My Newest (not so) Secret.

So I have a suspicion.

Its sort of unfounded.

I think my parents have found my blog and are reading it.
Why do I think this?

• Well I talk to them about the blogging community and have even suggested that they read some of them before I had a blog of my own.
• Four days after posting THIS, my dad pulled me aside. He asked me if I had been upset on that Sunday, and then proceeded to address every issue, as listed in my post.
• I have caught my mother on several occasions reading random people's blogs. Never Gay-Mormon blogs. I know I'm paranoid, but at the top of everyone's blog there is a button that says "next blog" and if she were to be on a Moho blog, and heard me comming into the room, she could easily hit that and end up at a random person's blog.
• My dad knows things about my life that I haven't shared with him, but have with the blog-o-sphere (i.e. my Pride experience.)

So why haven't I just addressed it with them? Well there is a good chance I'm out of line and imagining this all. I don't want to accuse them unjustly, and then plant the idea in my head. I mean frankly I'm so blunt and honest in my blog because I think they don't read it. I don't have to sugar coat anything for them. I can share how I really feel about them. (Although the past couple of weeks its been all positive feelings anyway.)

But if you guys are reading this, I'm actually pretty happy about this. The fact that you would have to go out of your way to find it, and that you are no longer ignoring this part of my life is huge. It would mean that you actually care about me, and not solely what the Church says. I love you mom, and dad, with all my heart. You guys have been excellent parents and have done your very best to raise me. I take responsibility for my actions. My thoughts, ideas and beliefs are my own.

I really want to know though if you are reading this... so I can only think of one way to find out...



I don't think you'll be able to let this go with out some discussion....

Curiosity Almost Killed Me

I hated those sheep! I hated every wooly fiber of their bodies. But my feelings did not stop me from begging to go with my brother, Curtis, to feed those dumb sheep. The late night trip, in the shivering-cold weather, to the pasture was more than frightening to my little seven-year-old-imaginative-mind, but fear slowly vanished at the thought of getting to spend time with my brother. I got a flashlight too, and what fear can stand up to a flashlight?
I had never gone to the pasture at night before and that little plastic flashlight was the only thing that would be able to help me cope with my deathly fear of the dark. It was a window to my imagination, and my source of comfort.
When I got out of the car I knew that I would have to stay in the pasture all by myself with the enemies while Curt went into the barn to get the sheep food. I was terrified. I could see the moon reflecting off of their extremely white coats, but their beauty did not fool me. I knew they had it in for me.
I clung to the flashlight waiting to see what those four sheep might try to do next. Sneak attack? Surround me? Anything was possible, so it was just best to always be on guard. I tried so hard to stay out of their way and pray that they would stay out of mine. I’m not sure what compelled me to do what I did next, but I suspect that curiosity just got the best of me. I spotlighted the sheep with my flashlight.
You would never be able to see them unless you knew where to look, but all up and down my body I have numerous scars. You never know how much damage a hoof can do until sixteen of them run over the top of you and pierce your skin. Luckily I faint pretty easy, so most of the experience I can’t remember, but its what followed that is most important to me. I awoke in the arms of my brother who was crying and screaming at me to wake up. All the pain I felt then disappeared in a sense. Nothing mattered. It took me a second to even figure out why he was crying at all.
Those scars to me do not remind me of pain, or dark memories that accompany some people’s scars. They are permanent reminders to me about the love that my brother had, has, and always will have, for me.

Feel Proud.

This past weekend was Pride here in Phoenix, AZ.

(Yes I know it wasn't in June which is really weird. But its freaking HOT in June here in Phoenix! So rather than commemorating the 6/28/69 Stonewall Riots like typical Prides, we had it the day after the National Day of Silence. Kind of a cute idea I thought; to have like this huge celebration right after a day of protest.)

This was my first Pride, and it was crazy!

I wore a t-shirt and jeans. I was way too dressed up. There was a drag queen in a full ball gown and feather boa, and she was possibly the only person there wearing more clothing than me.

There was a parade that was SUPER long. It started out very slow, but by the end everyone was super excited... and hungry.

The festival itself had many, many, booths set up. Everyone was shopping and and grabbing their share of free merchandise. Condoms were abundant.

Some of the local gay clubs had set up two big dance floors as well. It was as close to Queer As Folk's Babylon as I could imagine.

Was it worth the fifteen bucks? Absolutely. Will I go again? Most likely. Was it everything I expected? No.

Like I've said, yes, there were nearly naked drunk boys running around handing out condoms and dancing quite provocatively. But it wasn't entirely the big party scene I had envisioned. Instead there was something cooler that I saw. There were Gay and Lesbian couples there with their children. It was sort of a family event. Families were eating meals together and playing in the grassy areas. Displaying genuine family values.

