Controversial Header

I had an interesting conversation with a reader of my blog the other day. This gay-LDS-reader from California expressed his views of... I'm not even sure. Whether he wanted to stay celibate or marry a woman, I have no idea but regardless, he did not agree with my plans for my future.
The conversation started nice enough but quickly turned bitter. However I do have to admit that this mystery reader did make a good point:

"I find it a bit odd that you have this really hot almost naked guy as your chat title and it says "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." Are you really trying to find your way or have you figured it out and now just trying to get enough support to believe what you want vs. what you may still believe but that doesn't really go in line with what you feel? If I may be so bold as to ask?"

Alright. Here I go. First off, yes I do have a hottie at the top of my blog. In fact if you haven't noticed yet I change my Header Man on the first of every month. I figure this is like a magazine and it deserves a new "cover" each month.

Yes the subtitle of my blog does say "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." I chose those words very carefully. I wanted to express who I am and what I'm doing here in the blog-o-sphere.

Am I trying to find my way or have I already figured it out? I believe that for the most part, I know the course that my life will take. I have spent years deliberating and trying to figure out what I, and the Lord, feel would be best for me and my future. I've thought about changing that subtitle, now that my future path has become more clear, but am I done trying to find my way? Absolutely not. I still have many more years (hopefully) to live and with that will come struggles, trials and road blocks. Life is a journey and we are all trying to find the way. I'm taking it one step at a time, with my head up and looking ahead.

Yes, I do like getting comments that give me support. I admit it! But not so that I can "believe what I want to." We as humans LOVE to be affirmed. We like having a sense of community. People like talking and listening to others who have similar struggles, beliefs, culture, and even sexual attractions. The reader that posed this question goes to church every week to be affirmed (or as he put it "believe what he wants to") and I blog.

That last part makes me giggle. I assure you that what I believe goes right in line with what I feel, and vice versa. If I didn't know for sure that what I'm doing was the best thing for me, why would I do it? Because I like losing the positive relationships that I had with my family? Because I like knowing that my "friends" are talking badly about me? Or maybe its just because I like all of the attention. Those of you that know me, on a personal level, know that I am highly social but do not enjoy being the center of attention. It makes me quite uncomfortable and anxious. I do know what is best for me. In spite of all of the shit that comes along with being openly gay, I get to be happier than I ever have been too. That makes up for everything else.

One Year Older And Wiser Too.

I've been out for ONE year now!

On the night of May 13, 2008, I told my father that I was gay. He told my mother later that night.
It was not until two or three weeks later that they actually associated the word "gay" with me, rather than just saying that I had "experimented".

This year was been quite the journey. That first month in and of its self was turbulent. I crawled out of the closet and had my first real look at myself. I actually called myself gay for the first time out loud, and no lightning came to strike me down. I was excited to share the feelings and thoughts that I'd been isolating in my head. I was dramatically depressed about not being able to serve a mission.

The rest of the year slowly got better. I wanted to change so bad and be the "normal LDS young man" and marry a woman. I went to therapy and got my hopes up. Shortly after starting, I realized it wasn't going to work. I'd signed up to CHANGE, and all they could promise me was for my gay feelings to "go down" and to "create" feelings for the opposite gender.
I wanted to quit therapy right then and there in that moment of realization, but therapy offered me something else. Not change, but a time to talk about my feelings in a non-judgmental environment. I had no one to talk to till then. My family didn't get it, or want to hear about it. I knew no gays (let alone gay Mormons). So even talking about the "negative" aspects of homosexuality with a therapist was still talking and I was able to get my feelings out in the open.

But I had just come out of the closet, and I was being asked to step back in. It was traumatic. There were a few times that I just had to sneak out it. This life of hiding and sneaking was miserable and unhealthy.

After nine months of therapy I came out again. This time I was running out of the closet. I'm so grateful for all of the friends that helped me get there.

Today I am happier than I have ever been. I can breath in the open air! I can look myself in the mirror without any regret. I don't worry about letting people see who I really am.
I know God. He loves me.

Blissful Bigot

To my family: I know you all are reading my blog by now. I'm going to continue writing the way I always have. I wish that you would stop checking in on this blog, or reading its content, but I can't really make you do anything.
In any case this specific post is NOT angled towards any of you in anyway

Gayness

"It has nothing to do with the Church's beliefs or doctrines. Its a question of moral integrity."

