A Very Marry Christmas

Todd and I decided to spend Christmas Eve at home alone. We had already been to several holiday parties in the past few weeks and we decided we wanted some alone time. A couple of Christmas movies, homemade Chinese food, and go to bed early. It sounded like the perfect evening for a couple of old guys like us.

The Christmas season is my favorite time of year. Starting November 1st I will start begging those I live with to let me set up the Christmas tree. I've got the cinnamon spice candles, pre-lit garland, and old school Christmas CDs; everything to ring in the holidays. Our little apartment looked like Christmas had thrown up on it.

Surprises are the only thing I can't stand about the season. I love gifts as much as the next kid, but the flashy packages sitting under the tree with my name on them for over a month, is more than I can stand. The frustration and worry of knowing something is coming gives me ulcers.

Todd knows this about me, and loving to see me squirm, he took full advantage of the opportunity Christmas provided. Presents from him started appearing the day after the tree went up.

I did pretty good at not harassing him to let me open presents early, but Todd knew the anticipation was killing me.

After or Christmas Eve dinner we went to the living room to enjoy the heat of the fireplace, when he turned to me and said, "Hey, Babe. Would you want to open a present tonight?"

I felt that he was probably just taunting me, but I still replied, "YES!"

He had me sit on the couch and I made him promised to pick a good one for me to open. He picked a large blue and white bag off of the table next to the tree. I started unwrapping it the moment he set it in my hands. I knew it was a good one, because he had used about 100 sheets of tissue paper and 1/2 a role of tape to conceal the gift.

When I finally got it unwrapped my throat seized up. I tried to "man-up" but the tears came streaming down my face anyway. There was a toy elephant like any that you might buy for a child. Hooked on its trunk was a simple silver ring.

It was corny, cheap and cliche... and it was everything I ever wanted.

"Hey, Babe. Would you want to marry me?"

It was the same way and same day that my father had proposed to my mother almost 40 years ago.

The sentiment of it all overwhelmed me so the only way I could reply was with a big kiss. I was the happiest man in the world in that moment and completely melted when he smiled and asked for a verbal reply. "Yes, of course," is all I could get out

This summer I get the chance to marry (legally {whether it's recognized everywhere or not}) the man I love. We are taking the first big step in starting our family. We are doing what we know is right. I cannot wait to grow old with this man. The challenges I'm presented with seem marginal and manageable with his hand in mine. I love him more than myself or anyone else.  There is no one I would rather have by my side as we enjoy the adventures on the journey through life.

Once Upon A Time...

On one hand, I can't believe it took me so long to meet Todd. There were hundreds of times that I was less mile away from him and had no idea that the man of my dreams was so close.

On the other hand, it's kind of amazing that we met at all.... 


We lived forty miles away from each other, went to different colleges, had completely different majors, hung out with totally different groups of people; in short, we had no reason to ever cross paths. 

I had recently come out, or rather come out again and my family wasn't taking it super well. I had made plans to move to Seattle in a few months and a long distance relationship was not an option for me. I really was not interested in getting into something serious. 

Until Mark intervened. 

I got on my computer late one Sunday and saw I had a message from some guy named Todd. It said, "Mark asked if I knew who you were. I don't." I remember reading it twice, confused and thinking, "If we don't know each other then why did you message me, you weirdo?" I immediately did what any young person today would do and looked through all of his Facebook photos. At least he was a cute weirdo...

I decided that I might be interested. I checked first with Mark to make sure he wasn't a serial killer, and then began trying to talk to Todd. Talking to him proved to be difficult however. 

Todd was in school, the designer on two theatre sets, preparing for a read thru of the musical he'd just finished composing, working in the university scene shop, teaching piano lessens, teaching voice lessens, playing piano for an LGBT choir, and playing piano for a musical theatre class. He had a lot on his plate.

We chatted off and on for a few days and we seemed to click, but how much can you really judge chemistry over an online chat? So I got him to ask me on a date :)

We made plans to see a show he'd designed the following week, however we continued to talk over the next couple of days and found that neither of us wanted to wait any longer to meet in person. So on Sunday, April 26th, five days before our first date was supposed to take place, I drove over to Todd's with what was left of a cheesecake I had made for family dinner that night. It was about nine in the evening when I pulled into his parking lot. I'd left family dinner early and he'd just gotten home from playing the piano at a choir sectional. 

I called him when I got there so he could tell me where to park. That was the first time I heard his voice and I remember thinking how crazy I was to go to a complete stranger's house. I thought about how this was sort of the new age blind date; being set up by a friend and not meeting the person until the first date."If he turns out to be a freak I'm going to kill Mark."

Todd was standing in the parking lot when I arrived, and he motioned to where I should park. I was really nervous and wanted to make sure I parked perfectly the first time, but I was also trying to see what he looked like. It didn't help that someone had left their fast food litter in my parking spot. So after failing once, I backed out and tried again, ever alert that Todd was smiling and watching all of this. I got out and saw I could have still done a better job, but there was no way I was going to try a third time. I would have forgotten all this except that Todd's first words to me were, "If it weren't for the Jack in the Box litter, I'd give you crap about your parking skills."

His apartment was very clean except for some boxes and bags in the living room. He explained that he had a new roommate moving in that week and apologized for the mess. After some awkward small talk we sat on his couch and watched Arrested Development: Season 2 on his computer. He seemed to get more comfortable, so I made a move and put my arm around him. He sunk into my chest for about two minutes and then jumped up to get us some water. My fear that I'd been too forward was confirmed when he came back and sat on the opposite side of the couch. I felt like a total moron and kept thinking how I could leave without being totally awkward. 

