Too Busy To Blog?

I've been really bad at blogging lately. I'd feel bad, except it seems I'm not the only one slacking :)
The fun of this summer has made it challenging for us bloggers to keep up to date.
So here are the things that have kept me busy this past week...

Salt River: Yes, it is disgustingly dirty and attracts all sorts of classy bitches. However, you cannot leave that place without a good story, tons of memories, and usually a pretty good tan. It was my good friend Tye's birthday and as per his request, we headed to the river early Friday morning. We rode the whole stretch under constant cloud cover. No tan, but some trees scratched me up nicely.

Restaurant Of Fire: Ok, so I'm totally a "The Office" fanatic (well not lately since the season ended abruptly and and the comedy has been lacking. But that is not the point of this post). There was this one episode where some of the characters go to Benihana. Since this episode I have been dying to see that Onion Volcano Magic in real life. IT FINALLY happened! Tye's birthday dinner was at a fancy Japanese restaurant. And when they brought out that onion, I almost pooped my pants in excitement. It was everything I imagined and more.

Bare: IT IS HERE!!! Back in December, Dallin exposed me to a little musical called "bare: a pop opera". I fell in love with it. I used to log on to his blog just to hear the music. Finally in February I broke down and bought the soundtrack. It became a little bit of an obsession for me. I wanted to know everything about this play. I've seen about ever YouTube video relating to it.
And now it is being produced HERE in the Valley Of The Sun. I've seen it twice already. I know some of the cast, and met the writer. I'll probably see it a couple more times before this run is up :)

Swimming: In all honesty, most of my recreation this summer has just been swimming. But seriously, in 110 degree weather, where else can you better enjoy your time?
Its been a pain though to go to family dinner and not be able to swim in my parents pool. They want to make sure none of the grand kids find out that I have a tattoo. I knew that was a risk when I got it, and I made the choice to get one anyway. I respect their rules and only go swimming if I'm wearing a shirt I don't mind getting wet.
However I have to wonder what the kids will think when they find out years from now that their parents and grandparents were trying to shield them from Uncle Austin's evil ink spot. I think they will realize how ridiculous it is. There just isn't very much logic behind it. It goes back to this.

Church: I forgot that Pioneer Day had been the Friday before. It was... interesting. However I did have to fight back the tears when we sang "Come Come Ye Saints." This is a perfect example of my retarded crying patterns. I cry when I have no idea why.

Visitors: Todd's cousin, David, came to visit. Finally. He brought Turtle with him, and we all were so happy he did. I hope she didn't feel marginalized being the only one that was not a Homo-momo. She was a complete and utter joy to have. David was pretty fun too ;)
I hope they enjoyed their stay!

The Baptism: My brother-in-law did it! He genuinely looked happy. I'm proud of him for doing what he felt was right even though there were lots of people in his life that tried to talk him out of it.

So that's about it. Although it's been fun, I'm hoping for a less eventful week to come. I might actually get registered for school if that happens.

No Reason

Just to remind me that he loves me and to see me smile.

:)

Yes, I do know how lucky I am.

Sob Stories

My crying habits are really weird. First of all, I cry way too much. If you were to ask my friends they would probably tell you that I never cry. I rarely let it happen in public, but I try not to isolate myself either. That means that my mother and Todd can (but probably wouldn't) recount hundreds of instances that they've caught me crying, usually over nothing.
However when I get that deep, dark, depressed feeling inside that makes me want to cry and let it all out, I can never turn on the water works. Which makes me more frustrated and depressed.
So I have a solution. There are four movies that can get me to cry.... No... Bawl.

A Walk To Remember

Dancer In The Dark

Charly

Prayers For Bobby

**SPOILER ALERT** The one common thread in all these movies is that a character always ends up dying. There are plenty of stories out there that I feel like use the death of a character solely to evoke a cheap tear from the audience. However, in these movies it's never death that brings the tears. I'm defiantly not in ANY rush to die, but death doesn't really scare me or make me sad.

Its things like noticing a boy become a man, and a girl achieve all of her dreams.

Its things like watching a mother work her ass off to help her son, and after losing hope, finding out that her efforts were not in vain.

Its things like seeing a husband in denial that his wife is dying and a mother longing for her child just to remember her.

Its things like empathizing with a boy who's mother believes God would make her pick between loving her son, and being a good Christian.

Anyway, if you if you're ever in need of a good cry, you now know where to turn. I wouldn't recommend watching them all in one sitting... it might leave you quite dehydrated.

Sales Pitch Strategies

Yesterday I finally went to the ward I'm supposed to attend. It wasn't much different than other student wards that I've been to. The congregation was packed with beautiful people, and peppered with a few of those weirdos that clearly are not getting out of the singles' ward anytime soon.
The sacrament service was headed up by the Tempe, Arizona mission president and his wife, the Craigs. Their talks were nice, and it was clear how much missionary work meant to them. Their message was somewhere along the lines of, "Every member is a missionary, so if you reactivate members who have fallen away from the church, then there will be more missionaries!"

There are several approaches that people involved in missionary work can take, most of which just irritate me. There is the salesman method; if you let them in, they won't leave till you buy the product and they have filled their quota. Then there's the force-feed technique; they chase everyone they see so they can jam their beliefs down your throat. Of course there's the lazy-ass missionary; they went out to please other people and aren't really into the mission thing so they just screw around and go through the motions. There are many more I'm sure, but the missionaries that drive me craziest are the spirit-leaders: they spend every second of their missions waiting for the spirit to tell them what to do, even what to order in the McDonald's drive-thru.

The Craigs seemed to focus on the service and sharing approach. This by far is my favorite! Basically their theory is that if you live like Christ, and try to help others who cross your path, they will come to you with a desire to know Christ, because of the way you emulated him.

---

My brother-in-law is getting baptized in ten days. I have very mixed feelings about this. He dated my sister for over 2 years, when she had little to no activity in the church. Then they got married and she hopped on the Molly Mormon Train. In all of the eight and a half years that they have been married, never have I heard him express ANY interest in joining. He has gone to church with her every Sunday and even held callings. Dozens of missionary companionships have taught him the discussions who couldn't resolve his dozens of questions. Then out of no where, last Thursday my oldest sister tells me that these new missionaries are getting him baptized.

He and my sister live in Scott's home ward, so I was recently there for sacrament meeting. Every time I've ever been in that ward, someone mentions their Stake's goal of having 5 convert baptisms a month. This last time I went the High Counselor was spouting off statistics about how they hadn't met the quota last month, but had surpassed it the month before.
My jaw hit the ground as I sat in disbelief. How do those new members feel hearing that? How could they NOT feel like another notch on a bedpost?

I haven't ever had a really deep relationship with this brother in law. I see him once or twice a week, but never would I just call him up to have a conversation. Yet, he is still probably the person in my family I would be most comfortable discussing my sexuality with. I don't know really what his views of homosexuality are, but he has always given the impression that he's accepting. He and Tiffani used to be really good friends. Like BEST friends.

If he's doing what he wants, and it will make him happy, good for him! But I'm so confused! Why now? Why is he getting baptized?
Looks like the Craigs' techniques are working out...

Love the Sinner. Hate the Sin.