It amazes me that some people with priesthood callings in the Church are even further behind the times then the men who run it. Even they admit that my feelings are real.

The way that I have felt since I was just a little kid is a question of moral integrity? Now if you were to say that I'm immoral for sleeping with a boy before marriage then I might buy that. But to say that all homosexuals are in violation of moral laws/ codes of ethics, because we find ourselves attracted solely to members of our same gender.... that's hurtful. What did I do to bring this on me?

NOTHING

Yet you are ready to judge. This is something you have no experience with or understanding of.
What's more... You aren't even trying to understand. You are happy with being a bigot.
Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

Who's Confused?

I'm in California this week. Just before I left though, my parents tried to explain why they didn't want me to bring my boyfriend to Sunday Family Night Dinner.
"We are concerned. I mean the kids (my siblings) are just worried about... well you know. We just worry that the boys (my nephews) will... get confused."

Really? Do they think that I'll be making out with my boyfriend/fiance/husband at the dinner table? I DO hate the idea of having to hide my love for my significant other when my siblings don't have to. I feel like pretending that we are "room mates" or "best friends" only makes it seem like I condone the intolerance and prejudices that gays are fighting so hard to over come.
BUT I'm not a disrespectful twat. I want to be involved in my nieces' and nephews' lives. If that means that I have to live the "room mate" lie, then so be it. Even though I feel it is totally wrong to do that (it makes it seem like I am ashamed or embarrassed of who I am, the form my love takes, who I love, and what my life is), I can't control the way my siblings raise their children or what they want to "Shield" their children from. My choice then becomes whether I want to be involved in their lives or be forced out.

Really!? What kind of confusion are they talking about?
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be gay? If that is what they meant, then they really still do not get why gay men are gay. I thought they were beyond this point. If my nephews (or nieces for that matter) view a healthy and happy relationship between my partner and I, that will not change their sexual orientation. I was not exposed to any gay relationships growing up. Guess what! I'm still gay. And being gay is not the same as being curious.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be sexually curious? If this is what they meant then they don't understand where curiosities come from. This is in Psychology 101.
We as humans are curious about things that we don't understand. Hearing about, having impersonal interactions, or brief encounters with something (gay relationships) a persons curiosity will peek. This is due to a mystification that is caused by having a distance from, or ignorance of, this same something (gay relationships). If we gain information or have a close relationship with this something (gay relationships) however, we demystify the topic and extinguish the curiosity.
In other words my nephews are growing up in a more accepting time period. They will hear about gay relations and have more potential to be curious about trying gay sex, than if I were open and my relationship was just accepted.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to question what is right and what is wrong? Who cares? This is my life. You cannot know what I'm going through. I try to deal with what's mine the best I know. I live the way I know that I should. I'm sorry if you think that I should be living differently. It is a parents job to teach their children in their home, what they have interpreted to be right and wrong. So how long do you teach your children that your family is perfect, and that we don't have ANY disagreements on what is right and what is wrong? Reality is going to be quite a shock. It will be hard to explain why it is wrong for Uncle Austin to be married to a man and yet he is happy. I would prefer that they just tell their kids that it is wrong that I got married outside of the temple, but then I'm not the only one in the family with fault.
Do they think that my marriage would confuse them? All of my sisters have been married outside of the temple. Are my nieces and nephews being taught that those marriages are less important, and not as good? I was happy for all of my sisters when they got married. At times I truly felt that they were ruining their lives, but I had to wave away that thought, because they were happy. (Never did I question if it was "true-happiness", because it is not my place to determine whether or not someone else is TRULY HAPPY or not.) I was happy for them.
When my cousin Brad got married my parents took me to the wedding. It was in a beautiful not-LDS church somewhere. I was happy for my cousin and enjoyed the service and reception afterwards. When we went home that night my parents taught me their beliefs about marriage. So because mine will involve two grooms is it that much different than that situation?
Bottom line: Life IS confusing. If you think that my beliefs, clashing with your beliefs, will confuse your child, then be a good parent and try to guide them the best you can. But in the end the child will get to choose what he or she interprets to be right and wrong and that is not my fault.