As an episode was ending, and I was coming up with the right words to say goodbye, Todd turned and snuggled back up to me. The ice was broken. We talked about our families and how we came out, while the next couple of episodes played in the background. We turned our attention back to the show for a moment, and then Todd turned back to me, didn't say a word, and we kissed. It was just a little kiss, but I completely dissolved in that moment.

We watched a few more episodes and ate all the cheesecake I brought.

We also talked. A lot.

I knew that I really liked him and  I didn't want to fall any harder for him if  he didn't meet the standards I'd set for myself. Fortunately he surpassed my expectations, but in order to find that out, we had to have some deep conversations. We talked about religion, spirituality, sexuality, communication, ect. Even looking back I'm surprised at how much we discussed on that first date.
I finally left his house at 3 a.m. I was exhausted the next day, but I was still giddy. I remember even telling my brother about it while we were working. 

I have seen Todd every day since then (with technology today we can see each other even when we are apart :)

I'm glad that we can still talk about everything, the hard things and the fun things.

I still wake up giddy knowing that he's there for me. 

I love him. 

He's my top priority. 

If life is a journey, there is no one I'd rather travel through it with. 

Quilt of Guilt?

Some kids growing up wanted a puppy, or bike. I wanted a denim quilt. 


My Grandma makes these really heavy denim quits made out of old jeans. They are super warm and really big. They also take a really long time to make, so we have the opportunity to earn two of these in our lifetime.


For the first quilt you can: A) Be a male and serve a mission. OR B) Be a female and graduate high school.


For your second quilt you can: A) Get married. OR B) Be 40 years old and still single.


Being the youngest in my family, I saw my siblings get their quilts long before I was ever even eligible. I was a pretty persistent kid, and I used to harass my Grandma (probably a bit too much) to give me my quilt early. She would just laugh at me and promise me that I'd get mine when my time came. 


Fast-forwarding through time... I planned on going on a mission... I had my first experience with a boy... I came out to my parents... My plans for a mission got squashed.... I graduated high school.


I was surprised that my grandma came to my graduation. I was even more surprised when she handed me a big duffle bag with a denim quilt in it. I was MOST surprised however, when I unrolled the quilt to see, "Elder Austin Kempton" embroidered in the corner.


For the first few months I refused to sleep with the quilt. It immediately sent me into a depression; thinking of how I didn't meet the expectations of those who loved me. As winter came though, I was in need of a heavy quilt to keep me warm at night (Yes, I know I live in AZ and it doesn't get that cold here, but my parents refuse to turn on the heater in winter, so it felt like I was living in an igloo.) so I went and got the quilt. 
That night I had a realization that my grandma really loved me. The wording on the corner wasn't an expectation for me. Those words were just was her way of supporting me in my goals. She thought the mission was a goal of mine, so she put "Elder" but if she knew my goal was to go to UW there would have been a Husky embroidered there.


As I was making the bed this morning, and Todd pulled the corner up on that quilt, all I could think about was if I would be getting a second quilt. I don't say that out of greed or entitlement. I just honestly wonder if my Grandma will be accepting enough to make a quilt for me when I get married to a man. 


There's only one way to know. 


I need to talk to my Grandma this week.

I'm Back... If I Can Keep It Up... That's What He Said...

If anyone is keeping track of my blog anymore, yes, yes, I am alive.

I have started 8 posts since my last one, that never left the chopping block. They probably will all remain in my "edit post" box for another month till I get sick of seeing them and delete them.

So why such a long hiatus? I don't really have a good reason.
I could blame it on school, but honestly this year, school has been amazing. I'm on campus two nights a week for a total of 12 hrs. I'm getting the high scores on assignments and tests, which is truly a testament to what a student is capable of when he takes classes that interest him. I don't feel like I'm putting in very much effort, but I'm surprised at how much information I'm retaining.

I could blame it on work, because I have been getting more hours. However, that usually I think of topics for my blog while I'm on the clock.

I could blame it on a lack of drama.... we all know that for a gay mormon boy it never ends.

So really I don't have a good excuse :/

Here's a quick up date:

• I'm no longer a teenager. I'm an old man now.
• My parents went on a double date with Todd and I for my birthday. Todd had set up a surprise dinner and invited my parents to come. It was the best gift they could have given me. I was pretty close to crying.
  
• My dad has been doing great. My father reminds me that he is worried and concerned about the "big picture" but he is glad to see me happy.
• Mom has been struggling with some things. She wants to let Todd and I know that she loves us, but she doesn't want us to get any inclination that she accepts or condones our lifestyle. (I.e. She wants to hug Todd. She loves him, and knows that he's been going through some hard times with his family. However, she chooses not to hug him because we might perceive it as acceptance.)
  
• My parents biggest issue is NOT that I'm gay and have a serious boy friend. It's that we are having sex out of wedlock. Huh... I wish I had the option of wedlock here.
• I'll be heading up to Utah in a couple of weeks!
  
• I was part of a panel talking about homosexuality at my school. It was one of the coolest things EVER. There were SO many people participating, with various knowledge of homosexuals (They ranging from: People who were sure they'd never even met a gay in there life, all the way to to a kid who's parents are gay). Enlightening people is awesome.
• I love the length of my hair at this exact moment.
• I got a visit from my best friend a couple of months ago. It was awesome to see him.....I miss talking with him.
• I am loving the direction my life is headed!
  

Anyway I think that's it for now. I'm trying to get back in the habit of blogging. We'll see how this attempt goes :)

God Hates Me?

I've been thinking a lot lately about God.

I wish I didn't believe in him.

I do, however believe in him.

Does this make me naive?

Are the only people that believe in God, the ones that need him?