I desire to be treated with respect, so I try to give that same respect to others.

** The SGA community uses the term "reparative therapy" rather than "change therapy". Their rational is that the therapy will help you repair/heal the deficits and wounds that they believe all gay men have, and thereby create a shift in your sexual orientation. I find that the general public is more familiar with the term "change therapy" and mistake "reparative therapy" for a branch of physical therapy. Ultimately the goal of this therapy IS for you to come out a different person than you went in, so I feel that "change therapy" is an accurate label. Also my computer doesn't think "reparative" is a real word.**

I truly respect those that are in change therapy. I apologize if my blog has ever given the impression that I do not. I have some deep-seated issues with the institution, but I think highly of those that turn to change therapy to find happiness. If you cannot be happy because you are attracted to your same gender, I completely respect you for taking the initiative to try to reconcile those feelings. I would not name-call, slander, or ever talk bad about those people.

I would never try to deter a man on the "Journey to Change". My thoughts, ideas and beliefs are my own and I will not push them on anyone else. **BUT, my thoughts, ideas and beliefs come from my experience with the institution and I will share them with those that will listen. I wouldn't go to an Evergreen Conference, a Fast and Testimony Meeting, or Journey into Manhood to preach my ideals. On that same note I would expect the same respect from those in change therapy. Please, do not preach your ideals on my blog, or try to force your beliefs on me if I'm not asking to hear them.

I don't really have a lot of respect for the men that run change therapy programs anymore.
My major is declared as clinical psychology. I got into this field because there was a time in my life when I was sure that I wanted to be a change therapist. I had so much respect for the men who run this program that I wanted to BE one of them.

So what changed?
In November I was still doing my course work for my major when my psych teacher took me aside and showed me my term paper. He had failed it. I had written it on change therapy, and cited all of my sources. He explained that fundamentally my paper was perfect, but that the ideas and sources reflected the concepts of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). I told him that I knew that and explained what my future career plans were. He got really concerned and told me that regardless he couldn't accept my paper because the APA (American Psychological Association) discredits NARTH, and every other branch or conversion, reparative, and change therapies. In fact NO mainstream health institution in America (American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, National Association of Social Workers, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Association of School Administrators, the American Federation of Teachers, the National Association of School Psychologists, the American Academy of Physician Assistants, and the National Education Association) will support them; they are all critics of such therapies and consider them harmful.

He gave me the opportunity to re-write my paper. I took it and was ready to walk out, when this concerned man asked me, "do you know what priestcraft is?" He pulled out his scriptures and read a few select verses to me. Then we sat there is silence as I digested what I had heard.
I wanted Celestial Glory. I had been told that the ONLY way to obtain that was to be straight. The only way to be straight was to pay $120 a session. There was a man making a profit off of my determination to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I suppose that I do still give these men respect though. I'm not trying to hurt their businesses or steal away their clientele. I have no admiration or esteem for them though.

In the end, we all try to pick the path that we feel is best for us. Naturally, sometimes that leads us to feel that people, who pick other paths, have chosen the wrong one. However, even if you feel that I'm evil there is no use in us debating, or trying to indoctrinate each other. Can't we all just show a little respect?

Ist Brüno!

In a recent conversation with my father, he called Sacha Baron Cohen "a bad man". He was highly offended that "this man is making a huge profit off of gay-bashing and perpetuating an unfairly dramatized stereotype of gay men." I love my dad and I find it really sweet that he is so protective of me.

So I almost felt bad when I decided to go to the midnight showing of Bruno last night.


**Disclaimer** This is not a movie review. I will only say that I have never laughed so hard or been more offended because of a movie. When it was over I was still laughing and smiling. It was worth every cent.

I've said it before, but midnight showings are one of my favorite things in the the world. Todd hates them, but he was a good sport and went anyway. (He probably thought that by going to Bruno, I would let him off the hook of seeing Harry Potter 6 next Tuesday at midnight..... he is so wrong :)

It was a complete and total fiasco from the beginning.

1) Tickets and IDs. We were meeting our friends at the theater but we got there a little bit before them. We went ahead and got in line to buy our tickets. When our turn came the employee asked to see our IDs. Now, this wasn't a huge shocker for me, but I did find it funny that they needed to see Todd's. I thought all the scruff on his face would have been a good sign that he surpassed the 17 years old restriction for R-rated films. We got our tickets and walked inside where they tear your ticket and direct you to your auditorium. Again they asked to see our IDs. This has never happened to me, but I just went with it. Finally we get to the auditorium and there is another employee checking ticket stubs and IDs for a third time. I still am not quite sure why they went to such lengths to be sure we were old enough, but the whole ordeal really did hype the movie for me.

2) Sociology. The auditorium filled up pretty quickly. Our friends showed up. There were other people that we recognized and were excited to see. Still, there were others that we were not so excited to see.
Slowly it became clear that Bruno was bringing in a VERY diverse crowd: jocks, fag hags, fag haters, fags, preps, nerds, married couples, loners, and those kids that look/smell like they don't shower. The only common factor was that we were all young. It made for an interesting and kind of fun vibe.

3) Technical Difficulties. We noticed during the previews that for about 15 minutes, the theater equipment was not working right. The ads were only being projected in blue and green hues. That problem was fixed though and the movie went on. Everything was fine and we were enjoying ourselves. Then about half way through the movie, the film goes upside down and the audio is being played backwards. Then it just shuts off. The manager comes in and announces that it will take about 20 minutes to fix this problem.

4) Twenty (40) Minute Intermission. As an apology from the theater to us, we all got free re-fills on our drinks and free movie passes. We spent this time wondering through the halls of the theater, using the restrooms (multiple times if your bladder is as small as mine), and collecting our free shit. It must have taken them a lot longer than they thought to fix the problem but finally they did get it back up and running. We finished the movie and went home.

I thoroughly enjoyed our crazy night. If nothing else, some good did come out of last night; we now have free movie passes so Todd has no excuse not to come see Harry Potter 6 next Tuesday at midnight with me!

A Smorgasbord Of Thoughts

What did the world do without Facebook and text messaging?

I really should start reading again.

Getting up in the morning is harder than ever before.

Yes, gay men typically are more attractive than straight men.

I hate moving.

Although it sometimes feels like I know them, I probably should not refer to bloggers that I have never talked to, as "my friends". It only enhances my loner-ness.

I make an excellent cheesecake.

The 4th of July is just like the majority of the other 365 days of the year.

I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. His comfort never fails me.

I wish I had the power to nuke Michigan sometime this month.

I hate to admit it, but Paris Hilton is gorgeous, even before the nose job.

For the first time in my life, I'm really excited for the 24th of July.

An uneventful/unproductive day will put me in a really bad mood.

AZ weather is best appreciated from in a swimming pool.

Purple is quickly becoming a favorite color of mine.

I'm poor.

I cry too much. It's a selfish expression.

I want a girls' night with my sisters and my mother so badly.

Fear rarely keeps me from stepping out of my comfort zone.

Sometimes I feel so inadequate and untalented when I compare myself to the people that I am closest to. Then I remember that they need me just as much as I need them, and I discover my talents and realize just how exceptional I am.

