or another. Honestly, I like the way I turned out.

For all you worried priesthood leaders reading, you can rest your mind to know that I don't take the sacrament. It's not a matter of me feeling worthy or not. I am worthy in the sight of God, but I'm not living the way the Church deems "worthy" to take the sacrament. So out of respect to the organization I don't partake of the bread and water.

Maybe I'm crazy, and really I'm doing more harm than good by attending a church that vows to never except my love as legitimate or real.
This may be a long term study...

Weekend Report

Real quick! I've gotten a few more questions since my last two posts. I'm not going to continue posting answers, but if any of you have questions that you want answered feel free to send an email! wak767@me.com
Thanks for your continued support and love.

So this week has be crazy! I kept trying to get registered for school because time was running out, but the system kept shutting me out. Days later, after LOTS of phone calls and a visit to the school I am officially registered! I'm excited for school because this is the first semester that my classes are specific to my major's focus. I get to take classes that I'm interested in and will help me down the road... I'm still trying to figure out how calculus will help me be a better psychologist.

Then I had car issues. The check-engine-light light came on about 2 months ago, but the car was working fine, so I did the irresponsible thing and ignored it. The problem now is that I need to re-register my car, and to do that I need to have it pass Emissions Testing, and to do that the check-engine-light has to be off. So I took my car to the mechanic, hoping that the repair would be cheap and quick. Are they ever cheap or quick?
It turns out my transmission (which every one that day called "your tranny". tee hee...) is busted.
Do you know how expensive that is? It would be more lucrative to just sell it for parts and buy a new car.
But wait! That's not all. Yesterday morning at work, a customer backed his truck up into my car destroying a door and denting a quarter panel. Actually, it turned out to be a pretty funny story, and no one was hurt. He has insurance, so it was the best-possible bad-situation.

On another note: I've said it again and again, but I know that my family (and others) are reading this blog and I wish they wouldn't. However, some good came of it this week. I mentioned last week that my brother and I haven't hung out since I came out. Well, that's changed! Yesterday he took me out to lunch on his dime. We had a real and genuine conversation. He wanted to know what was going on in my life and learn more about Todd. It was great to remember how close we used to be. He thought so too, apparently, because I got an email last night from him saying, "It was fun talking to you today." It was just a simple message, but had a profound effect on me.

Sorry this came out like a journal entry... I just had to get it all out.
Expect a good post soon.

The Answers - Part 2

Continued...

Q: I was wondering if you've ever had a patriarchal blessing? If so, what were your feelings about it? Did you know you were gay when you received it? Did it have a significant impact on your feelings toward the Church?
A: I do have a patriarchal blessing. I got it the February after my first boy and I broke up. My dad was my bishop and so, out of fear, I decided to repent on my own. I developed a really good relationship with my Heavenly Father during that time, but I still was so confused about so many things. I felt like if I ever needed guidance, it was then. Did I lie to get my recommend? Yes. Did I feel worthy? Not really. I felt like God had answers for me, and so with his approval burning in my chest, I set up the appointment.
I got many answers to many of the questions that I had. There was nothing in there to address the issue of my sexuality. I dissected it to see if there was any little clause that had a hidden meeting. Nothing. Due to the sacredness of that document, I won't get too detailed.
The Church says that I should stay celibate and if that was God's will, then why wasn't that put in my blessing?
The lesson I learned from getting that blessing is that God is in charge, but the people who interpret his will are only men. Men frequently misinterpret and can only reveal what they are prepared to reveal. Their life experiences, and personal beliefs inhibit them all the the time.
I hope that made sense.

Q: What aspect of being gay do you find the most challenging and how do you deal with it?
A: **EXPLICIT** When you say the word 'gay' there is an image that comes to mind. For me, it's a black and white scene of two men holding hands and walking on the beach. Unfortunately this is not the same vision that most people in this world see. More than likely they imagine a flamer in a mesh top, leather pants, and singing Cher songs at the top of his lungs while getting fucked in the ass.
So what is the biggest challenge for me? When I tell people that I'm gay, I feel like I have to convince them that their image isn't accurate. I'm still the person I've always been.