It doesn't really matter I guess. In the world of religion, the ONLY thing that I know, is that there is a God. He likes me a lot too.

So here is what I have really been thinking about:
The "God" that I learned about when I was in primary is a very different "God" than the one I have heard about the past few years.

I hear the song, "A Child's Prayer" and I feel SO close to God. I sit in a priesthood meeting and that burning spirit is not there nearly as much. Even dedicated Saints will tell you the same.
So using the presents of the spirit as a measuring tool, what is this telling us?

How many terrible things in this world have been done in the name of God?
The crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Holocaust, ect...
Those are just the biggies...
How many civil rights have been denied to people because this God (who is supposed to be impartial) said one group of people was better than another?

Why do people think they have the right to talk in behalf of God?

The God I know loves all of his children and wants to hear from them. He is much more concerned with people loving one another than joining a certain church.
Don't tell me how God feels about a topic.
I talk to him and listen.
Are you?

AIDS Walk!!!

I remember watching the news when I had just turned 7. I saw people laying out large extravagant quilts in Washington D.C. There were big, red ribbons stretched out all over the place. I was captivated. I didn't know what was going on, but there were THOUSANDS of people and the news was spending an extraordinary amount of time on it. Like a whole half hour segment. I kept trying to understand, but I just couldn't figure out what these people were trying to accomplish....
Then I heard the word, "death."

I used to have this irrational fear of death. I was fascinated, terrified, obsessed, and totally determined to avoid it.

I realized that these people were getting together to honor people that had died and to try to keep more people from dying.
My dad walked in and I asked him what this was about. He looked at the T.V. and almost instantaneously went to look for the remote. He changed the channel and told me to watch my cartoons. This made me even more curious. He left and I changed it back. He came back and changed the channel. I asked again what this quilt-thing was about, and added that it wasn't inappropriate so I could watch it if I wanted to.
He got very serious, and said, "Those people are talking about a virus called AIDS. It's mainly gay men who get it, and they only want a cure for it so they can sleep together without God's repercussions for sinning."

Never did he mention that "God's repercussion" was a painful and embarrassing death.

Now I have to defend my father. That was a LONG time ago and he is not so ignorant on this topic. He would never say such a hurtful and false statement today.
However that ONE statement has hung with me since then, because I remember the feeling of knowing that my dad was lying to me... The Heavenly Father I knew and had been taught about would never say something like that.

This weekend is Arizona's AIDS Walk. I wasn't sure if I was going to sign up for it or not, but then a girl in one of my classes told me that she was putting together a Team in honor of her brother who recently died. She talked me into it and I can't tell you how excited I am to be a part of this!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE join this GREAT cause and walk with us! If any of you in Arizona, are reading this and haven't signed up yet.... SIGN UP and join the Johnathan's Hope Team. :)

If you don't live in AZ, I still encourage you to sign up and walk! Find a team, and help someone in need! Karma, good energy, blessings or what ever you believe in will come back to you for signing up!

Girls Love A Gay In A Uniform

I'm still working for my brother. Every Tuesday I have to leave work early so that I can make it to school on time.

So yesterday we got to a job about 30 minutes before I had to leave, so I ran inside to get as much work done as I could with the time I had. I was greeted by a girl who was about my age. She was very pretty. Tall and slender, with eyes that are just slightly further apart than the average person....
I spent the whole time I was working debating whether or not she would be good as a runway model.
I left and went to school. She would have never crossed my mind again if it weren't for the story my brother relayed to me this morning...

He told me that yesterday afternoon, when he was invoicing the owner of the house, he asked my brother where "the guy [his] daughter was swooning over" was. He explained that I had classes to get to so I had to leave early. The father went on to tell my brother about how his daughter is a good LDS girl who she keeps dating scum bags and how I seemed like a really decent guy.
My brother just smiled at him and said, "Well, she'll have a really hard time winning him over."
The father got a bit offended, thinking that my brother was calling his daughter inadequate. He wanted to know what was wrong with his daughter.
"Well," my brother searching for the right words says, "I don't usually get to involved in my employee's lives (lie), but he happens to be my little brother and I happen to know that he doesn't find girls NEARLY as interesting as men."
I guess the father's jaw just dropped and said, "Oh." Then after a few seconds he broke into a HUGE smile and said, "Oh MAN! I cannot WAIT to tell her! (cue hysterical laughter) This is going to kill her. "

Point of this story...

HE CLAIMED ME AS HIS GAY BROTHER!!!!
:)

It Might Be Time To Tell Grandma

Remember when I wrote about my brother-in-law getting baptized? Well this last Saturday he got to baptize his son, my oldest nephew... But that's not really what this post is about.
This post has to do with me finally coming out ALL the way!

I'm out. I'm not super loud about it, but I am definitely proud to be gay. I don't care who knows, and I don't care if you have a problem with it.... Just please don't tell my Grandmother.

My dad's mother is my last living grandparent. With about 50 first cousins on that side of my family, me and my Grandma never really got a chance to be very close. However, over the past few years some of her grandchildren that she is especially close to have fallen off of the Mormon-Bandwagon; leaving room for Austin-the-good-boy to fill their roles. I've always admired my Grandma, but these last few years have given me an immense sense of appreciation.
That woman is simply amazing.

SO at my nephew's baptism Grandma sat with me. We had an interesting conversation.
Grandma: So, have you talked to Cousin #1 in a while?
Austin: No, how is she???
G: I don't know. I think she's ok. She spends all her time with this new boy of her's. Do you know who he is?
A: Nope, I guess it's been a REALLY long time since I've seen her. Do you like him, Grandma?
G: Oh I don't know. It doesn't really matter. You know, no one asks me any more. These kids just do what ever they want... they make their decisions without asking me..