I'm sick of movies.

Why are kisses in the rain magically a hundred times better than the average?

I still have small, random shreds of internalized homophobia. I blame Change Therapy.

(Don't take this one the wrong way. I do NOT have any desire to dress in women's clothing.) I'm envious that girls have such versatile wardrobe/cosmetic/coiffure options.

My desire for food is usually less than my eagerness to spend money on it. So I settle for Top Ramen.

I haven't lost my passion for running; only my ability to do it well.

Officially I Am Gay

Todd had a surprise for me!
All week he has said, "If you get home soon enough than I can surprise you."
He knows that nothing will drive me crazy like a surprise. I hate being surprised. I sucked it up though and tried not to bug him every five minutes about what he had planned for me.

Today I got home from work at 10 a.m. and immediately started harassing him about what we would be doing. Personally, I think he tried to string me along until he thought I might explode with the frustration of not knowing. Finally he told me it was time to go. I got in the car and immediately started freaking out about the possible places we could be going.

Then we arrived.

Todd took me to do the gayest thing I have ever done... Really... bar NONE... the gayest...
And I LOVED IT :)

We both got mani-pedis (That's a "manicure and a pedicure" for all of you boys that are reading but trying to pretend you are too straight to know what that means). It was one of the best things I have ever done. As I've mentioned before, I'm really embarrassed of my feet.

When I worked at the Biosphere2 we used lots of a mild acid. Although it claimed to be "mild" it was strong enough to eat through my shoes and leave my feet soaking in this acid all day. The burns healed after a few months.

Calloused. Scared. Cracked. Gross, I know.

But I am here to testify of the power of a pedicure. First of all, it felt amazing. Secondly, it gave me gay-points (those are like brownie-points, except gay-points only matter to other gays {Oh, and another fun fact; it takes exactly 20567 gay-points to be Officially Gay}). Lastly, I will now go as far as to say that my feet are CUTE. Practically a miracle. It was/is amazing! Thanks Todd.

Phone Calls, The Followers, A Film, A Farwell and My Father

So Sunday was my old buddy Scott's farewell. He is one of the only friends that I lost in the process of coming out and unfortunately he was the friend that probably meant the most. I've talked a lot about him (here, here and here).
Last week I realized that his farewell must be coming up soon. I called some mutual friends of ours, most of whom replied, "I love you Austin, but I'm not sure that you going would be such a good idea." So finally, I grew some balls, and texted Scott directly and asked when his farewell was. I half expected to be ignored, so the text that came five minutes later caught me off guard.
"The 28th at 1pm. Be there."
I was shocked but happy. I didn't set any expectations for what kind of a situation the 28th at 1pm would bring. I was just taking the text for what it was: the end of a silent grudge match.

Saturday

My mom called (she doesn't know how to work iTunes). The chitchat was trival until she asked if I was bringing Todd to Scott's farewell. I told her that I was planning on it.

Mom's Reasons To Leave Todd At Home

• It is Scott's special day so his bigotry should be tolerated (That's the gist of her idea in my words)


• Don't rub it in people's faces (Is everyone really just that jealous of what me and Todd have? :)


• This is not the time or place to promote your political ideology (My only intention was to go to church with my significant other. When did that become a political statement? Why can straight couples do normal things, like go to church, and not be accused of making a statement?)

I told her I would probably still bring Todd because I felt her reasons weren't good enough. I hung up and within five minutes my dad called. He asked me if I was bringing Todd to Scott's farewell. I told him I was planning on it.

Dad's Reasons To Leave Todd At Home

• It is Scott's special day so his bigotry should be tolerated
  
• Don't rub it in people's faces
• This is not the time or place to promote your political ideology

Look familiar? I was so frustrated with the whole situation that I just hung up on Dad. I know really mature, right? I just had to get away from all the bull shit.

Later that night Todd and I needed to go to Bookmans. We got to the intersection where Bookmans is, and me saw a rally. There were big banners that said things like "Heaven or HELL? It's your choice," and "God did NOT make Adam & STEVE." There were about fifty people or so chanting religious propaganda. We had our windows down and he could hear that some of them had megaphones and were shouting in Spanish. We just laughed to ourselves about this. How do people like that even remotely think that is what Christ would do? Do they really believe that saying things like that is going to make any homosexual want to change the way he lives his life? In fact, I would bet that by attaching the name of Jesus Christ to such harsh and hurtful messages, they are only damaging homosexuals' view of what kind of man our Savior really is. Yet they claim to be His followers. More bull shit.

Later we were in the car, blasting Lady Gaga, and singing at the top of our lungs. A truck pulled up along side us. There were three guys in the cab that looked like they belonged in the religious rally we'd seen earlier. One of them stuck his head out of the passenger window and mimicked our dance moves. We just smiled and sang louder... until I had an idea.
I grabbed Todd's face and kissed him.
The guy looked like he had seen someone be shot.
It was awesome.
The light turned green and we drove off.

Sunday

So I finally did it. I watched Prayers For Bobby. SUCH a good movie! I'll just say that it addressed every point possible. It's simply amazing.
I hope and pray that someday my parents will see it with open and softened hearts. I want to send it to them, but I know that they would not watch it in the right spirit. It has to come from someone that they trust... which is hard since my mother refuses to talk to anyone about the fact that I'm gay.

I went to Scott's farewell. Alone. Todd was a good sport and we decided it would be best if he stayed home. The farewell was good. Scott came up to me after sacrament meeting and thanked me for coming. He had a big smile and tried to make small talk. The way that he was acting; I almost thought his next question was going to be, "Why haven't we hung out in so long? I've missed you!" I was just so lost in his false facade. Whatever.

I pulled my dad aside after the service and apologized. I told him how sorry I was for the way I had reacted. The more I had thought about it, the more respect I had for him. All he was doing was trying to please my mother. He defends her and backs her up 100%. I can't be mad at him for trying to be a good husband. I respect him so much and hope to be a fraction as good as he is.

Consolidation

I have five posts ready to go up... yuck. See, I go days without anything to blog about... AND then! a magical day comes along and brings material for FIVE posts.
So I'm consolidating.
Warning: It's still super long.

Killjoy:
A few weeks ago I talked Todd into going to Forbidden, the gay club. My excitement level was much more than his. It had been months since I'd been, and I was ready to dance.

**Side Note** I hate... sorry... HATE... driving. I fall asleep at the wheel more than I'd like to admit, and it only gets worse for me at night. Todd likes to drive, so I let him!

Since Todd was going to drive, he wouldn't be able to drink. So I didn't drink either.
The fun of going to a gay club is to be crazy, dance and be uninhibited. Therefore the level of fun at Forbidden is maximized by 100% times the ounces of alcohol consumed.

We arrived just after midnight, so there was a healthy amount of people. We ran into four of my friends. We danced for 3 songs. Todd is a great dancer. I was totally inhibited. I felt trashy/dirty being there. I was ready to go.
So we ended up leaving about twenty minutes after getting there.

We ended up going to McDonald's and getting Apple Pies and going home early to watch a movie...
This was one of the most fun ideas we ever had.
Am I getting too old to enjoy the social scene at 19? Am I already losing touch?


