God Hates Me?

I've been thinking a lot lately about God.

I wish I didn't believe in him.

I do, however believe in him.

Does this make me naive?

Are the only people that believe in God, the ones that need him?

It doesn't really matter I guess. In the world of religion, the ONLY thing that I know, is that there is a God. He likes me a lot too.

So here is what I have really been thinking about:
The "God" that I learned about when I was in primary is a very different "God" than the one I have heard about the past few years.

I hear the song, "A Child's Prayer" and I feel SO close to God. I sit in a priesthood meeting and that burning spirit is not there nearly as much. Even dedicated Saints will tell you the same.
So using the presents of the spirit as a measuring tool, what is this telling us?

How many terrible things in this world have been done in the name of God?
The crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, ect...
Those are just the biggies...
How many civil rights have been denied to people because this God (who is supposed to be impartial) said one group of people was better than another?

Why do people think they have the right to talk in behalf of God?

The God I know loves all of his children and wants to hear from them. He is much more concerned with people loving one another than joining a certain church.
Don't tell me how God feels about a topic.
I talk to him and listen.
Are you?

AIDS Walk!!!

I remember watching the news when I had just turned 7. I saw people laying out large extravagant quilts in Washington D.C. There were big, red ribbons stretched out all over the place. I was captivated. I didn't know what was going on, but there were THOUSANDS of people and the news was spending an extraordinary amount of time on it. Like a whole half hour segment. I kept trying to understand, but I just couldn't figure out what these people were trying to accomplish....
Then I heard the word, "death."

I used to have this irrational fear of death. I was fascinated, terrified, obsessed, and totally determined to avoid it.

I realized that these people were getting together to honor people that had died and to try to keep more people from dying.
My dad walked in and I asked him what this was about. He looked at the T.V. and almost instantaneously went to look for the remote. He changed the channel and told me to watch my cartoons. This made me even more curious. He left and I changed it back. He came back and changed the channel. I asked again what this quilt-thing was about, and added that it wasn't inappropriate so I could watch it if I wanted to.
He got very serious, and said, "Those people are talking about a virus called AIDS. It's mainly gay men who get it, and they only want a cure for it so they can sleep together without God's repercussions for sinning."

Never did he mention that "God's repercussion" was a painful and embarrassing death.

Now I have to defend my father. That was a LONG time ago and he is not so ignorant on this topic. He would never say such a hurtful and false statement today.
However that ONE statement has hung with me since then, because I remember the feeling of knowing that my dad was lying to me... The Heavenly Father I knew and had been taught about would never say something like that.

This weekend is Arizona's AIDS Walk. I wasn't sure if I was going to sign up for it or not, but then a girl in one of my classes told me that she was putting together a Team in honor of her brother who recently died. She talked me into it and I can't tell you how excited I am to be a part of this!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE join this GREAT cause and walk with us! If any of you in Arizona, are reading this and haven't signed up yet.... SIGN UP and join the Johnathan's Hope Team. :)

If you don't live in AZ, I still encourage you to sign up and walk! Find a team, and help someone in need! Karma, good energy, blessings or what ever you believe in will come back to you for signing up!

Girls Love A Gay In A Uniform

I'm still working for my brother. Every Tuesday I have to leave work early so that I can make it to school on time.

So yesterday we got to a job about 30 minutes before I had to leave, so I ran inside to get as much work done as I could with the time I had. I was greeted by a girl who was about my age. She was very pretty. Tall and slender, with eyes that are just slightly further apart than the average person....
I spent the whole time I was working debating whether or not she would be good as a runway model.
I left and went to school. She would have never crossed my mind again if it weren't for the story my brother relayed to me this morning...

He told me that yesterday afternoon, when he was invoicing the owner of the house, he asked my brother where "the guy [his] daughter was swooning over" was. He explained that I had classes to get to so I had to leave early. The father went on to tell my brother about how his daughter is a good LDS girl who she keeps dating scum bags and how I seemed like a really decent guy.
My brother just smiled at him and said, "Well, she'll have a really hard time winning him over."
The father got a bit offended, thinking that my brother was calling his daughter inadequate. He wanted to know what was wrong with his daughter.
"Well," my brother searching for the right words says, "I don't usually get to involved in my employee's lives (lie), but he happens to be my little brother and I happen to know that he doesn't find girls NEARLY as interesting as men."
I guess the father's jaw just dropped and said, "Oh." Then after a few seconds he broke into a HUGE smile and said, "Oh MAN! I cannot WAIT to tell her! (cue hysterical laughter) This is going to kill her. "

Point of this story...

HE CLAIMED ME AS HIS GAY BROTHER!!!!
:)

It Might Be Time To Tell Grandma

Remember when I wrote about my brother-in-law getting baptized? Well this last Saturday he got to baptize his son, my oldest nephew... But that's not really what this post is about.
This post has to do with me finally coming out ALL the way!

I'm out. I'm not super loud about it, but I am definitely proud to be gay. I don't care who knows, and I don't care if you have a problem with it.... Just please don't tell my Grandmother.

My dad's mother is my last living grandparent. With about 50 first cousins on that side of my family, me and my Grandma never really got a chance to be very close. However, over the past few years some of her grandchildren that she is especially close to have fallen off of the Mormon-Bandwagon; leaving room for Austin-the-good-boy to fill their roles. I've always admired my Grandma, but these last few years have given me an immense sense of appreciation.
That woman is simply amazing.