I let this conversation settle, and a few other kids get dunked (Did you know they now have multiple kids getting baptized in the same meeting/session?!?! Stake baptism day! Each kid doesn't get their own anymore. WTF?). Then Grandma turned to me to start a new version, of the same conversation.
G: So did you know Cousin #2 is graduating this year?
A: No way! Wow! What's he up to?
G: He's always hanging around that girlfriend. Have you met her? Do you like her?
A: Yeah, I've met her... She's... Interesting...
G: Yeah, that's my thought too. But it doesn't really matter. None of them ask me any more. Everyone just does what they want without asking me. My opinion doesn't mean anything.

My stomach sunk.
I was getting the worlds best guilt trip.
The fact of the matter is that I would be openly gay, even if my Grandma didn't approve, but I would love to sit down and talk to her about it. I would love for her to be a support for me. So many other people in my extended family have done shitty things, and she has supported them no matter what. My worst fear is that I'll be the straw that breaks her back. There is only so much that little woman can take.
I have a feeling that she would be my number one advocate though. I can imagine her sitting in the front row at my wedding. I can see her voting for gay marriage, because her grandson (that's me) should have all the rights her other grand kids have. I know that she would totally love Todd.
In fact she has met Todd. I don't think they really got a lot of time to chit chat, but she does know about my "little friend".

I don't know... maybe it is time to tell Grandma.

P.S. I think my graduation was the only time in my life that people ever took pictures and gave them to me. Sorry for the out dated and cliche photo.

Jacking Off

So I'll just apologize right now for not keeping up my blog. I know that many of you readers have taken offense to my absence. I don't know how you have managed to live and function in daily life without regular updates from me. I'll try to do better.

I have a lot of topics to cover this month and because I've been slacking that means there will be a lot of new posts coming soon.

---

I'll go ahead and get my Homework post out of the way first. Abelard asked all of us to do a post about masturbation on our blogs sometime this month.
I'll preface this by saying, "I'm sorry," to anyone that my bluntness offends. These are my thoughts and beliefs, and I would never claim them as doctrine or best for everyone.

---

I think The Church is so full of crap on the topic of masturbation. I did say I would be blunt.

Pres. Kimball said in The Miracle of Forgiveness that masturbation leads to mutual masturbation, mutual masturbation will lead to homosexuality, homosexuality will lead to bestiality.

Well from my personal experience, I can tell you that this is TOTALLY false. I was a homosexual before ever masturbating. I have NEVER even thought of doing the dirty with ANY kind of animal.

Elder Packer has a pamphlet called, For Young Men Only. It is mostly about masturbation, but one of his more off-the-wall-statements has to do with homosexuality. "No one is locked into that kind of life [homosexuality]. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mismatching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men --masculine, manly men --ultimately to become husbands and fathers."
Elder Packer says that "many will be amused by this counsel." I am NOT amused at all. I am seriously concerned for the shame and pain that this counsel will cause many young men who have been raised in the LDS Church to feel.
I think this is a BALLSY thing to say. What a hurtful and UNTRUE thing to say. Why is he insinuating that gay men can't become "masculine, manly men" and "husbands and fathers"? And I'm not debating that I was predestined to be a man! I AM a man physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. So is Todd. That is kinda the POINT of being gay. As a heterosexual, how does he even feel responsible or entitled to even speak on this topic?
MORE THAN THAT, in the 33 years since this talk was given, the church has begun to sing a new tune. "In some circumstances a person defers marriage because he or she is not presently attracted to a member of the opposite gender. While many Latter-day Saints, through individual effort, the exercise of faith, and reliance upon the enabling power of the Atonement, overcome same-gender attraction in mortality, others may not be free of this challenge in this life."
Okay, so they still refuse to call it anything but "a challenge" BUT they do admit that even turning to Christ and exerting all my effort isn't a 100% shot at becoming straight. What happened to not being "locked into that kind of life"?
OH and will SOMEONE PLEASE fix their statistics??? "many Latter-day Saints" will become straight and only some "others" may not? FAR more are leaving The Church because of this issue than subjecting themselves to the lies and solitude that the Church would suggest for them.

So my point is that it is hard for me to respect the opinions and "guidance" of a man that is so ignorant and outspoken that even The Church has had to emend his words.

---

My personal thought as a future father is that I would rather my children understand the risks of sex, the dangers of addiction and problems that could ensue from masturbation.
I have to break this up as a psychologist. If my child's masturbation habits caused dysfunction or distress in living a regularly routinized life, then would be the time for discussion (i.e. if my kid is missing the bus every morning because he has to get off, then we are going to need to have a serious talk). But the fact of the matter is that masturbation RARELY becomes a serious impairment in a persons life.
I'm not going to say, "Hey kids, you should go masturbate!" However, they will know that I would much rather them masturbate than have sex.
I don't want them to feel ashamed, bad, or dirty about masturbating. If someone is doing something in privacy that does not effect you, hurt anyone, and is not self destructive... THEN WHY DO YOU CARE???

Sacrament Studies

I have gone to church for the last six weeks in a row... well, only sacrament meeting. That still counts for something right?

This resurrected habit of mine has shocked some people and I've been bombarded by people asking, "Why do you still want to go to church?"

I know right? It seems odd. I am not exactly the epitome of Peter Priesthood, and yet I still like going to church in an LDS chapel.

So why is this?

• I do it for me.
• I do it for Father in Heaven.
• I've come to need that one hour in the week, dedicated to God, to recenter my life.
• It's a good time to step out of the world and really listen for answers to my prayers.
• It reminds me that I'm doing the right thing: the Spirit that I feel in that building, is the same Spirit I feel when I rest my head on Todd's chest.