Sunday Sacrifice:
So this past Sunday was Fathers' Day. I realized this the Wednesday before. I had totally forgotten. So I called my dad to subtly find out what he wanted. He said, "Well it would be really nice to see you guys at church."
It has been about two months since I've been to church. I used to be so good about it, but then I realized that there are other things a boy can do on Sunday besides sit in a pew.
Lately I had been talking about going again, so it was a good excuse for me to actually do it.

I was worried about two things
1- How Todd would take this Father's Day gift suggestion.
2- How my mom would react if her gay son showed up and church with his boyfriend.

So point #1. I've always told Todd that I would never pressure him to go to Church. If I got back in the habit then he would be more than welcome to come with me, but I would never ask him to come. I just have this weird thing about pushing my beliefs on other people.
So I got home one day and Todd asked me what we were going to give my dad for Father's Day. I told him what dad had asked for. He just smiled and said he could do that. (I love this boy!) Then Todd brought up Point #2.

Point #2. My mother is supper embarrassed that anyone would find out that her son is gay. This fact makes my stomach roll. I'm upset that she's embarrassed her son is different, but not hurting anyone. I'm sad that I've made my mother embarrassed. I'm flippant and I'm spreading the news that I'm gay anyway.
So I'm sure that everyone in my parents ward knows that I'm gay (Facebook works better than a press conference), but they don't discuss it with my parents. So my mother lives in the illusion everyone in the ward is oblivious.
So when my dad said, "it would be really nice to see you guys at church," I wondered if he had thought this through.

Regardless, we went to church.
With in the first 10 minutes of the 45 minute drive (My parents live in the boonies) two big rocks shattered my windshield on the freeway. Great. One more thing to fix. But we were stalwart and kept going.
We got there during the opening song. We peeked our heads into the chapel and my dad (the bishop) saw us right away and had the biggest smile I've ever seen! He looked like my nephews do on Christmas morning. Then I saw where my mom and sister's family were sitting and we took a seat on their bench. During the opening prayer I kept my eyes open (yeah I know, I'm going to hell) and saw the tears pouring down my mother's face, and the endless smile on my father's.
I was worried that my mother's tears were coming from her embarrassment or worry of what others would think. Or worse, out of anger at me for coming with Todd.
The tears did not end until half way through the first speaker's talk. Then she was all smiles and giggles. After sacrament she thanked me for coming and she was cordial with Todd.
Dad gave me a big hug and told me how much he loves me and how excited he was to see me. I'm always impressed with the way that he treats Todd. He stepped out of the room, into the foyer to find Todd, shake his hand and shoot the breeze.
In the car we agreed that church had actually been enjoyable, and if nothing else, it was totally worth it just to see my dad's smile.


Linger Longer: Gay Style:
After church on Sunday, and the mandatory-Sunday-afternoon-nap, Todd had to go to work.
One of his side jobs is accompanying an LGBT choir in the valley. They had a performance at Icepics, a gay bar, for Show Tunes Sunday (it is the bar's busiest night).

The choir did a good job.

Todd played beautifully.

Todd and I got hit on by a few older gays.

I got free Jell-o Shots.

I got to hang out with some awesome people.

So the point is, maybe I'm not losing touch. Maybe I'm not getting too old for social things. I liked this after church activity. So what is the difference between my Icepics and Forbidden experiences? Well I did have alcohol at Icepics which I'm sure did play a role, but there were other factors. I didn't have to deal with guys trying to grope me on the dance floor. There were no nearly-naked boys running around. There were so stripper poles. The music was not blowing out my ear drums....
Ok so maybe I am old, but I think this may be what it feels like to settle down.


My Place's Plague:
As I mentioned here I am living with KC in a place of our own. Everything has been going great. We get along so well. It has really become a place worth living in.

Until the bugs.

When we first moved in we noticed that there were a few little move in bugs. Nothing big, just a few small bugs here and there. We let the complex people know and they promised to spray the apartment.
The day after they sprayed, we kept seeing bugs. So we took matters into our own hands. We noticed a gap between the threshold and the bottom of our front door, so we got a spacer to attach to the door and fill the gap. We put roach hotels with poison in them all over the house. We even got these little sonic sound things that you plug in the wall to repel bugs.
It seemed to be working! Success! No bugs for a few days or so.

But then Sunday came, and I got the call.

KC: Austin!

I can tell she's been crying

Me: Yes?

KC: We kind of have a problem...

Me: uh-oh... Did I leave the stove on and burn our apartment down? Did I leave the shower on and flood the place?

KC: No. I wish

Why would she want to ruin our beautiful place!?!? I just stay silent because I'm caught off guard.

KC: I went to get into bed and they were there.

Me: KC I don't understand you. What did you see?

I'm thinking at this point... "Holy shit-balls, my room mate just got raped and is barely hanging on to life!"

KC: Bed Bugs.

Cue jaw drop.

Me: .... Holy shit-balls.

We have bed bugs. I'm so disgruntle. The pest control came and inspected and told us that this is a pre-existing problem with the apartment and KC nor I brought them in.
We are getting a third-party mediator involved to help us break our lease 11 months early. We also Are fighting to get out rent money and deposit back. KC thinks that we can even try to get a stipend for new mattresses. I'm not holding my breath. I just want to get out of there. KC is already apartment shopping again.

So where do I go?

KC says that I can move into the new apartment (where ever that will be) and she won't raise rent on me since it was already negotiated.

But then again there is always moving into my Home...


Just A Comment...:
Here is my selfish post.

I know that there are people reading this blog. I can see that there are.
I write this blog for myself to get my thoughts written out. Its my journal of sorts.
I have gotten a ton of e-mails lately, which I do my best to reply quickly to.
I do have to admit that my favorite part is when people give feed back. Knowing that other people care about what I have to say means a LOT to me.
So if you have a blog, or not; if you follow my blog, or not; if I know you or not... Please Leave A Comment.

Hahaha, and I mean comment on other posts. Ones that I've already put up or ones to come. I'm not trying to get 2000 comments on just this one post. :)

I love you guys, my loyal readers. You make me feel a little bit less self-conscious and a lot more confidant. Thank you for that.

Prince Toddy Bear

For my 40th post I want to do something real special.

When I started this blog I told myself that I wouldn't ever do something like this, but it has become nearly impossible to be authentic in my posts without doing this. I have a couple of posts that I'm ready to put up, but I need to do this first.

I'm ready to introduce the blogging world to someone very important in my life.

Everyone, say Hi to Todd!
(He's on the left... I'm his right hand man ;)

Those of you that are friends with me on Facebook, or have talked to me in the past 2 months have probably heard me brag lots already about this boy. However, allow me to continue on this post :)

Todd is an artist and musician who blesses my life with the beauty he brings to it. He works for a wide range of theater companies through out the valley, designing sets, playing the piano, and instructing classes. He has an endless list of side jobs that keep him busy and smiling.

More than that though, he is a really sweet guy. He is the first to lend a hand to help someone in need. He's open minded and can see from other people's perspectives. He understands what I'm going through as a gay Mormon, because he's going through it too. Its amazing to have someone that understands my culture and beliefs. Even though they may not be the same. He supports me.