Q: I was curious as to how your family has responded to 1) your being gay and 2) your relationship (not their opinion about Todd specifically, but rather the fact that you're in a serious gay relationship).
1) Wow! That's a loaded question. My blog tracks a lot of their reactions to my homosexuality. They would like to think that they haven't treated me any different than before I came out. Unfortunately, they have.
My sisters are so worried that they might do anything to "further my gayness" (i.e. they don't encourage anything that might be perceived as effeminate).
When I was in change therapy my brother was my best friend. We did everything together. His home was my second home. Do you know how long its been since he invited me to do anything with him outside of work? Give you a hint: it corresponds with the time I came out.
My mother still struggles... but I know that she loves me still... she's really trying to work this all out.
My hero has been my father. He wants me to be happy. He may not agree with my choice to come out, but he loves me forever. If anything, our relationship has become even more solid than before.
2) It's been difficult to show them that IT IS a SERIOUS relationship. Todd comes to family dinner with me every week and I think they've started to realize that he's not going away. A few weeks ago he told me that he doesn't feel like a visitor anymore, but rather another member of the clan. They have treated him kindly from the first time they met him. I am still worried about how they will respond when my relationship becomes more serious.

Q: What's the biggest challenge to keeping your relationship fresh with Todd and how do you manage it?
A: Well, Todd and I have been together for less than a year, so luckily there hasn't been too much need to freshen up our relationship. As true, cheesy romantics we know how to woo each other. Taking the initiative to make special plans (simple or extravagant) for the other person, has proven to be a good way to show how we feel about the other.
I'm sure the day will come that we will be in need of freshening up, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to offer them.

Q: How did you and Todd meet?
A: Long story... So I'll summarize it.
Todd and I are the only people in AZ that Mark knows, so he set us up. We became Facebook Friends and got to talking a lot. Finally I got him to ask me on a date, but it was going to be two weeks before we had time to get together. So we continued to talk for another week.
The Sunday before our scheduled date I got brave and told him that I'd rather not wait another 6 days to see him. He told me he felt the same.
So I made the hour long drive to his place, and brought him my special homemade cheesecake. We watched Arrested Development. He swears it was only the cheesecake that won him over. I like to think I had SOMETHING to do with it though.
By the time our scheduled first date rolled around, we had been on six other dates.
The rest is history.

Q: I want to know about you and Todd. I want to know how you make your relationship work and what makes it hard and what makes it great.
A: Hahaha, how does any relationship work? I think the first thing that we had to do was realize that "Love" is work. "Bliss" is a feeling and an emotion. However, the real love is seen when we are willing to put the other person's needs at the top of our priority list. The second thing is to keep communicating and discussing our feelings, thoughts, and concerns.
What makes it hard? .... Politics. :) We don't have all the same beliefs or ideals...
But what makes it great? ... The fact that we can work through those things. We can stay open-minded and respect our differences. We focus on the big things and can move past and grow from the little things.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It means a lot to know that ANYONE is reading this blog. I had fun answering them all!

The Answers - Part 1

Thank you all for your tremendous help!

I really enjoyed your questions because they gave me some time for introspection. Unfortunately, I'm late in posting your answers, and still I couldn't manage to fit them all into this one post.
This is Part 1.
Part 2 will be posted in a couple of days.
I also need to preface that some of you may find that my honesty may be a bit too explicit for your tastes. I've tried to mark those answers the best I could. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.
I hope you enjoy!


Q: What are your plans for the future? Are you in school? What is your dream job?
A: My general plans for the future haven't really changed much considering my "sexual-orientation-crisis". I still want a good job, get married, start a family of my own, and return to live with my Father in Heaven. My motto has become "Progression"; be a better person today than I was yesterday.
School... dang I need to still register... I keep forgetting. I will have my associates at the end of this fall semester. The plan to finish my undergraduate is still in the air for now, but I'll figure that out soon. I would like to get my graduate degree from University of Washington in clinical psychology. Which leads to my dream job of being a psychologist with a focus in sexual abuse victims.
Now check back in in 5 years and lets see how close I came to these goals.

Q: Which is better looking your left eye brow or your right?
A: My right eye brow! For sure. Some may say that I'm bias because I'm right-handed, but I swear that it just photographs better than my left. Plus, when its time to wax, my right brow hurts less. It's like it wants to be good looking, so it loosens it follicles, and just gives away the wild and straggly hairs.