The other question I get a lot is, "But why in the LDS Church? There are lots of Christian churches out there."
That's true.
There are three main reasons I still choose the LDS chapels over others though.
1) I still believe that the Mormons have the fullness of Christ's Gospel. Whether they preach or practice it is a topic for another post.
2) The only time that I have actually heard the voice of God speak to me was in an LDS chapel.
3) It's familiar. This is the Church that I was raised with. I know this is a weak reason, but I am the way I am today because of the Church for one reason or another. Honestly, I like the way I turned out.

For all you worried priesthood leaders reading, you can rest your mind to know that I don't take the sacrament. It's not a matter of me feeling worthy or not. I am worthy in the sight of God, but I'm not living the way the Church deems "worthy" to take the sacrament. So out of respect to the organization I don't partake of the bread and water.

Maybe I'm crazy, and really I'm doing more harm than good by attending a church that vows to never except my love as legitimate or real.
This may be a long term study...

Weekend Report

Real quick! I've gotten a few more questions since my last two posts. I'm not going to continue posting answers, but if any of you have questions that you want answered feel free to send an email! wak767@me.com
Thanks for your continued support and love.

So this week has be crazy! I kept trying to get registered for school because time was running out, but the system kept shutting me out. Days later, after LOTS of phone calls and a visit to the school I am officially registered! I'm excited for school because this is the first semester that my classes are specific to my major's focus. I get to take classes that I'm interested in and will help me down the road... I'm still trying to figure out how calculus will help me be a better psychologist.

Then I had car issues. The check-engine-light light came on about 2 months ago, but the car was working fine, so I did the irresponsible thing and ignored it. The problem now is that I need to re-register my car, and to do that I need to have it pass Emissions Testing, and to do that the check-engine-light has to be off. So I took my car to the mechanic, hoping that the repair would be cheap and quick. Are they ever cheap or quick?
It turns out my transmission (which every one that day called "your tranny". tee hee...) is busted.
Do you know how expensive that is? It would be more lucrative to just sell it for parts and buy a new car.
But wait! That's not all. Yesterday morning at work, a customer backed his truck up into my car destroying a door and denting a quarter panel. Actually, it turned out to be a pretty funny story, and no one was hurt. He has insurance, so it was the best-possible bad-situation.

On another note: I've said it again and again, but I know that my family (and others) are reading this blog and I wish they wouldn't. However, some good came of it this week. I mentioned last week that my brother and I haven't hung out since I came out. Well, that's changed! Yesterday he took me out to lunch on his dime. We had a real and genuine conversation. He wanted to know what was going on in my life and learn more about Todd. It was great to remember how close we used to be. He thought so too, apparently, because I got an email last night from him saying, "It was fun talking to you today." It was just a simple message, but had a profound effect on me.

Sorry this came out like a journal entry... I just had to get it all out.
Expect a good post soon.

The Answers - Part 2

Continued...

Q: I was wondering if you've ever had a patriarchal blessing? If so, what were your feelings about it? Did you know you were gay when you received it? Did it have a significant impact on your feelings toward the Church?
A: I do have a patriarchal blessing. I got it the February after my first boy and I broke up. My dad was my bishop and so, out of fear, I decided to repent on my own. I developed a really good relationship with my Heavenly Father during that time, but I still was so confused about so many things. I felt like if I ever needed guidance, it was then. Did I lie to get my recommend? Yes. Did I feel worthy? Not really. I felt like God had answers for me, and so with his approval burning in my chest, I set up the appointment.
I got many answers to many of the questions that I had. There was nothing in there to address the issue of my sexuality. I dissected it to see if there was any little clause that had a hidden meeting. Nothing. Due to the sacredness of that document, I won't get too detailed.
The Church says that I should stay celibate and if that was God's will, then why wasn't that put in my blessing?
The lesson I learned from getting that blessing is that God is in charge, but the people who interpret his will are only men. Men frequently misinterpret and can only reveal what they are prepared to reveal. Their life experiences, and personal beliefs inhibit them all the the time.
I hope that made sense.

Q: What aspect of being gay do you find the most challenging and how do you deal with it?
A: **EXPLICIT** When you say the word 'gay' there is an image that comes to mind. For me, it's a black and white scene of two men holding hands and walking on the beach. Unfortunately this is not the same vision that most people in this world see. More than likely they imagine a flamer in a mesh top, leather pants, and singing Cher songs at the top of his lungs while getting fucked in the ass.
So what is the biggest challenge for me? When I tell people that I'm gay, I feel like I have to convince them that their image isn't accurate. I'm still the person I've always been.

Q: I was curious as to how your family has responded to 1) your being gay and 2) your relationship (not their opinion about Todd specifically, but rather the fact that you're in a serious gay relationship).
1) Wow! That's a loaded question. My blog tracks a lot of their reactions to my homosexuality. They would like to think that they haven't treated me any different than before I came out. Unfortunately, they have.
My sisters are so worried that they might do anything to "further my gayness" (i.e. they don't encourage anything that might be perceived as effeminate).
When I was in change therapy my brother was my best friend. We did everything together. His home was my second home. Do you know how long its been since he invited me to do anything with him outside of work? Give you a hint: it corresponds with the time I came out.
My mother still struggles... but I know that she loves me still... she's really trying to work this all out.
My hero has been my father. He wants me to be happy. He may not agree with my choice to come out, but he loves me forever. If anything, our relationship has become even more solid than before.
2) It's been difficult to show them that IT IS a SERIOUS relationship. Todd comes to family dinner with me every week and I think they've started to realize that he's not going away. A few weeks ago he told me that he doesn't feel like a visitor anymore, but rather another member of the clan. They have treated him kindly from the first time they met him. I am still worried about how they will respond when my relationship becomes more serious.