He would do anything for me. He's already proven that.

I would do anything for him. I'm trying to show him that every day.

It feels like that story the princess and the frog.... except its the prince and the frog :)
He sees my warts and all of my faults, yet he sees my potential too. He's willing to take a big risk on me. Then he brings out the best in me.

O.K. Now I feel super cliche with all of this and I hate bragging about him where he can see it. ;)
But now you guys are all clued into the best thing in my world.

The title of this post was purposefully chosen in an attempt to embarrass this boy that is impossible to embarrass.
We'll see how it works. :)

Everyone Pick A Letter Before They're All Used Up... Twice

If you were to ask me what the best thing about being gay is, I would say the sense of community that comes with it. For sure.
But what do we call this Community?
This week I learned that there is an interesting disagreement on this. :)

GLB:

This is the first acronym that I ever remember hearing about. Gays, Lesbians, and Bisexuals. I don't really even believe in bisexuals, but they got their name in the initialism before I even came out.

LGBT:

Then I came out, and spent time with other gay people and I kept hearing this new acronym. Transgender is a new addition. I guess there is some argument over whether the G or L should come first. Personally, I say put the L first. It just flows better, plus I'm still a bit old fashioned; ladies first.

LGBTQ:

I got involved with helping a group here in the valley called 1n10 and noticed that they had added a "Q" (sometimes a "U" or just a "?") to the end for Questioning. So people that are not comfortable to come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender... and may possibly be straight... can still feel at home in our community.

LGBTQI:

Kathy Griffin was brilliant on Larry King!!!! On his show she made a reference to LGBTQI. She explained that "I" stood for Intersex but could not explain what that meant. A quick trip to Wikipedia gave me more information and visuals (literally... there were pictures) than I needed or wanted. In short, an intersexual person is a heraphrodite.

LGBTQIA:

PFLAG coined this term. This was probably the first time that I thought, "hmmm... that feels like a LOT of letters for one initialism." But "A" stands for Allies so I was willing to accept it.

LGBTQQIA:

Ok so THIS "Q" was added to stop any other letters from being added. It stands for Queer. I wasn't sure at first why it was needed since we already have gay, and lesbian in the acronym. I found out though, that its supposed to just be an umbrella term to cover all the non-traditional-sexual groups.
However, this didn't work as planed.


Sometimes other groups like to make sure their voice is heard and add their letter into the mix.

An additional T

Transvestites and Transexuals have been placed under the same category of Transgender, but they feel that their issues are different enough to require separate letters.

O

Omnisexuals (or pansexuals) are often mistaken for bisexuals but they would also like to be separated. Bisexuals are attracted to both men and women. Omnisexuals are attracted to people. They call themselves gender blind. Man, woman, or intersexual; there is no difference to an omnisexual.

An additional A

Asexual individuals do not experience any kind of attraction to anyone. I suppose it is the opposite of an omnisexual. I'm not sure why they would want to be listed amongst the ranks of such sexualized groups, but apparently there is a cry for it because they wish to have their "A" added to the acronym as well.

P

Polysexuality. This is the belief in a multiple partner relationship..........
ok I draw the line here...

If we satisfy every group we end up saying that we are part of the

LGBTTQQIOPAA community.

What happened to equality and unity and what not? Why are we separating ourselves further by adding more and more letters?
Don't misunderstand me. I believe that there is a need for EVERY group to have a voice, but we have to make a choice in order to be effective. Unite as one voice or Split up and address each groups individual needs separately.
I'm in favor of the later option. We are just too diverse of a group, looking for different things, to function as a collective unit.

I feel like we are just hurting each other by tying ourselves to one another. We each have our own battles to fight and issues to deal with.

• Transgenders have to worry about what public bathroom is acceptable for them to use.
• Some Polysexuals fight for the legalization of plural marriages.
• Intersexuals have to deal with gender labels.

Those are just some of the things I will never have to deal with.
So what is my community?
I friends in nearly all of these groups. I like all of my friends but my question is more of "who can I stand by and join them in their fight for rights?"

I would have to say that my community would look more like LGA (lesbians, gays and allies).
This isn't necessarily because I don't believe that all the other groups issues are not valid. Frankly, some I just do not understand.


But why are people trying to link us all together?

I'm Embarrassed...

• That I'm only 19... for the next 3 months
• About my job (I'm a window cleaner)
• Of my social awkwardness in large groups
  
• About my laugh
• Of the amount in my bank account
  
• That I have a non-muscular physique
  
• Talking about sex
• That I didn't serve a mission
• Of my feet (I blame the Biosphere)
  
• That I voted "yes" on Prop 102
• Of my ghetto car
• To dance sober
• Of how emotionally sensitive I am
  
• Of my past
• My musical inability
• That I'm still attending a Community College
• That I don't have perfect, clear skin
  

Austin's My New Hott Mess

Yes Todd, if you read this post, I stole it directly from you :)

So I know that some of you watched RuPaul's Drag Race. If you, like me, missed out, you should log on to LOGO.com right now and catch up on the whole season.

Why do/did we like Drag Race?
Because it is a GUARANTEED HOTT MESS.We enjoy the sporadic fights that broke out over nothing. The melt downs that were triggered by petty offenses. The rare touching moments. The bitching.... It was just so surreal that it was laughable and brought an hour of joy into our lives.

But now it is over.
:(

So what is a queer to do?
Four words and one acronym.

Paris Hilton's My New BFF

A new Hott Mess has graced the scene. MTV is now housing the craziest, most obnoxious, worse-than-you-can-imagine, show. Once again though, we find pleasure it knowing that our lives are so much (I hate to say "better than" or "more normal" since those seems like relative judgments.... but....) better than or more normal compared to than we may have thought other wise.

Its terrible.
But we love it!

One of the contestants, Stephen, is the only boy but brings half of the entertainment. Labeled as "The Gay Mormon" I had high hopes that he would be a public figure to shed a good light on all of us Homo-Momos. However, this typical gay seems to bring more laughs through his ditzy-persona than to be a serious public representitive.

So, moral of the blog:If you are looking for some low quality entertainment tonight that will keep you laughing all week long, check out the newest Hott Mess on T.V.
:)

There's No Place Like Home, Home, or Home.

Drum roll please.
*bum dum rum*
*bum dum rum*
*bum dum rum*

I've been officially moved out of my parents house for a week now!
**TA DA**

Well, in reality I moved out like a month ago. But now it is official!

Now I feel like I have 3 homes though.

The House

My parents say I'm always welcome in their home. Which I believe. To an extent. Warning: yes I know the following is a run-on sentence and an immature rant.
As long as I put on an act and pretend to be someone that I'm not, so that my family can feel comfortable in their little-piece-of-heaven-on-earth, even though my actions would would in no way defile their safe-haven more than my sisters' non-temple weddings already have, but in their eyes its different because MY actions challenge all of the prejudices that they've had and been able to hold on to and never question because, until now, it has never directly effected them, so instead of growing up and stop discriminating against me they would rather ignore it and have me impersonate the son they wish they had. *sigh*

Home

In contrast to my parents house in Queen Creek, Home is directly in the middle of civilization. It sits on that fuzzy line between Phoenix, Scottsdale, and Tempe. This is where I'm the happiest. I've lived here for the past month and still spend most of my time here. Someday I'll officially move in here.