I hope that someday that will be me.



By the way.... In conjunction with this post, congrats GQ. Much better job on the May issue.

I'm So Lucky!

I really am.

I have an unbelievable family. It seems that I only whine about the times that they make me want to cry and go away but in actuality they are amazing.

This weekend a friend of mine stayed with me. A gay friend. My parents were very cool about it. I could tell that it was very awkward for them, but they let him stay there and were very gracious hosts. My parents are really trying to understand and accept who I am. I'm so thankful for this. This weekend they actually took a step to support me. They are amazing.

My mom was concerned that my siblings wouldn't be as understanding and supportive, so in an effort to eliminate drama, she suggested that we cancel our standard Sunday-Family-Dinner while my guest was in town. I got really upset without thinking. I just kept imagining Christmas parties and Thanksgiving dinner being canceled years down the road when I get married, so that mom could shield the family from my gayness. Never did I think about how my mom was really trying to protect me from my siblings.

So Sunday-Family-Dinner went on as usual. I am so glad that it did. I think it was eye opening for everyone. My friend played with the little ones, helped my sisters out, and joined in conversations. My family's reaction to him was more than I could have hoped for. They were genuinely kind and appreciative of him. They never interrogated him but instead spoke to him as if he was one of the family from the moment that they walked in the door.

I have friends that have been disowned for being gay. I have other friends who's families have sent them to psych wards or treatment centers to stop the gayness. I even have a friend who's own brother has tried to kill him for being gay.
Yet all I tend to focus on are my friends who have amazingly understanding supportive families, and whine about the fact that my family isn't quite there yet. But the fact of the matter is they do love me. They love me so much that they are concerned they won't get to spend the rest of eternity with me. As unfounded as this worry of theirs is, it shows that they really do care about me. That's something huge.

In June I'm moving away to Seattle, WA. I’m not running away. I didn’t wait, move away, and then inform the family of my plans for my future. I’m not moving away to avoid or escape my family. It is time though, for me to get away. I can't live under my parents' roof for ever. I need to be an independent decision maker. School has given me the opportunity to do so. The plan is to do one year at Seattle Central, become a Washington State resident in that year, then transfer to University of Washington. The campus is beautiful, they have a great psychology program, and its about 1,555 miles from my house.

My parents are not excited about this idea. They would like me to live at the house forever and keep me out of trouble. I'm think I'm pretty lucky that they still want me around.

Why???

Today has been one of the most stressful and exciting days of my life.

I'll never forget it.

At moments I was happier than I ever have been.

I experienced a pain I never imagined that I would.

I was accepted.

And rejected.

I feel like crying, but the tears won't come.

I can't keep the smile off of my face.


Is this what it's like to be bi-polar?

Check This Hand Cause I'm Marvelous

TODAY is SUCH a GOOD day!

First of all, I got my taxes paid! I feel like a real American!

I got the biggest Dr. Pepper that Wendy’s could offer!

I mailed off my transcripts!

I was late to every class today (I still got my favorite seat and missed no notes), but was actually early to work!

I’m looking forward to the rest of this week! Forbidden! Pride! Visitors! Yay!


But the best thing of all today….
I've always debated telling my dad's side of the family that I'm a fag. I mean I'm out, and not staying in the closet for anyone, but I just don't feel like telling them. If they hear rumors, I'll be honest with them.
Let me explain though. My father's side of the family is a little behind the times. Many of my cousins' trucks are adorned with the Confederate Flag and "gun control" might as well be a swear word. Not to mention, they are Mormon. Red neck and white trash are how they refer to themselves. I prefer to think of them as just closed-minded.
Well today my favorite cousin in the whole world gave me a call. I've been kind of ignoring her because I know that she has been very curious about why I'm not on a mission right now. Her and I have never kept any secrets from one another.... except my big one of course.
Today I called her back though.
We talked a lot about how I'm moving out of state in June. This lead her to ask how I was handling things with my family. She has seen how my family can be when people stray from "the straight and narrow". In order to explain everything I had to tell her.
First I made her promise to never tell any one what I was about to say. I got very dramatic about it. She promised of course and then I said it.
"Mellisa, I'm gay."
The line was silent for a few seconds and then she said,
"Austin, What if I were to say, 'no shit Sherlock'?"
I was able to exhale. She just laughed a little and then continued to say, "well you’re pretty cute so you'll do well out there."
We got a bit more serious after that and I explained why I didn't want to tell the rest of that side of the family. She, surprisingly, totally understood. She told me that no one needed to know. I didn't have to tell any one. I'm still Austin, the kid they all love so nothing really changes.
She told me multiple times that she is so proud of me she is and how brave I am to deal with something like this, especially in our family.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear from a family member.
I'm so ecstatic I cannot stop smiling!

