I'm an emotional boy. That seems to be the theme of the day.
1- I'm emotionally attracted to men in an emotional way first. I dislike porn strongly and rarely will comment on random boys appearances. It's the emotional pull that really draws me into a boy. I still am shallow, but looks come second in my attraction to a man.
2- I get emotional over the thought of not being accepted. Specifically by my family. I went to a wedding tonight and tears came out of no where. I kept having the reoccurring thought of, "who will come to my wedding?" Which was IMMEDIATELY answered by "not your family..."
Even if it is 5 years off, they have already promised me that they would never support such an "abomination in the sight of God. [Their] son's wedding, or not."
3- I have felt totally inadequate lately. I'll never be good enough for a Mormon boy. I'm not hot enough. I'm that trick that guys are publicly ashamed of. I know this is all very whiny, but these are the thoughts that I can't escape, or vocalize, that lead me to sob in the shower.
I try to compose myself and put on a strong face. I mean who really wants a teary twink without confidence? I want to prove my family/friends/church wrong and find happiness even though I'm queer. I'm trying to be a positive guy (although this and the past couple posts may not express that) and hope that one day this will all change. At the same time, my realistic side kicks in and tells me that unless something else changes, I will be in this emotional, repetitive, rut forever. Where do I turn?
Saturday, March 21, 2009
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You ARE good enough (and hot enough ;). Sure, we can all improve ourselves, but a huge part of who we are is dependent on where our heart is. And I'm sure you have a good heart. Tough times come and go, but they are necessary if we are to grow. HUG
ReplyDeleteAustin: Troy's right. Hang in there. Make another list about things you like about yourself, and post it. Then read it when you get depressed. I'm curious to see what you'll say.
ReplyDeleteI just sent you a e-mail because I thought it was too lengthy for a blog comment.
ReplyDeleteInside you I know that you know you are hot. and I TELL YOU ALL THE TIME. you know you get that nod. you know the one you talked about when a boy looks your way? I wish you knew how truly attractive you are aus aus. You are the hottest friend i have! I LOVE going places with you in public, cause it makes me feel so cool. and yes, that sentence has been repeated to you too. and i like being the anonymous commenter for the 2nd time. love you.
ReplyDeletePeople have a way of changing their minds. Maybe you could help your parents change their minds by not inviting them to the future wedding. People want to do what they aren't allowed to do. Tell them it's a sacred ceremony and only people with recommends can attend. If they want to know how to get a recommend tell them they have to join PFLAG, wear sacred Banana Republic clothes, and absain from all fashion faux paux's.
ReplyDeleteIn all seriosness, give your parents time to come around. My parents said the same things as yours, and they have already come around in a few areas.
I have to agree with Daniel. Don't let other people make you feel bad about yourself, and in time people can change. Parents are unable to just stop loving their children. I'm sure they still love you, and you've probably surrounded yourself with other people that care about you more than you know. Keep your head up and smile.
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