My Place

This is where most of my stuff is for the next two and a half months. I'm subletting this apartment with a super sweet girl, KC, for the summer. I'm literally less then a mile from the heart of ASU campus and the Light-Rail System runs practically past my front door. I love that I have empty space and bare walls for me to make my own. I work in the mornings, and KC works at night. So between our mismatched schedules, and the time I spend at Home, I have a true sense of independence. Its liberating. Even though I'm not really on my own, I feel like this is the experience that was my goal to acquire anyway.

Daddy's Child

I love my father. More than that, I like him and I have a good relationship with him.
It seems that this is a rare statement to be heard among gay men.

The other day I was having car troubles (actually I still am *sad face*) and my dad agreed to help take a look at it. After looking it over for a couple of hours we gave up. We put the tools away and went inside. When we got inside I saw him smiling. After such frustrating work on my car, that yielded no results, in the AZ 105 degree heat, I saw little to smile over. I finally got frustrated and asked, "What are you so smirking about?"
His smile just got bigger and he said, "I just like you a lot."
I forgot about my irritation with my car. Too often I feel like I have just been one big disappointment to my parents, so hearing things like that send me into shock.
In spite of everything, my dad is still proud of me.

I fully expect that my kids will give me just as much grief that I've put my parents through. I want to raise my kids to be better than me however. I think that is every parent's hope though. I will encourage them to set high goals and standards for themselves, and reach them.
Obviously I do not expect, or even hope for, perfection from my children. My past/present decisions will help me to have understanding and compassion for my children no matter what.
I don't worry too much about it though. I feel like open communication is key to any relationship. My children will be smart individuals with parents that are involved in their lives.

Fathers that LOVE and ACCEPT them so matter what.

Use Protection

Remember when you were 5 and you asked your parents where babies came from? Most of us who were curious enough to ask got some bull shit answer like " a stork" or "its just what mommies do". Or remember when your fish/bird/cat/dog died and your parents told you that it went to live in the ocean/on a farm?

Now, I'm sure that someone out there will say that their mom and dad were different and instead taught them the facts of life early on. However I feel that most of you can relate. I think most Mormon parents, like mine, tend to "Protect" their children by shielding them from the harsh realities of life. There were things going on around me that my parents believed were too much for me to handle or understand. So instead of giving me solid, real, answers, they chose to "Protect" me.

They did this in 3 ways.

1. Pacifying me by give me a fictitious answer that I would except as "truth" and get me to stop asking.
   
2. Give me only half of the truth and ignore the uncomfortable nitty-gritty details.
   
3. Completely ignore the fact that I had asked such a question.

They did this because, honestly, they felt in their hearts that it was in my best interest to do so.



I chose to protect my parents, because I honestly felt in my heart that it was in their best interest for me to do so.

Seventeen days ago (the day before I left for my California get-away) my parents confronted me about my blog. My mother wanted to know if I was "living a double life on this blog of [mine]".
No mom. Kim Possible lives a double life. Severus Snape lived a double life. I lived a double life my senior year when I was too afraid to tell you (or anyone for that matter) that I had a boyfriend. But not anymore...

I've been completely open with my parents about the fact that I'm gay and that I have no desire to change my orientation or to be celibate. I have let them know how I feel about certain issues (the Church, gay marriage and families, God, ect.)

But there were things in my life that I wanted to "Protect" them from. There were things that were going on in my life that I believed were too much for them to handle or understand. But in my effort to "Protect I decided that my parents three ways of handling my questions were not effective. I would "Protect" by avoiding topics like sex, drinking and tattoos, but be honest with them if they asked. I knew, however, that they wouldn't ask because they didn't want the answers to such questions. Easy enough right?

I'm sad that I can't "Protect" them from the realities of my life, but its ok that they know. I'm completely open and honest here on my blog and I have it set to public for a reason.

I found out where babies come from and what really happened to Lucy, the dog. My parents got their answers too.

Controversial Header

I had an interesting conversation with a reader of my blog the other day. This gay-LDS-reader from California expressed his views of... I'm not even sure. Whether he wanted to stay celibate or marry a woman, I have no idea but regardless, he did not agree with my plans for my future.
The conversation started nice enough but quickly turned bitter. However I do have to admit that this mystery reader did make a good point:

"I find it a bit odd that you have this really hot almost naked guy as your chat title and it says "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." Are you really trying to find your way or have you figured it out and now just trying to get enough support to believe what you want vs. what you may still believe but that doesn't really go in line with what you feel? If I may be so bold as to ask?"

Alright. Here I go. First off, yes I do have a hottie at the top of my blog. In fact if you haven't noticed yet I change my Header Man on the first of every month. I figure this is like a magazine and it deserves a new "cover" each month.

Yes the subtitle of my blog does say "A young gay Mormon trying to find his way." I chose those words very carefully. I wanted to express who I am and what I'm doing here in the blog-o-sphere.

Am I trying to find my way or have I already figured it out? I believe that for the most part, I know the course that my life will take. I have spent years deliberating and trying to figure out what I, and the Lord, feel would be best for me and my future. I've thought about changing that subtitle, now that my future path has become more clear, but am I done trying to find my way? Absolutely not. I still have many more years (hopefully) to live and with that will come struggles, trials and road blocks. Life is a journey and we are all trying to find the way. I'm taking it one step at a time, with my head up and looking ahead.

Yes, I do like getting comments that give me support. I admit it! But not so that I can "believe what I want to." We as humans LOVE to be affirmed. We like having a sense of community. People like talking and listening to others who have similar struggles, beliefs, culture, and even sexual attractions. The reader that posed this question goes to church every week to be affirmed (or as he put it "believe what he wants to") and I blog.

That last part makes me giggle. I assure you that what I believe goes right in line with what I feel, and vice versa. If I didn't know for sure that what I'm doing was the best thing for me, why would I do it? Because I like losing the positive relationships that I had with my family? Because I like knowing that my "friends" are talking badly about me? Or maybe its just because I like all of the attention. Those of you that know me, on a personal level, know that I am highly social but do not enjoy being the center of attention. It makes me quite uncomfortable and anxious. I do know what is best for me. In spite of all of the shit that comes along with being openly gay, I get to be happier than I ever have been too. That makes up for everything else.

One Year Older And Wiser Too.

I've been out for ONE year now!

On the night of May 13, 2008, I told my father that I was gay. He told my mother later that night.
It was not until two or three weeks later that they actually associated the word "gay" with me, rather than just saying that I had "experimented".

This year was been quite the journey. That first month in and of its self was turbulent. I crawled out of the closet and had my first real look at myself. I actually called myself gay for the first time out loud, and no lightning came to strike me down. I was excited to share the feelings and thoughts that I'd been isolating in my head. I was dramatically depressed about not being able to serve a mission.