REALLY!?!? Do you know what it would have been like for me to have someone to go to when I was learning to accept my sexuality? I would have given anything to have someone to talk to. Once Tiffani was gone I have no one in my life that understood what I was going through. I felt so much self-hatred, needless shame, and fear. I had this dream scenario of an actively gay and LDS man coming to tell me that I wasn't broken. I needed this affirmation-man so badly. I doubt that I would have turned to my first boy in High School and had sex. I didn't want to have sex; I wasn't super sexually curious. All I wanted was this affirmation-man to let me know that my God still loved me. That I was perfect just the way that I was. My first boy was able to tell me those things.
If by some chance one of my nephews turns out to be gay too, I hope to God that I am there and close enough to him, that I can be that affirmation-man for him. I would want to tell him that his life IS worth living, and I know that because I've been where he is.

Really family? Really.

Reunion

When I was six or so I met Tiffani. She treated me like a little prince from the day I met her. She pampered me and loved me. She was about 15 years older than me. She had a strong personality. She was beautiful. She was gay.

She was a very close family friend. My Saturdays were spent hanging out with her. I spent more time in the summers at her house than at my own. I would wake up early before school to go on bike rides with her. We went shopping together. If nothing else, she exposed me to Jamba Juice... so that should tell you just how cool she is :)

I was started to discover that I was gay when I turned 13 and I wanted to talk to her about it more than anything, but I had an unfounded fear that she would tell some one in my family that I was gay. Even though my family outwardly seemed to be ok with Tiff's sexual orientation, I knew that they would not be as cool about me coming out. Instead I sat back down in the closet and just observed this remarkable woman live her life unafraid of what others might think.

Then, just before I turned 14, Tiffani stepped out of my life without any warning. I was distraught. My best friend had abandoned me. The only one who knew what it was like to have "this gay thing" inside of me. It hurt so badly that I just worked my way further into the back of the closet to cry. I didn't want to associate with the woman that, it felt, had given up on me. I didn't want to be gay.

Years went by and I thought a lot about Tiffani. I never tried to contact her. I was sure that she had forgotten me long ago.

I got outed. I went to change therapy. I left change therapy. I came out.

Then two nights ago we went out to dinner.

She's the one that contacted me set up the dinner date. Apparently one of my sisters had talked to Tiffani recently and mentioned that I was gay, to which she responded, "Duh, we talked about that when he was nine, remember? I just worried that he'd never come out and accept himself."

I didn't realize how hurt and how much animosity I still had for her until I was standing face to face with her at her condo entrance. We awkwardly walked to dinner and I let my emotions flood inside of me. I felt sick and had no appetite.

"I'm sorry..." And with those words all of my old feelings about this marvelous woman came rushing back. She apologized for leaving so unexpectedly. We talked about a lot of things pertaining to the end of our previous friendship. I now understand where she was coming from and do not blame her at all for doing what she needed to do and taking care of herself.

I'm so grateful that she took the initiative to seek me out. I'm so happy to have her back in my life , and that she wants to be active once again in it.

Thank God for old friends, new friends, and good friends in general.

Thanks Boys

I owe a lot of bloggers a LOT of things.
To name a few...

Kurt: You have had a lot of influence in my life in just the little time that we've known one another. You talked me out of making one of the WORST decisions of my life. I can't thank you enough. I haven't been the kind of friend lately that you deserve. Don't give up on me.

Mark: I'm super grateful for your social abilities. And for your encouragement of me talking to/hanging out with complete strangers... Strangers that you've already checked out for me :)
You really do make me laugh more than you know, but I'm more impressed with the way you can get me to calm down, with just a phone call, when I'm all worked up.

Dallin: You exposed me to the blogging world (which has been a huge blessing). You were the first Moho I ever met that was not in change therapy. I knew then that there were other options. You were brave enough to come out publicly, and pave the way for me.

Landon: When we first started being friends, I was a mess. My views about the gospel and church were faltering. My expectations for a future husband were slipping. But then you came to help a friend out. We made lists of deal breakers, and deal bonuses. Our discussions helped me find my footing in the gospel. You made me realize that I'm worth a good husband and I don't need to settle. We'll get those dream weddings someday.

Pancakes: You're blunt. I like it. You have inspired me to be more emotionally independent. I'm so effected by what others say and think about me. I want some of that "I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think" confident mentality. You remind me to surround myself with positive people that boost me up and don't put me down. There is too little time in life to waste on people like that. You are upbeat and live life the way you feel is right. I admire that.