Oh and Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” has played every single time I’ve gotten in the car. (That's were the title of this post comes from btw. I've got all the lyrics down now ;) Could it be any better?

Paper Cuts

My heart is racing. I hate all of this shit.
(I don’t expect anyone to read this long, vague at times, bitchy rant)

My sister: About 2 1/2 weeks ago I came home from my trip to find a letter in my room from my sister. I love her. She is about 12 years older than me. I have never been in a fight with her and have always admired her ability to keep calm in stressful situations. She's an analytical person and about the only one in my family that ISN'T outspoken. Which is why the letter came as such a shock.
I know that the letter was written out of love and came straight from her heart, but that is probably what makes it more painful. She told me she thinks there is a girl preparing herself for me and that I needed to move past the gay "struggles and trials" to prepare for this potential-wife. She also suggested that I spend the next two years on a "personal mission,” living within the Church's guidelines, to find out how I really feel about the Church and my sexuality. What does she think I was doing from the age 13 till I was 17?
I used the next week to pray about what to write back. I feel like I was able to convey how I feel and what I believe accurately and respectfully. I gave her my letter last Sunday. I still am waiting to see if she will reply at all.
She mentioned that the family could not support, understand, or be happy for the plans I have for my life. I'm disappointed that they can't support me or understand. More than that, I am hurt that they can’t be happy for me deciding to do what will make me truly happy. I have loved, supported, accepted, and been happy for them, their marriages and their families. I would like the same in return, but I don’t need it.
This has been a monumental shift in my thought process.

My best friend: Scott and I met my seventh grade year. We had to write biographies about one another in our English class. We hated each other. But by the time that the eighth grade rolled around we became inseparable. We both became racquetball posers and the biggest band geeks known to man. He became another child to my parents, brother to my siblings and attended numerous family functions. We have gone on road trips and spent weeks living at each others houses.
I mentioned here that I told Scott only recently that I'm a fag. He asked for 2 weeks to think things through. I was still on vacation when that two weeks ended. He texted me and told me that we needed to talk in person, so when I go home we set up a time when we could chill. He said that to make our friendship last I would need to never discuss the gay aspects of my life with him again. He went on to tell me that he was positive that being gay was a mindset I had created and chosen to be. I was near tears.
I looked at him and told him that I loved him as much as my own brother, but he couldn't say that being gay is a choice because he wasn't gay himself. He got really frustrated and told me what "God" thought of me and my decisions and then dropped me off with a, "I'm sorry it had to end like this."
He liked me better before he knew the real me.

JiM: I can’t really get into all of this, but in essence I can’t talk to my “Journey into Manhood brothers” anymore. I’m partially to blame for this rejection, but it didn’t justify the humiliation and embarrassment that director of JiM has put me through. I know I’m being vague. Sorry.

The ex: I got a 9 page letter from an ex-boyfriend of mine last week. The first two-thirds of the letter were an explanation of the negative feelings that he experienced during our relationship, when I broke up with him, and since then. He pointed out several areas that he feels that I have changed and “become a completely different person.”
The last third of the letter was spent telling about how he screwed me over and somehow he STILL managed to make me feel like it was my fault. I never want to see him again. My friends think this is the smart thing to do. Even with that kinda distance will he still be able to make me feel like shit?

My parents: Okay this is going to sound totally morbid and weird.
My parents got us all together tonight after family dinner tonight to discuss their Living Wills, Power of Attorneys, Family Trust, ect. They are perfectly healthy, but realize that they are getting older. They just wanted us all to know our roles.
First they discussed the Living Wills. My brother and oldest sister got put in charge of that. Cool. I’m not the decision maker on pulling the plug. I’m fine with that.
Then they discuss the Will. My other two sisters will be the financial distributers. Awesome, I’m not going to have responsibility over passing out the money and selling the house.
I’m the only child not in charge of anything. I can over look that. Who wants those duties anyway?
Then they discuss the Family Trust. I am the only child that cannot access any of the family money. That is till I am 30. If my parents were to die tonight, I would have no where to live. No money. No juvenile-provisions established. I immediately got anxious and privately went to talk to my parents about this. They got frustrated out of no where and told me that I was an adult now, going off to school out of state.
Yeah I’ll be out of state soon. We’ll see if I can afford to fly down for your funerals if I need to.