The rest of the year slowly got better. I wanted to change so bad and be the "normal LDS young man" and marry a woman. I went to therapy and got my hopes up. Shortly after starting, I realized it wasn't going to work. I'd signed up to CHANGE, and all they could promise me was for my gay feelings to "go down" and to "create" feelings for the opposite gender.
I wanted to quit therapy right then and there in that moment of realization, but therapy offered me something else. Not change, but a time to talk about my feelings in a non-judgmental environment. I had no one to talk to till then. My family didn't get it, or want to hear about it. I knew no gays (let alone gay Mormons). So even talking about the "negative" aspects of homosexuality with a therapist was still talking and I was able to get my feelings out in the open.

But I had just come out of the closet, and I was being asked to step back in. It was traumatic. There were a few times that I just had to sneak out it. This life of hiding and sneaking was miserable and unhealthy.

After nine months of therapy I came out again. This time I was running out of the closet. I'm so grateful for all of the friends that helped me get there.

Today I am happier than I have ever been. I can breath in the open air! I can look myself in the mirror without any regret. I don't worry about letting people see who I really am.
I know God. He loves me.

Blissful Bigot

To my family: I know you all are reading my blog by now. I'm going to continue writing the way I always have. I wish that you would stop checking in on this blog, or reading its content, but I can't really make you do anything.
In any case this specific post is NOT angled towards any of you in anyway

Gayness

"It has nothing to do with the Church's beliefs or doctrines. Its a question of moral integrity."

It amazes me that some people with priesthood callings in the Church are even further behind the times then the men who run it. Even they admit that my feelings are real.

The way that I have felt since I was just a little kid is a question of moral integrity? Now if you were to say that I'm immoral for sleeping with a boy before marriage then I might buy that. But to say that all homosexuals are in violation of moral laws/ codes of ethics, because we find ourselves attracted solely to members of our same gender.... that's hurtful. What did I do to bring this on me?

NOTHING

Yet you are ready to judge. This is something you have no experience with or understanding of.
What's more... You aren't even trying to understand. You are happy with being a bigot.
Ignorance is bliss I suppose.

Who's Confused?

I'm in California this week. Just before I left though, my parents tried to explain why they didn't want me to bring my boyfriend to Sunday Family Night Dinner.
"We are concerned. I mean the kids (my siblings) are just worried about... well you know. We just worry that the boys (my nephews) will... get confused."

Really? Do they think that I'll be making out with my boyfriend/fiance/husband at the dinner table? I DO hate the idea of having to hide my love for my significant other when my siblings don't have to. I feel like pretending that we are "room mates" or "best friends" only makes it seem like I condone the intolerance and prejudices that gays are fighting so hard to over come.
BUT I'm not a disrespectful twat. I want to be involved in my nieces' and nephews' lives. If that means that I have to live the "room mate" lie, then so be it. Even though I feel it is totally wrong to do that (it makes it seem like I am ashamed or embarrassed of who I am, the form my love takes, who I love, and what my life is), I can't control the way my siblings raise their children or what they want to "Shield" their children from. My choice then becomes whether I want to be involved in their lives or be forced out.

Really!? What kind of confusion are they talking about?
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be gay? If that is what they meant, then they really still do not get why gay men are gay. I thought they were beyond this point. If my nephews (or nieces for that matter) view a healthy and happy relationship between my partner and I, that will not change their sexual orientation. I was not exposed to any gay relationships growing up. Guess what! I'm still gay. And being gay is not the same as being curious.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to be sexually curious? If this is what they meant then they don't understand where curiosities come from. This is in Psychology 101.
We as humans are curious about things that we don't understand. Hearing about, having impersonal interactions, or brief encounters with something (gay relationships) a persons curiosity will peek. This is due to a mystification that is caused by having a distance from, or ignorance of, this same something (gay relationships). If we gain information or have a close relationship with this something (gay relationships) however, we demystify the topic and extinguish the curiosity.
In other words my nephews are growing up in a more accepting time period. They will hear about gay relations and have more potential to be curious about trying gay sex, than if I were open and my relationship was just accepted.
Do they think that I will cause my nephews to question what is right and what is wrong? Who cares? This is my life. You cannot know what I'm going through. I try to deal with what's mine the best I know. I live the way I know that I should. I'm sorry if you think that I should be living differently. It is a parents job to teach their children in their home, what they have interpreted to be right and wrong. So how long do you teach your children that your family is perfect, and that we don't have ANY disagreements on what is right and what is wrong? Reality is going to be quite a shock. It will be hard to explain why it is wrong for Uncle Austin to be married to a man and yet he is happy. I would prefer that they just tell their kids that it is wrong that I got married outside of the temple, but then I'm not the only one in the family with fault.
Do they think that my marriage would confuse them? All of my sisters have been married outside of the temple. Are my nieces and nephews being taught that those marriages are less important, and not as good? I was happy for all of my sisters when they got married. At times I truly felt that they were ruining their lives, but I had to wave away that thought, because they were happy. (Never did I question if it was "true-happiness", because it is not my place to determine whether or not someone else is TRULY HAPPY or not.) I was happy for them.
When my cousin Brad got married my parents took me to the wedding. It was in a beautiful not-LDS church somewhere. I was happy for my cousin and enjoyed the service and reception afterwards. When we went home that night my parents taught me their beliefs about marriage. So because mine will involve two grooms is it that much different than that situation?
Bottom line: Life IS confusing. If you think that my beliefs, clashing with your beliefs, will confuse your child, then be a good parent and try to guide them the best you can. But in the end the child will get to choose what he or she interprets to be right and wrong and that is not my fault.

REALLY!?!? Do you know what it would have been like for me to have someone to go to when I was learning to accept my sexuality? I would have given anything to have someone to talk to. Once Tiffani was gone I have no one in my life that understood what I was going through. I felt so much self-hatred, needless shame, and fear. I had this dream scenario of an actively gay and LDS man coming to tell me that I wasn't broken. I needed this affirmation-man so badly. I doubt that I would have turned to my first boy in High School and had sex. I didn't want to have sex; I wasn't super sexually curious. All I wanted was this affirmation-man to let me know that my God still loved me. That I was perfect just the way that I was. My first boy was able to tell me those things.
If by some chance one of my nephews turns out to be gay too, I hope to God that I am there and close enough to him, that I can be that affirmation-man for him. I would want to tell him that his life IS worth living, and I know that because I've been where he is.

Really family? Really.

Reunion

When I was six or so I met Tiffani. She treated me like a little prince from the day I met her. She pampered me and loved me. She was about 15 years older than me. She had a strong personality. She was beautiful. She was gay.

She was a very close family friend. My Saturdays were spent hanging out with her. I spent more time in the summers at her house than at my own. I would wake up early before school to go on bike rides with her. We went shopping together. If nothing else, she exposed me to Jamba Juice... so that should tell you just how cool she is :)

I was started to discover that I was gay when I turned 13 and I wanted to talk to her about it more than anything, but I had an unfounded fear that she would tell some one in my family that I was gay. Even though my family outwardly seemed to be ok with Tiff's sexual orientation, I knew that they would not be as cool about me coming out. Instead I sat back down in the closet and just observed this remarkable woman live her life unafraid of what others might think.

Then, just before I turned 14, Tiffani stepped out of my life without any warning. I was distraught. My best friend had abandoned me. The only one who knew what it was like to have "this gay thing" inside of me. It hurt so badly that I just worked my way further into the back of the closet to cry. I didn't want to associate with the woman that, it felt, had given up on me. I didn't want to be gay.