Capt. Midnight: Ok to be honest yours is one of the few blogs that I religiously read every word of. I think its because I can relate to you so well. I am encouraged by your relationship :)

Alan: I'm so excited to meet you! You really have become a father/teacher/adviser/therapist in my life. Thank you so much for being there when I need some one to vent to and get counsel from. You've reminded me that I DO know what joy and true happiness are. I've felt them and still feel them. No one else can tell me what I'm feeling or not feeling :)

I'm sure that I've left people out, but please don't be offended.
Its amazing that my interactions with you all have been limited but through our common struggles I feel very close to you all. Thanks for your comments, messages and feedback that you continually give. I enjoy getting your input. It is appreciated more than you know.

For The Record

Mr. Johnson wrote a narrative :)

I'm so flattered Mark... But did you string me out on GHB or something? I have no recollection of this. But it sounds like we had a lot of fun... in this fantasy of yours. Unfortunately I have to say, it's probably best if you do move on. Sorry Mark. You know why we can't be.

Change of Plans

Its funny how life works... you think you have everything worked out, and then nothing plays out how you thought.

1. I may be resigning my membership from The Church sooner than I thought. This hurts because I still have a testimony of so much of The Church. Of the fundamental and key points. But I'd rather beat them to the punch if you know what I mean. Lately I had even been thinking that it would be possible to retain my membership, forever. I mean I'm only a priest... surely The Church is more concerned with the Actively-Gay Elders or High Priests. However it looks like someone might be exploring the avenues that it would take to get my membership pulled. I'm interested to hear what all you bloggers think about my possible resignation.

2. I'm not moving up to Seattle this year. This does NOT mean I'm staying in the parents' house. I'm still moving out the first week of June. In fact I actually already know where and with who (I'm excited and nervous about the prospect of living with a girl!) I will be living. This was a very difficult choice to make, and perhaps it is the less practical choice to make, but I feel that staying is the right choice for me now. Things have changed. A great new opportunity has presented itself. I feel like I would be a complete idiot if I were to walk away from it without doing everything I possibly could to make it work. I'm tired of living in the "what if's" of life.

I can't thank you all enough for your comments on my last post. I needed that affirmation that I had made the right choice to stand up for myself. Life has been so good lately! I like the way I feel about myself. I have awesome friends and family and others in my life. I'm seriously so blessed.

The Smudge on My Perfect Week

My life is at an all time high! There are too many reasons to be happy and smile! I should be terrified to be so high up here on Cloud 9, because in the past I've fallen off. But I'm not!
How ever in the midst of this joy, annoying shit still happens.

My friend Scott got his mission call. Orlando, FL, Spanish speaking. I guess he really wasn't kidding about our friendship being over because I had to hear bout his call from my sister who is in his ward. My sister also mentioned that Scott's girlfriend (of a ridiculously dramatic 5 years) wanted to talk to me. I was shocked since she had deleted me as a facebook friend on the same night as Scott.
I thought about it, and then added her, again, as a facebook friend.
Here is the conversation that followed:

GF: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Scott wants to still be your friend, but only if you can respect his views.

ok. so many things wrong with this. ( A) You send your girl friend to be a third party messenger? (B) You are asking me to change something so that you can get what you want? That's not how the world works...

ME: umm... I'm sorry? His views? Like his belief that I chose to be gay?

GF: Yes. Austin, you can't expect others to just accept your views of Homosexuality, and then chose not to respect their views.

ME: Oh, I respect that he has views. But he doesn't really get to have views on what makes me gay, since he himself is NOT gay. I mean who's views are more respectable on the topic of Nuclear Physics? The Nuclear Pysicist? Or the Real Estate Agent's son?

GF: Well I support Scott 100%, so I don't know how we can be friends with your unaccepting attitude.

ME: My unaccepting attitude... GF, do you see that my choices to do what makes me happy hurts NO ONE, while his stuborn, and unproven opinions are extremly hurtful to millions of people?

GF: Austin, I hope you realize you are pushing people away.

ME: Well, actually of all the people that now know the real me, you and scott are the only ones who have chosen to step out of my life.... funny huh...

GF: Goodbye Austin.

ME: yep.

Really? Really? Was I off base? I mean, I have friends that have let me know that they don't support me seeking a marriage with a man. I can be semi-ok with that. I can still talk to those people and love them for who they are. But should I really take back a friend who feels that I would choose to be gay? One that does not want to even hear a glips of one of the biggest parts of my life? One that, I know, in the back of his head is always thinking about how I'm headed straight for hell?