Bread Maker

I can still smell the fresh bread and feel the cold air rushing through the kitchen window and into our small house. It was always whole-wheat. I hate whole-wheat. But I loved the bread. I think that it might have been the fact that I knew that it was made out of love for me that made the starchy taste of red whole-wheat melt away. But it isn’t about the bread; it’s about the woman who made it.
I can still see the little 5’6’’ woman standing at the long kitchen counter humming a song (more than likely a church hymn) under her breath as she measures out some ingredient and adds it to the mix. Her smile would widen as I entered the kitchen in my footy pajamas and she would greet me with a, “Good morning handsome. How did you sleep?” I think that she truly cared and sincerely wanted to know if I had slept well or not. But that’s just who she is; a caring person.
My mother has a heart of gold. She has raised five kids all of whom will admit to being problem children. Under her watch the oldest four have stayed out of jail, contributed to society and all found spouses who have mellowed them out a bit. After the oldest four left the nest she became the on-call-24-7-nurse for her mother, and at the same time balanced her family and running a business out of the home. She taught me all about service and what it means to be a true friend. If I am guilty of not being a good person, it is my own fault, she is not the one to blame.
As a child my father worked a lot and it was my mother that raised me. Her strong will, charisma and stubbornness have become embedded in my character. Because of our similar dispositions we often find ourselves frustrated and discontent with the other over the smallest of disagreements.
She has struggled a lot over the past few months. Her dreams of me growing up, going on a mission and marring a beautiful girl in the temple have all been discarded. I get so easily frustrated that she won't give me the support that I need right now. I feel like she will come around.
In the current busyness of lives and the bad attitude that I so often have there aren’t many mornings like the ones of my youth. She no longer has the role of the playmaker in my life which is frustrating to her, but I will always be grateful for those early years. It was then that I learned who she was and what kind of a person I want to be. There will never be a time that I walk into a kitchen and I cannot still taste the bread or hear her say, “Good morning handsome. How did you sleep?”

Dear Elder Oaks,

The fact that the Church does not meet my needs, and that I realize that, does not make me self-centered. Why won't the Church just look at and address why it can't meet the needs of thousands of other men like me? Thanks

False Doctrine!

There is something magical that happens. It is a huge highlight for me. I even try to predict the day that it will occur. And it happens EVERY month.

No, I’m not talking about that creepy feminine phenomenon.

It is called GQ

I love getting mail, e-mail, comments, texts ect. because I feel like someone was thinking of me… Even if it is just my college reminding me to return a book to the library. ( I really do need to remember to return that.)

Specifically I love getting GQ though. It makes me super excited to go the gym that night. My rule is that first I have to get a good, hard run in... and then, I let myself just get on the elliptical while I read the new issue! Kind of a dorky way to do it, I guess, but hey, it's better than just sitting around and reading it, right?

I happened to be out of town on the day that the April issue hit the stands and my mail box. So as I walked thru a book store on my trip and saw this cover of GQ I nearly cried.

Beautiful, funny, smart, talented people have all graced the cover of GQ, and now there is this guy. A joke right? nope! He is really on there.

I know that not all of you back me on this. D. has even said that, “Everyone hated [the movie version of Twilight] but I think its because they are jealous of Edward! ;)”
Let me be clear. I am TOTALLY jealous of Edward. I am REVOLTED by Rob Pattinson.

My beautiful, color schemed, scriptures have been tainted.

Andy...

I haven’t stopped thinking about what he asked me yesterday. How do you know if God is blessing your life or if its coincidence? Is there even such a thing as coincidence? I thought I knew the answers to these questions, but as I tried to reply I realized how lost I was on this topic.

I proposed a few ideas such as praying or trying to feel the Spirit testify of God’s influence in such actions, but it didn’t feel like what I was saying was the WHOLE answer. Plus there is the whole idea of, “do things just happen, for no good reason”?

So we moved on that night and talked about other things, but I began to analyze the ensuing events of the night. Its amazing how many times I had to ask myself if some little thing had been said or done as coincidence, or if God had inspired that thing to be said or done. Were we a coincidence? Was what we were doing a coincidence? Or was that night just one big blessing?

I decided to look in a few places to see if anyone, with more authority on the subject, had anything to say on the topic. A simple Google search helped me to find what a modern day philosopher said. “Some may count experiences simply as a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. I repeat again, the Lord’s tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence.”

I took it a step further and searched for the word “coincidence” in the scriptures. Not one time in The Holy Bible does the word ever appear.

All this on top of personal experiences, I believe that there are no coincidences. That God does exist and love us. Sometimes He allows bad things to happen so that we can grow, become better people, and help others along the way. These trials may seem more than we can handle, “but God is faithful... [and will] make a way to escape, that [we] may be able to bear it” (1 Cor. 10:13). He provides us with blessings and tender mercies. These are his gifts to us so that this insanely chaotic life can be a bit easier; that we may bear our trials.