Years went by and I thought a lot about Tiffani. I never tried to contact her. I was sure that she had forgotten me long ago.

I got outed. I went to change therapy. I left change therapy. I came out.

Then two nights ago we went out to dinner.

She's the one that contacted me set up the dinner date. Apparently one of my sisters had talked to Tiffani recently and mentioned that I was gay, to which she responded, "Duh, we talked about that when he was nine, remember? I just worried that he'd never come out and accept himself."

I didn't realize how hurt and how much animosity I still had for her until I was standing face to face with her at her condo entrance. We awkwardly walked to dinner and I let my emotions flood inside of me. I felt sick and had no appetite.

"I'm sorry..." And with those words all of my old feelings about this marvelous woman came rushing back. She apologized for leaving so unexpectedly. We talked about a lot of things pertaining to the end of our previous friendship. I now understand where she was coming from and do not blame her at all for doing what she needed to do and taking care of herself.

I'm so grateful that she took the initiative to seek me out. I'm so happy to have her back in my life , and that she wants to be active once again in it.

Thank God for old friends, new friends, and good friends in general.

Thanks Boys

I owe a lot of bloggers a LOT of things.
To name a few...

Kurt: You have had a lot of influence in my life in just the little time that we've known one another. You talked me out of making one of the WORST decisions of my life. I can't thank you enough. I haven't been the kind of friend lately that you deserve. Don't give up on me.

Mark: I'm super grateful for your social abilities. And for your encouragement of me talking to/hanging out with complete strangers... Strangers that you've already checked out for me :)
You really do make me laugh more than you know, but I'm more impressed with the way you can get me to calm down, with just a phone call, when I'm all worked up.

Dallin: You exposed me to the blogging world (which has been a huge blessing). You were the first Moho I ever met that was not in change therapy. I knew then that there were other options. You were brave enough to come out publicly, and pave the way for me.

Landon: When we first started being friends, I was a mess. My views about the gospel and church were faltering. My expectations for a future husband were slipping. But then you came to help a friend out. We made lists of deal breakers, and deal bonuses. Our discussions helped me find my footing in the gospel. You made me realize that I'm worth a good husband and I don't need to settle. We'll get those dream weddings someday.

Pancakes: You're blunt. I like it. You have inspired me to be more emotionally independent. I'm so effected by what others say and think about me. I want some of that "I-don't-give-a-fuck-what-you-think" confident mentality. You remind me to surround myself with positive people that boost me up and don't put me down. There is too little time in life to waste on people like that. You are upbeat and live life the way you feel is right. I admire that.

Capt. Midnight: Ok to be honest yours is one of the few blogs that I religiously read every word of. I think its because I can relate to you so well. I am encouraged by your relationship :)

Alan: I'm so excited to meet you! You really have become a father/teacher/adviser/therapist in my life. Thank you so much for being there when I need some one to vent to and get counsel from. You've reminded me that I DO know what joy and true happiness are. I've felt them and still feel them. No one else can tell me what I'm feeling or not feeling :)

I'm sure that I've left people out, but please don't be offended.
Its amazing that my interactions with you all have been limited but through our common struggles I feel very close to you all. Thanks for your comments, messages and feedback that you continually give. I enjoy getting your input. It is appreciated more than you know.

For The Record

Mr. Johnson wrote a narrative :)

I'm so flattered Mark... But did you string me out on GHB or something? I have no recollection of this. But it sounds like we had a lot of fun... in this fantasy of yours. Unfortunately I have to say, it's probably best if you do move on. Sorry Mark. You know why we can't be.

Change of Plans

Its funny how life works... you think you have everything worked out, and then nothing plays out how you thought.

1. I may be resigning my membership from The Church sooner than I thought. This hurts because I still have a testimony of so much of The Church. Of the fundamental and key points. But I'd rather beat them to the punch if you know what I mean. Lately I had even been thinking that it would be possible to retain my membership, forever. I mean I'm only a priest... surely The Church is more concerned with the Actively-Gay Elders or High Priests. However it looks like someone might be exploring the avenues that it would take to get my membership pulled. I'm interested to hear what all you bloggers think about my possible resignation.

2. I'm not moving up to Seattle this year. This does NOT mean I'm staying in the parents' house. I'm still moving out the first week of June. In fact I actually already know where and with who (I'm excited and nervous about the prospect of living with a girl!) I will be living. This was a very difficult choice to make, and perhaps it is the less practical choice to make, but I feel that staying is the right choice for me now. Things have changed. A great new opportunity has presented itself. I feel like I would be a complete idiot if I were to walk away from it without doing everything I possibly could to make it work. I'm tired of living in the "what if's" of life.

I can't thank you all enough for your comments on my last post. I needed that affirmation that I had made the right choice to stand up for myself. Life has been so good lately! I like the way I feel about myself. I have awesome friends and family and others in my life. I'm seriously so blessed.

The Smudge on My Perfect Week

My life is at an all time high! There are too many reasons to be happy and smile! I should be terrified to be so high up here on Cloud 9, because in the past I've fallen off. But I'm not!
How ever in the midst of this joy, annoying shit still happens.

My friend Scott got his mission call. Orlando, FL, Spanish speaking. I guess he really wasn't kidding about our friendship being over because I had to hear bout his call from my sister who is in his ward. My sister also mentioned that Scott's girlfriend (of a ridiculously dramatic 5 years) wanted to talk to me. I was shocked since she had deleted me as a facebook friend on the same night as Scott.
I thought about it, and then added her, again, as a facebook friend.
Here is the conversation that followed:

GF: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Scott wants to still be your friend, but only if you can respect his views.

ok. so many things wrong with this. ( A) You send your girl friend to be a third party messenger? (B) You are asking me to change something so that you can get what you want? That's not how the world works...

ME: umm... I'm sorry? His views? Like his belief that I chose to be gay?

GF: Yes. Austin, you can't expect others to just accept your views of Homosexuality, and then chose not to respect their views.

ME: Oh, I respect that he has views. But he doesn't really get to have views on what makes me gay, since he himself is NOT gay. I mean who's views are more respectable on the topic of Nuclear Physics? The Nuclear Pysicist? Or the Real Estate Agent's son?

GF: Well I support Scott 100%, so I don't know how we can be friends with your unaccepting attitude.

ME: My unaccepting attitude... GF, do you see that my choices to do what makes me happy hurts NO ONE, while his stuborn, and unproven opinions are extremly hurtful to millions of people?

GF: Austin, I hope you realize you are pushing people away.

ME: Well, actually of all the people that now know the real me, you and scott are the only ones who have chosen to step out of my life.... funny huh...

GF: Goodbye Austin.

ME: yep.

Really? Really? Was I off base? I mean, I have friends that have let me know that they don't support me seeking a marriage with a man. I can be semi-ok with that. I can still talk to those people and love them for who they are. But should I really take back a friend who feels that I would choose to be gay? One that does not want to even hear a glips of one of the biggest parts of my life? One that, I know, in the back of his head is always thinking about how I'm headed straight for hell?