Q: What's the biggest challenge to keeping your relationship fresh with Todd and how do you manage it?
A: Well, Todd and I have been together for less than a year, so luckily there hasn't been too much need to freshen up our relationship. As true, cheesy romantics we know how to woo each other. Taking the initiative to make special plans (simple or extravagant) for the other person, has proven to be a good way to show how we feel about the other.
I'm sure the day will come that we will be in need of freshening up, so if you have any suggestions, feel free to offer them.

Q: How did you and Todd meet?
A: Long story... So I'll summarize it.
Todd and I are the only people in AZ that Mark knows, so he set us up. We became Facebook Friends and got to talking a lot. Finally I got him to ask me on a date, but it was going to be two weeks before we had time to get together. So we continued to talk for another week.
The Sunday before our scheduled date I got brave and told him that I'd rather not wait another 6 days to see him. He told me he felt the same.
So I made the hour long drive to his place, and brought him my special homemade cheesecake. We watched Arrested Development. He swears it was only the cheesecake that won him over. I like to think I had SOMETHING to do with it though.
By the time our scheduled first date rolled around, we had been on six other dates.
The rest is history.

Q: I want to know about you and Todd. I want to know how you make your relationship work and what makes it hard and what makes it great.
A: Hahaha, how does any relationship work? I think the first thing that we had to do was realize that "Love" is work. "Bliss" is a feeling and an emotion. However, the real love is seen when we are willing to put the other person's needs at the top of our priority list. The second thing is to keep communicating and discussing our feelings, thoughts, and concerns.
What makes it hard? .... Politics. :) We don't have all the same beliefs or ideals...
But what makes it great? ... The fact that we can work through those things. We can stay open-minded and respect our differences. We focus on the big things and can move past and grow from the little things.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It means a lot to know that ANYONE is reading this blog. I had fun answering them all!

The Answers - Part 1

Thank you all for your tremendous help!

I really enjoyed your questions because they gave me some time for introspection. Unfortunately, I'm late in posting your answers, and still I couldn't manage to fit them all into this one post.
This is Part 1.
Part 2 will be posted in a couple of days.
I also need to preface that some of you may find that my honesty may be a bit too explicit for your tastes. I've tried to mark those answers the best I could. I apologize in advance if I offend anyone.
I hope you enjoy!


Q: What are your plans for the future? Are you in school? What is your dream job?
A: My general plans for the future haven't really changed much considering my "sexual-orientation-crisis". I still want a good job, get married, start a family of my own, and return to live with my Father in Heaven. My motto has become "Progression"; be a better person today than I was yesterday.
School... dang I need to still register... I keep forgetting. I will have my associates at the end of this fall semester. The plan to finish my undergraduate is still in the air for now, but I'll figure that out soon. I would like to get my graduate degree from University of Washington in clinical psychology. Which leads to my dream job of being a psychologist with a focus in sexual abuse victims.
Now check back in in 5 years and lets see how close I came to these goals.

Q: Which is better looking your left eye brow or your right?
A: My right eye brow! For sure. Some may say that I'm bias because I'm right-handed, but I swear that it just photographs better than my left. Plus, when its time to wax, my right brow hurts less. It's like it wants to be good looking, so it loosens it follicles, and just gives away the wild and straggly hairs.

Q: I want to know if you taking steps to keep your prostate healthy. Too many old men are dying of prostate cancer and we know from long term studies that there's something young men can do to reduce their risk in later life. You do know what this is, don't you?
A: **EXPLICIT** Yes, I do know what this is. I assure you that I am taking these cautionary steps; as tedious as they may be. I am putting a LOT of hard work into it, very frequently. Todd checks often for me.
Health first you know ;)

Q:When did you know - I mean really know - that you are gay? Was there some experience or epiphany that cemented this fact into your mind? Oh, and what is your favorite clothing item? :)
A: **EXPLICIT** This is one of those questions that in order to be completely honest with you, my readers, I have to get a bit graphic. There are several instances in my life that I remember "seeing" my gayness emerge. I've been called gay since before I even knew what that meant. The moment that I truly remember first thinking "Oh, my gosh, I'm gay..." was also the first time I masturbated. I was 13, looking at pictures of naked girls, not for the first time, with friends because they wanted to... and I wanted friends. They refused to watch porn with men in it, so that no one could accuse them of being gay. After a while, they all left my house. It was me and the computer, all alone. I didn't like looking at girls, at all. I wasn't excited when I saw their bodies. All I wanted to do was write "WHORE" across those girls' foreheads.
I quickly justified that it would be okay to look at naked men, because I had a penis too. I was shocked at how my body reacted to these pictures. I had an erection so hard that the pressure began to make it ache. I started rubbing it to ease the aching, without removing my eyes from the computer screen.
I came.
In that moment, I saw a deep piece of me. Just as quickly, I rationalized it away.

NOW, let me clarify. Was it the porn and masturbation that made me gay? ABSOLUTELY NOT. This cannot account for the gay traits, attributes and feelings that I was aware of years before this story took place.

As for my favorite clothing item, I'd have to say jeans. I love a good pair of expensive denim jeans.

Q: What's your favorite: Movie, Musical, TV Show, Food? Favorite place for a holiday? Where in the world would you like to visit more then anywhere else? If you won the lottery what would you do with it? Oh! and since you suggested it... Whats your favorite colour?