The Stupid Kid

The other day I was catching up on the blogs and I found an interesting statement.

"I am not one of those stupid kids who decide that since he is gay every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed. I am not the kid who attempts to get back at the church by breaking of the morals it preaches."

My first thought was, "Well hell, I'm not that kid either!" But before I could even finish that thought I realized, I was.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't decide that "every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed", but I was frustrated with the church.

Never did I assume that I could "get back at" the church.
Never did I want to hurt the church.
Never was I angry with God.


However, subconsciously I think I did feel this way:
The Church couldn't give me what I wanted, so I chose to not give them what they wanted of me.
How childish is that?
Super childish.

I realize that now. Heavy drinking and random sex are not going frustrate the church. In fact, doing those things just perpetuates the gay-stereotype.

About six weeks ago I got my eyes opened. I decided to change. I reassessed.

I don't ever want to drink again. Well, a part of me does, but the rational, in control part of me says no more.
I'm done with random hook ups too. I want commitment and real emotions involved; not a horny expression.
Yes, me and The Church disagree on some things, but the fact of the matter is that my beliefs still come from the gospel of Christ that I learned about in that church. Its not about me giving the church what they want or not. Its about doing what I feel is right and maintaining a relationship with God and my Savior.

Look Familiar?

"Your homework for next time is to make another list. I'm sure there's lots more you could add. I'll give you two days. Don't believe me? Just watch."

If I loose the few people that read my blog because of this repetitious post Alan, I'm coming after you. However, I'm scared of your threat so I'll go ahead and do it. You should make my homework more original though :)

Anonymous (who ever you may be) has helped me to get a good start:

• I'm more mature than most my age
• I have ability to see through people's inadequacies and love others, regardless
• I'm not just a pretty face

• I have an appreciation for music
• I have a decent voice
• I have years of musical education
• I'm a cuddler, like big teddy bear
• I'm not a bear
• I can be spontaneous and take big risks
• I try new things
• I can dance well enough to get positive attention.
• My quads are rock hard
  
• I have a testimony
• I have a sense of humor
• I can also be serious
• I'm extroverted
• I'm loved and liked by my nieces and nephews
• I'm a total romantic
• I can speak fluent Pig Latin

I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel at this point.

• I can attract girls ( I think that goes back to the fact that I understand them)
• I'm Britney Spears biggest/least crazy/non obsessive fan
• I'm pretty good with remembering names
• I have a good waist size and weight... which I will never allow to change.

Ok that is SERIOUSLY all I got.
Yesterday my mom came home from work to (out of no where) ask if I was depressed or suicidal. We talked for a while... It wasn't good or bad.
Last night was.. interesting. The Forbidden scene is getting tiring.
I haven't gotten out of this slump...

The Good in Me.

Okay Alan, here's my list.... I feel like you gave me a homework assignment as my therapist :)
Things I like about myself....

• I am lean
• I'm just the right height
• I understand how basic fashion works
• When I apply myself, I really am quite smart
• I enjoy learning
• I'm pretty well rounded culturally (entertainment, food, social circles)
• I make friends easily
• I'm fairly strong
• I try to sympathize/empathize with others
• I can go after what I want/ I'm not a push over
• I'm not a flamer or a super fem
• I'm an independent thinker
• I will humbly except advice from others when feel it is requisite to do so
• I'm a good kisser
• I understand women better than most women
• I will support my friends in public, even when they are wrong

That's all I got.
I'm not sure if today could have been worse.
Letter from a sister. Letter from director of JiM.
Never really considered suicide till today...

Teary Twink

I'm an emotional boy. That seems to be the theme of the day.

1- I'm emotionally attracted to men in an emotional way first. I dislike porn strongly and rarely will comment on random boys appearances. It's the emotional pull that really draws me into a boy. I still am shallow, but looks come second in my attraction to a man.

2- I get emotional over the thought of not being accepted. Specifically by my family. I went to a wedding tonight and tears came out of no where. I kept having the reoccurring thought of, "who will come to my wedding?" Which was IMMEDIATELY answered by "not your family..."
Even if it is 5 years off, they have already promised me that they would never support such an "abomination in the sight of God. [Their] son's wedding, or not."

3- I have felt totally inadequate lately. I'll never be good enough for a Mormon boy. I'm not hot enough. I'm that trick that guys are publicly ashamed of. I know this is all very whiny, but these are the thoughts that I can't escape, or vocalize, that lead me to sob in the shower.