Q: I want to know if you taking steps to keep your prostate healthy. Too many old men are dying of prostate cancer and we know from long term studies that there's something young men can do to reduce their risk in later life. You do know what this is, don't you?
A: **EXPLICIT** Yes, I do know what this is. I assure you that I am taking these cautionary steps; as tedious as they may be. I am putting a LOT of hard work into it, very frequently. Todd checks often for me.
Health first you know ;)

Q:When did you know - I mean really know - that you are gay? Was there some experience or epiphany that cemented this fact into your mind? Oh, and what is your favorite clothing item? :)
A: **EXPLICIT** This is one of those questions that in order to be completely honest with you, my readers, I have to get a bit graphic. There are several instances in my life that I remember "seeing" my gayness emerge. I've been called gay since before I even knew what that meant. The moment that I truly remember first thinking "Oh, my gosh, I'm gay..." was also the first time I masturbated. I was 13, looking at pictures of naked girls, not for the first time, with friends because they wanted to... and I wanted friends. They refused to watch porn with men in it, so that no one could accuse them of being gay. After a while, they all left my house. It was me and the computer, all alone. I didn't like looking at girls, at all. I wasn't excited when I saw their bodies. All I wanted to do was write "WHORE" across those girls' foreheads.
I quickly justified that it would be okay to look at naked men, because I had a penis too. I was shocked at how my body reacted to these pictures. I had an erection so hard that the pressure began to make it ache. I started rubbing it to ease the aching, without removing my eyes from the computer screen.
I came.
In that moment, I saw a deep piece of me. Just as quickly, I rationalized it away.

NOW, let me clarify. Was it the porn and masturbation that made me gay? ABSOLUTELY NOT. This cannot account for the gay traits, attributes and feelings that I was aware of years before this story took place.

As for my favorite clothing item, I'd have to say jeans. I love a good pair of expensive denim jeans.

Q: What's your favorite: Movie, Musical, TV Show, Food? Favorite place for a holiday? Where in the world would you like to visit more then anywhere else? If you won the lottery what would you do with it? Oh! and since you suggested it... Whats your favorite colour?

Movie: It changes all the time! I just finished Doubt and, WOW, I loved it

Musical: There are so many good ones that I haven't seen yet, but as of right now I'd have to go with Aida. I will always regret not seeing the original production because I fell in love with the music the week after I had the opportunity.
T.V. Show: Better Off Ted is the current winner, but I'll need a filler show now that it's season has ended.
Food: Mexican food is heaven sent. I think it is one of the things Christ taught the people in the Americas when he visited.
Getaway: Northern Arizona is only a few hours away, but provides a nice escape from the city and the hot weather.
Dream Destination: I would love to be able to slip away to Southern Europe for a few weeks. Some day...
Lottery Loot: I'd build my dream home, and invest the rest; set up a Living Trust and an Education Fund/Foundation. I'm boring, I know.
Color: Blues! However, red and black are my favorite color combination.

To be continued...

Your Help Is Needed!

I just got back from the theater. (Yes, apparently it's much easier to drag Todd to a 10:40pm movie than a midnight showing. The 1 hour and 20 minute makes a big difference in his attitude.... Only kidding babe :) We decided to go see Julie & Julia. It didn't get great reviews or anything, and we were pretty sure that it would be a flop. However, being the true gays that we are, we love Meryl Streep and had to go support her. It was a cute story with no real plot and void of a climax, but entertaining none the less. It is also is the only movie to date that is based on a blog.

This got me thinking, does my blog serve any purpose? What do I hope to accomplish by it? When will I know that it has served its purpose and it is time to retire it? Hell, I only know a faction of the people that read it. For every person who comments, there are about 30 others who don't. I'm fine with this, I just hope that sharing my stories help all of my readers somehow.

So here is what I need from you....
I want your suggestions and/or questions.
I want to know what my readers what to read.

So feel free to ask me anything. No limits. It doesn't need to be serious of Earth shattering. Ask those dumb "get to know you" questions (i.e. who my best friend is, or my favorite color) if you can't think of anything.

If you are brave enough to ask, I will answer. Oh but one little rule, I won't be replying to any Anonymous questions so at least make up a name.

Alright, here it goes!
Leave your comments here and on August 12th I will post my answers.

ABC: Art, Besties, & Cash

First of all, thanks to Jay for his picture, which is now featured as my August Header Man.

Second of all, Stephen, the Gay Mormon, won Paris Hilton's My New BFF!!!
Todd and Stephan were in seminary together back at Upland High, so we were rooting for him from the beginning. Then last week he got kicked off. I was freaking out. Tonight was the finale and in a surprise twist Paris called Stephen out of the line of eliminated contestants and asked him to please take her back. He did, of course.

Lastly, its funny how finances all come up at the same time. My car breaks down and its time to get new insurance for it. The car has to get tested for emissions, so I can pay to re-register the damn thing. My windshield cracks and then there is school on top of it all.
Just pray for me to get through the next few months.