SO at my nephew's baptism Grandma sat with me. We had an interesting conversation.
Grandma: So, have you talked to Cousin #1 in a while?
Austin: No, how is she???
G: I don't know. I think she's ok. She spends all her time with this new boy of her's. Do you know who he is?
A: Nope, I guess it's been a REALLY long time since I've seen her. Do you like him, Grandma?
G: Oh I don't know. It doesn't really matter. You know, no one asks me any more. These kids just do what ever they want... they make their decisions without asking me..

I let this conversation settle, and a few other kids get dunked (Did you know they now have multiple kids getting baptized in the same meeting/session?!?! Stake baptism day! Each kid doesn't get their own anymore. WTF?). Then Grandma turned to me to start a new version, of the same conversation.
G: So did you know Cousin #2 is graduating this year?
A: No way! Wow! What's he up to?
G: He's always hanging around that girlfriend. Have you met her? Do you like her?
A: Yeah, I've met her... She's... Interesting...
G: Yeah, that's my thought too. But it doesn't really matter. None of them ask me any more. Everyone just does what they want without asking me. My opinion doesn't mean anything.

My stomach sunk.
I was getting the worlds best guilt trip.
The fact of the matter is that I would be openly gay, even if my Grandma didn't approve, but I would love to sit down and talk to her about it. I would love for her to be a support for me. So many other people in my extended family have done shitty things, and she has supported them no matter what. My worst fear is that I'll be the straw that breaks her back. There is only so much that little woman can take.
I have a feeling that she would be my number one advocate though. I can imagine her sitting in the front row at my wedding. I can see her voting for gay marriage, because her grandson (that's me) should have all the rights her other grand kids have. I know that she would totally love Todd.
In fact she has met Todd. I don't think they really got a lot of time to chit chat, but she does know about my "little friend".

I don't know... maybe it is time to tell Grandma.

P.S. I think my graduation was the only time in my life that people ever took pictures and gave them to me. Sorry for the out dated and cliche photo.

Jacking Off

So I'll just apologize right now for not keeping up my blog. I know that many of you readers have taken offense to my absence. I don't know how you have managed to live and function in daily life without regular updates from me. I'll try to do better.

I have a lot of topics to cover this month and because I've been slacking that means there will be a lot of new posts coming soon.

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I'll go ahead and get my Homework post out of the way first. Abelard asked all of us to do a post about masturbation on our blogs sometime this month.
I'll preface this by saying, "I'm sorry," to anyone that my bluntness offends. These are my thoughts and beliefs, and I would never claim them as doctrine or best for everyone.

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I think The Church is so full of crap on the topic of masturbation. I did say I would be blunt.

Pres. Kimball said in The Miracle of Forgiveness that masturbation leads to mutual masturbation, mutual masturbation will lead to homosexuality, homosexuality will lead to bestiality.

Well from my personal experience, I can tell you that this is TOTALLY false. I was a homosexual before ever masturbating. I have NEVER even thought of doing the dirty with ANY kind of animal.

Elder Packer has a pamphlet called, For Young Men Only. It is mostly about masturbation, but one of his more off-the-wall-statements has to do with homosexuality. "No one is locked into that kind of life [homosexuality]. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men --masculine, manly men --ultimately to become husbands and fathers."
Elder Packer says that "many will be amused by this counsel." I am NOT amused at all. I am seriously concerned for the shame and pain that this counsel will cause many young men who have been raised in the LDS Church to feel.
I think this is a BALLSY thing to say. What a hurtful and UNTRUE thing to say. Why is he insinuating that gay men can't become "masculine, manly men" and "husbands and fathers"? And I'm not debating that I was predestined to be a man! I AM a man physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So is Todd. That is kinda the POINT of being gay. As a heterosexual, how does he even feel responsible or entitled to even speak on this topic?
MORE THAN THAT, in the 33 years since this talk was given, the church has begun to sing a new tune. "In some circumstances a person defers marriage because he or she is not presently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. While many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality, others may not be free of this challenge in this life."
Okay, so they still refuse to call it anything but "a challenge" BUT they do admit that even turning to Christ and exerting all my effort isn't a 100% shot at becoming straight. What happened to not being "locked into that kind of life"?
OH and will SOMEONE PLEASE fix their statistics??? "many Latter-day Saints" will become straight and only some "others" may not? FAR more are leaving The Church because of this issue than subjecting themselves to the lies and solitude that the Church would suggest for them.

So my point is that it is hard for me to respect the opinions and "guidance" of a man that is so ignorant and outspoken that even The Church has had to emend his words.

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My personal thought as a future father is that I would rather my children understand the risks of sex, the dangers of addiction and problems that could ensue from masturbation.
I have to break this up as a psychologist. If my child's masturbation habits caused dysfunction or distress in living a regularly routinized life, then would be the time for discussion (i.e. if my kid is missing the bus every morning because he has to get off, then we are going to need to have a serious talk). But the fact of the matter is that masturbation RARELY becomes a serious impairment in a persons life.
I'm not going to say, "Hey kids, you should go masturbate!" However, they will know that I would much rather them masturbate than have sex.
I don't want them to feel ashamed, bad, or dirty about masturbating. If someone is doing something in privacy that does not effect you, hurt anyone, and is not self destructive... THEN WHY DO YOU CARE???