I try to compose myself and put on a strong face. I mean who really wants a teary twink without confidence? I want to prove my family/friends/church wrong and find happiness even though I'm queer. I'm trying to be a positive guy (although this and the past couple posts may not express that) and hope that one day this will all change. At the same time, my realistic side kicks in and tells me that unless something else changes, I will be in this emotional, repetitive, rut forever. Where do I turn?

Miss Me...

I miss my sisters.
When my family found out that I was gay, and I was put into change therapy, my sisters felt as if it was their fault that I turned out this way. It hurt me to watch as their guilt began to consume them and push them away from me.
Things have never really been the same. We used to never go a day without talking to one another, but I think the last time I talked to my any of my sisters was last Sunday. Shopping trips, random lunches, movie nights, and their need for me to be present in their life has become nonexistent.
Some of this is too be expected. After all, we all grow up and go our different ways right? Then why am I the only one that has to find a different way?
I wonder if they miss me.

Girls: Their Guys and Their Gay

Captain Midnight, they prefer to be known as fruit flies :) They say that there is one girl out there to be the soul mate of a gay man; I have three. And they all are best friends. This can be hell.
Paige, Brittanylynn, and Katy, I love you.

So last night Paige was having a get together at her house (kind of an apology for ignoring all of her friends since she got engaged). I didn't plan on going since I had a date-ish thing going on later that night, but Blynn made me feel like a terrible friend so I dropped by for a bit.
When I got there I realized instantly that I was a 9th wheel. There were four couples and Jim.

Here is the real point of this post.

I got super jealous. I didn't want Paige or Blynn in a romantic way, but I did want them all to myself. So this jealousy put me in a depression. Then I realized how terrible of a person I was for being sad that they were happy, which caused me to be even more depressed, and this cycle just kept continuing until I wanted to curl up and cry.
Paige could tell something was wrong and so I told her how I was feeling. She gave me a big hug and said, "Babe, you'll always be my gay." Great.
Brittanylynn and I dated a while back. Although she is fully aware that I am soley attracted to guys, she's made it clear that she still has romantic feelings for me. So in my fit of depression, I had the urge to pull her in and kiss her. I knew that she would recipricate. I didn't want to KISS her. I wanted to... remind her that I exist? What is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?
This is the reason that I'm not getting married to a girl!!! Will I just get so lonely that I'd resort to marrying a girl, not because I am romanticly interested, but because I'm jealous? I wouldn't do that right?
.... Boy, mom would love it if I did though.

I don't want to be selfish and hurt a woman (and possibly even children). That's why I stoped going to therapy. Last night I was strong enough to fight off the stupid moment of rashness, so I'll be strong enough to wait for Mr. Right too.

I'm Like Julie Andrews

These are just a few of my favorite things... I feel like I need an upbeat post!

1. Hikes.
2. Disneyland.
3. New clothes.
4. Jamba Juice.
5. Trying new things :)
6. When a cute boy gives me "the nod".
7. A good book on a rainy day.
8. Christmas morning.
9. Thanksgiving afternoon.
10. Halloween night.
11. Whip cream and chocolate :)
12. Coloring books and coloring pencils.
13. General Conference.
14. Wearing a tux.
15. Ridding a horse at a full lope.
16. When my sisters spoil me.
17. Going to the theater for a play/symphony.
18. Star gazing.
19. The fact that I finally own my own car!
20. Expensive desserts.
    
21. Spending the day at the beach body boarding.
22. Getting to accessorize.
23. When a primary child understands the gospel better than the men who run the church.
24. An Arizona rain storm.
25. Being tall, without being a giant.
26. Mac products... and commercials... and stores.
27. Standing alone on a stage in an empty auditorium.
28. When my nieces and nephews get excited and tell me that they love me.
29. Holding someone.
30. Being held by a guy I like.
31. Having money in my bank accounts.
32. Sweating profusely when I finish a good run.
33. Sleeping naked... not being alone :)
34. The Office
35. That my nipple is pierced and less than 10 people know.
    
36. That Arizona doesn't have day light savings time.
37. Spending ridiculous amounts of time in my room watching episode after episode of Queer as Folk.
38. Walking with some one hand in hand.
39. Salsa and chips. Well really just Mexican food in general.
40. Believing Christ.
41. That I'm coming out (although too slowly for my taste). No more hiding!
42. I sound of a clear and steady, low range, tenor.
43. Most of the shows on Bravo!
44. That I'm blond and so shaving is really not that big of a hassle.
45. Pictures in black and white.
46. Hearing other people's stories.
47. Puedo hablar poco español.
48. GQ magazine
49. Showering :)
50. When I let myself be uninhibited.

Let ME Tell People About My Forbidden... Lust?

I'm so sick of other people taking it upon themselves to out me! Don't get me wrong, I don't usually enjoy having that awkward discussion with people one-on-one, especially people that are members of the church, but don't I at least have the right to?