Movie: It changes all the time! I just finished Doubt and, WOW, I loved it

Musical: There are so many good ones that I haven't seen yet, but as of right now I'd have to go with Aida. I will always regret not seeing the original production because I fell in love with the music the week after I had the opportunity.
T.V. Show: Better Off Ted is the current winner, but I'll need a filler show now that it's season has ended.
Food: Mexican food is heaven sent. I think it is one of the things Christ taught the people in the Americas when he visited.
Getaway: Northern Arizona is only a few hours away, but provides a nice escape from the city and the hot weather.
Dream Destination: I would love to be able to slip away to Southern Europe for a few weeks. Some day...
Lottery Loot: I'd build my dream home, and invest the rest; set up a Living Trust and an Education Fund/Foundation. I'm boring, I know.
Color: Blues! However, red and black are my favorite color combination.

To be continued...

Your Help Is Needed!

I just got back from the theater. (Yes, apparently it's much easier to drag Todd to a 10:40pm movie than a midnight showing. The 1 hour and 20 minute makes a big difference in his attitude.... Only kidding babe :) We decided to go see Julie & Julia. It didn't get great reviews or anything, and we were pretty sure that it would be a flop. However, being the true gays that we are, we love Meryl Streep and had to go support her. It was a cute story with no real plot and void of a climax, but entertaining none the less. It is also is the only movie to date that is based on a blog.

This got me thinking, does my blog serve any purpose? What do I hope to accomplish by it? When will I know that it has served its purpose and it is time to retire it? Hell, I only know a faction of the people that read it. For every person who comments, there are about 30 others who don't. I'm fine with this, I just hope that sharing my stories help all of my readers somehow.

So here is what I need from you....
I want your suggestions and/or questions.
I want to know what my readers what to read.

So feel free to ask me anything. No limits. It doesn't need to be serious of Earth shattering. Ask those dumb "get to know you" questions (i.e. who my best friend is, or my favorite color) if you can't think of anything.

If you are brave enough to ask, I will answer. Oh but one little rule, I won't be replying to any Anonymous questions so at least make up a name.

Alright, here it goes!
Leave your comments here and on August 12th I will post my answers.

ABC: Art, Besties, & Cash

First of all, thanks to Jay for his picture, which is now featured as my August Header Man.

Second of all, Stephen, the Gay Mormon, won Paris Hilton's My New BFF!!!
Todd and Stephan were in seminary together back at Upland High, so we were rooting for him from the beginning. Then last week he got kicked off. I was freaking out. Tonight was the finale and in a surprise twist Paris called Stephen out of the line of eliminated contestants and asked him to please take her back. He did, of course.

Lastly, its funny how finances all come up at the same time. My car breaks down and its time to get new insurance for it. The car has to get tested for emissions, so I can pay to re-register the damn thing. My windshield cracks and then there is school on top of it all.
Just pray for me to get through the next few months.

Too Busy To Blog?

I've been really bad at blogging lately. I'd feel bad, except it seems I'm not the only one slacking :)
The fun of this summer has made it challenging for us bloggers to keep up to date.
So here are the things that have kept me busy this past week...

Salt River: Yes, it is disgustingly dirty and attracts all sorts of classy bitches. However, you cannot leave that place without a good story, tons of memories, and usually a pretty good tan. It was my good friend Tye's birthday and as per his request, we headed to the river early Friday morning. We rode the whole stretch under constant cloud cover. No tan, but some trees scratched me up nicely.

Restaurant Of Fire: Ok, so I'm totally a "The Office" fanatic (well not lately since the season ended abruptly and and the comedy has been lacking. But that is not the point of this post). There was this one episode where some of the characters go to Benihana. Since this episode I have been dying to see that Onion Volcano Magic in real life. IT FINALLY happened! Tye's birthday dinner was at a fancy Japanese restaurant. And when they brought out that onion, I almost pooped my pants in excitement. It was everything I imagined and more.

Bare: IT IS HERE!!! Back in December, Dallin exposed me to a little musical called "bare: a pop opera". I fell in love with it. I used to log on to his blog just to hear the music. Finally in February I broke down and bought the soundtrack. It became a little bit of an obsession for me. I wanted to know everything about this play. I've seen about ever YouTube video relating to it.
And now it is being produced HERE in the Valley Of The Sun. I've seen it twice already. I know some of the cast, and met the writer. I'll probably see it a couple more times before this run is up :)

Swimming: In all honesty, most of my recreation this summer has just been swimming. But seriously, in 110 degree weather, where else can you better enjoy your time?
Its been a pain though to go to family dinner and not be able to swim in my parents pool. They want to make sure none of the grand kids find out that I have a tattoo. I knew that was a risk when I got it, and I made the choice to get one anyway. I respect their rules and only go swimming if I'm wearing a shirt I don't mind getting wet.
However I have to wonder what the kids will think when they find out years from now that their parents and grandparents were trying to shield them from Uncle Austin's evil ink spot. I think they will realize how ridiculous it is. There just isn't very much logic behind it. It goes back to this.

Church: I forgot that Pioneer Day had been the Friday before. It was... interesting. However I did have to fight back the tears when we sang "Come Come Ye Saints." This is a perfect example of my retarded crying patterns. I cry when I have no idea why.

Visitors: Todd's cousin, David, came to visit. Finally. He brought Turtle with him, and we all were so happy he did. I hope she didn't feel marginalized being the only one that was not a Homo-momo. She was a complete and utter joy to have. David was pretty fun too ;)
I hope they enjoyed their stay!

The Baptism: My brother-in-law did it! He genuinely looked happy. I'm proud of him for doing what he felt was right even though there were lots of people in his life that tried to talk him out of it.