My first boy and I were together for 6 months. Then we went another 5 months after we broke up trying to forget that we were gay. But at the end of May, he realized that you can't forget about your sexual orientation. He came out in a very public way. It's a scary and thing to come out alone, so that's probably why he felt the need to out me as well.
He's the reason that my parents know. That my friends I graduated with know. That my sisters know. That my old co-workers know. That some of my high school teachers know. That all my ex-girlfriends know. Even random people in Hurricane, Utah know!
I've harbored a lot of resentment toward him, and to be honest I probably still do have some, but now I feel like I have understanding for why he did it.

The thing that got me thru that time was change therapy. As long as people knew I was in change therapy, I wasn't a heathen. I could stop rumors dead in their tracks by telling people that I wouldn't always be gay. I even started to believe that myself. Change would happen if I worked and prayed hard.
It didn't turn out that way.
So now I get the opportunity to come out all over again, in a different way, on my terms.

Over the past several weeks I've eased my brother, father, and mother into the reality that I will never be happy with a woman, or alone. The idea that the love of my life will be a man.
I also have talked to two of my three sisters. Everyone has shocked me with their responses.

• My brother who I thought i was making progress with, has snapped on several occasions to "express his love for me" in a form that felt very similar to being judged.
  
• My sisters who have always directed my life, are actually being understanding and giving me the space I need to make my own decisions.
• My father, the bishop, I expected to have a really hard time. I was ready for him to put up a fight every step of the way. He has simply told me, that he will never turn his back on me; that my happiness in this life is crucial. He has expressed some concerns and fears that he has, but over all he has turned out to be a huge support. Thanks Dad.
• My mother I really thought would be my crutch during this whole coming out experience. Instead she has become a huge road block. I love my mother so much, but she is pushing me so far away. With each conversation I feel more pain and hurt. I feel second-rate. I feel unwelcome. She can't accept my decision. When will it not be up for debate anymore?

After a rather aggressive conversation yesterday with my mother, my sister, the one I haven't completely come out to came over. Mom was composed, so I thought that it would be a good time for me to go to my room and get ready for going out. I've been hesitant to tell this sister because she is by far the closest to me and the most outspoken. Her love for me has always been displayed by giving advice and telling me how life is.
I went down stairs and saw this sister crying and walking out the front door. I knew what had happened. I couldn't even be the person to tell my whole damn family.

The night just got progressively worse as I came out to my best guy friend (who lives about 20 miles away from the gossip-ville that I live in) and he took it pretty rough. He had no questions. No emotions. No input. All he ased was that I give him a coupple of weeks to process all of this.

So where does a down trodden gay go to relax? Dinner and dancing, duh. :)
I feed into the stereotypes and headed to beautiful downtown Scottsdale. RA was the first stop, to get some really good sushi (that is too expensive), then headed over to Club Forbidden. I know that I won't ever find the man of my dreams in the club, but its always fun to scope out the cuties, the interesting, and the socially retarded :) I danced all night, but hopefully next time I'll allow myself to dance with more than the same three guys... I know that it is totally a lust filled enviroment, but I figure dancing is probabbly a healthier way to express lust than porn or even having random/rampant sexual encounters.
Here's to a better weekend! Cheers (as my favorite forbidden bartender, Brian, says. Pictured below :)!

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

 (Explicit) I'm really young. Some people still call me "kid", "bud" or even "boy". I just graduated from High School in May of '08 and in just over half a year I will only be 20. I still live at home with my parents (although I'm not financially dependent on them). I make paper chains to count day the days to events I'm really excited about. I still go to the zoo at least twice a year to look at the cute animals. I ask for stickers at my doctor's office for being a brave boy and getting my shots with out crying.

Sometimes youth isn't enough.

I had my first sexual experience when I was only 17. I didn't feel young then. Skinny dipping lead to watching porn and jerking off in front of each other. We promised each other that we were straight, but we both were staring right at each other, rather than the girls on the computer screen. Within the next few weeks we went from watching each other, to touching each other. Then sucking. Then fucking. 

You can't get your virginity back.

I'm not sure whether I would change things or not if I could. There are a lot of pros and cons to both sides. I wish that I could be a novice along with my husband on our wedding night, and go thru all the nervous, experimental, how-the-hell-do-they-make-this-look-so-easy-in-porn, stages of intimacy. 

I have had sex since then, and I'm not really sure what my stance on abstinence is right now. I mostly feel like I've failed thus far, why change now. I've had boyfriends that didn't want to have sex and I was fine with that too (sometimes even glad they wanted to wait too). I can survive with out it, I just don't enjoy having to.

How Soft Is My Foundation

When I was 13 and realized I was gay, I started doubting the church. This questioning phase only lasted about a few months and ended when I convinced myself that I was not gay, but just overly horny. 

At the age of 15 I couldn't deny my sexuality anymore. My testimony had grown over the years, but wasn't strong enough to out way the fear that the church brings to that repentance process. At that point, porn and masturbation were the extent of my sexual exploration. I got into a nightly routine of reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and then jacking off. I felt like there was a balance there. 

There were a couple of experiences that my Heavenly Father put in my path in the following years that, for me, were undeniable evidence of his existence, and his love for me. 

Here is where my confusion comes in. 

I believe that the LDS church is the most correct on the earth. I cannot deny the basic doctrines of the church. The First Vision, the Atonement of Christ, The Book of Mormon - all true.

As for the higher principles and practices of the church; I struggle with them. 

Obviously my largest issue is with the church is their stance on homosexuality.  

Here is my hope. The Church's views change over time. More importantly than that, sometimes when I ask what God would think, it's a different answer than when I ask what the Church would think. I have faith that the Church, being true, will change its views once more. The sooner, the better. Maybe this time the Church will be tolerant before the world has to pressure them into it.

Launch Party!?

My brother asked me today. "So, when are you going public?"

I thought that I would need to protect my family by easing them into all of this. Now one of them is saying that he's all ready for me to come out 100%. They never cease to surprise me.

Later this evening I went to a friends wedding reception. 

A) She was the most BEAUTIFUL bride I have ever seen. I almost though I should have asked to marry her first, and then I remembered that would mean I'd have to have sex with her :/

B) The set up was amazing and made me excited about the prospect of my future wedding. (But then I remembered that I'd need a boy for that)

C) I could have just sat down at the dessert table and ate everything there. Chocolate dipped strawberries + gourmet cup cakes = True Love

I don't think that my family will ever be supportive enough to throw me a FULL fledged wedding like my sisters and brother got. In fact, I doubt whether or not my family will even come. I SERIOUSLY doubt that my siblings will bring their children. 

I hope they continue to surprise me.

Come Out!

I did it. I came out to my parents tonight. Sorta.

I should explain. My family already knew I was gay, they just didn't know that I plan on staying gay. They had really high hopes that I would get "fixed" and move on with life. They're acceptance of me was actually of the person they hoped I would be one day. All I needed was to know that they still love and accept me as I am (and forever will be), a gay mormon, a queer son, a faggot brother. 

I had planed on having this talk with them in about a month, when I get back from my trip to Washington, but things played out differently. My parents were getting ready to go on a date, and I felt an overwhelming push from the spirit to have this talk with my mom then and there.

I just started crying and asked her if she would love me even if I ended up marring a boy. She totally lost composure and started crying and telling me that she just wanted us to be together in the Celestial Kingdom. My dad walked in at about this point and took control. 

I whole-heartedly love my father. That's not common from what I see of the gay community. I honestly love him though. He said some beautiful things to me. He told me that he wanted me to he happy, successful, and loved in this life. He also wanted me to know that he would never turn his back on me. There were other concerns that arose and we had to sort those out, but over all it went well. They are afraid that I'm too young, or that I've rushed into this decision, but they don't realize that I've had 19 years to obsess over every possible question associated with this. it may take a while for this decision to settle in with them, but its a huge relief to just have it out on the table :) I like being authentic.

Who I Am

My name is Jim. Well, not really. I'll use this as my pseudo name for a while though. Its not that I'm not ashamed of being gay; not anymore. The fake name is really just to protect my family, but once I'm fully out to all of them (hopefully by the end of March :) I'll be totally genuine and authentic on this blog. 

I've been out of the closet for about 9 months, and although the prospect of being gay never made me sad, the idea of not being a "normal" Mormon hurt me deeply. 

I was told that I wouldn't be able to serve a mission even though I knew the church was true, because I was a risk to the church. I was also told that I am unnatural because of the way I love.  These things have brought more pain into my life than any aspect of the gay lifestyle.

My dad, who was my bishop at the time, set me up with a "change" therapy counselor. I thought that I was going to become straight. I got really excited that one day I would actually WANT to have sex with a girl. I would get to marry in the temple, have children, have a 9 to 5  job and be normal. 

It was a huge let down and a waste of thousands of dollars. But now that part of life is behind me and I get to be happy. 

I'm still gay. I'm ok with that. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I have a testimony of it. Maybe that is contradictory, but I don't feel like it is. I feel like my father in heaven loves me still. I know that Christ understands where I'm coming from has compassion for me. I trust in him. Everything is going to be alright. I accept myself for who I am.