So that's about it. Although it's been fun, I'm hoping for a less eventful week to come. I might actually get registered for school if that happens.

No Reason

Just to remind me that he loves me and to see me smile.

:)

Yes, I do know how lucky I am.

Sob Stories

My crying habits are really weird. First of all, I cry way too much. If you were to ask my friends they would probably tell you that I never cry. I rarely let it happen in public, but I try not to isolate myself either. That means that my mother and Todd can (but probably wouldn't) recount hundreds of instances that they've caught me crying, usually over nothing.
However when I get that deep, dark, depressed feeling inside that makes me want to cry and let it all out, I can never turn on the water works. Which makes me more frustrated and depressed.
So I have a solution. There are four movies that can get me to cry.... No... Bawl.

A Walk To Remember

Dancer In The Dark

Charly

Prayers For Bobby

**SPOILER ALERT** The one common thread in all these movies is that a character always ends up dying. There are plenty of stories out there that I feel like use the death of a character solely to evoke a cheap tear from the audience. However, in these movies it's never death that brings the tears. I'm defiantly not in ANY rush to die, but death doesn't really scare me or make me sad.

Its things like noticing a boy become a man, and a girl achieve all of her dreams.

Its things like watching a mother work her ass off to help her son, and after losing hope, finding out that her efforts were not in vain.

Its things like seeing a husband in denial that his wife is dying and a mother longing for her child just to remember her.

Its things like empathizing with a boy who's mother believes God would make her pick between loving her son, and being a good Christian.

Anyway, if you if you're ever in need of a good cry, you now know where to turn. I wouldn't recommend watching them all in one sitting... it might leave you quite dehydrated.

Sales Pitch Strategies

Yesterday I finally went to the ward I'm supposed to attend. It wasn't much different than other student wards that I've been to. The congregation was packed with beautiful people, and peppered with a few of those weirdos that clearly are not getting out of the singles' ward anytime soon.
The sacrament service was headed up by the Tempe, Arizona mission president and his wife, the Craigs. Their talks were nice, and it was clear how much missionary work meant to them. Their message was somewhere along the lines of, "Every member is a missionary, so if you reactivate members who have fallen away from the church, then there will be more missionaries!"

There are several approaches that people involved in missionary work can take, most of which just irritate me. There is the salesman method; if you let them in, they won't leave till you buy the product and they have filled their quota. Then there's the force-feed technique; they chase everyone they see so they can jam their beliefs down your throat. Of course there's the lazy-ass missionary; they went out to please other people and aren't really into the mission thing so they just screw around and go through the motions. There are many more I'm sure, but the missionaries that drive me craziest are the spirit-leaders: they spend every second of their missions waiting for the spirit to tell them what to do, even what to order in the McDonald's drive-thru.

The Craigs seemed to focus on the service and sharing approach. This by far is my favorite! Basically their theory is that if you live like Christ, and try to help others who cross your path, they will come to you with a desire to know Christ, because of the way you emulated him.

---

My brother-in-law is getting baptized in ten days. I have very mixed feelings about this. He dated my sister for over 2 years, when she had little to no activity in the church. Then they got married and she hopped on the Molly Mormon Train. In all of the eight and a half years that they have been married, never have I heard him express ANY interest in joining. He has gone to church with her every Sunday and even held callings. Dozens of missionary companionships have taught him the discussions who couldn't resolve his dozens of questions. Then out of no where, last Thursday my oldest sister tells me that these new missionaries are getting him baptized.

He and my sister live in Scott's home ward, so I was recently there for sacrament meeting. Every time I've ever been in that ward, someone mentions their Stake's goal of having 5 convert baptisms a month. This last time I went the High Counselor was spouting off statistics about how they hadn't met the quota last month, but had surpassed it the month before.
My jaw hit the ground as I sat in disbelief. How do those new members feel hearing that? How could they NOT feel like another notch on a bedpost?

I haven't ever had a really deep relationship with this brother in law. I see him once or twice a week, but never would I just call him up to have a conversation. Yet, he is still probably the person in my family I would be most comfortable discussing my sexuality with. I don't know really what his views of homosexuality are, but he has always given the impression that he's accepting. He and Tiffani used to be really good friends. Like BEST friends.

If he's doing what he wants, and it will make him happy, good for him! But I'm so confused! Why now? Why is he getting baptized?
Looks like the Craigs' techniques are working out...

Love the Sinner. Hate the Sin.

I desire to be treated with respect, so I try to give that same respect to others.

** The SGA community uses the term "reparative therapy" rather than "change therapy". Their rational is that the therapy will help you repair/heal the deficits and wounds that they believe all gay men have, and thereby create a shift in your sexual orientation. I find that the general public is more familiar with the term "change therapy" and mistake "reparative therapy" for a branch of physical therapy. Ultimately the goal of this therapy IS for you to come out a different person than you went in, so I feel that "change therapy" is an accurate label. Also my computer doesn't think "reparative" is a real word.**

I truly respect those that are in change therapy. I apologize if my blog has ever given the impression that I do not. I have some deep-seated issues with the institution, but I think highly of those that turn to change therapy to find happiness. If you cannot be happy because you are attracted to your same gender, I completely respect you for taking the initiative to try to reconcile those feelings. I would not name-call, slander, or ever talk bad about those people.

I would never try to deter a man on the "Journey to Change". My thoughts, ideas and beliefs are my own and I will not push them on anyone else. **BUT, my thoughts, ideas and beliefs come from my experience with the institution and I will share them with those that will listen. I wouldn't go to an Evergreen Conference, a Fast and Testimony Meeting, or Journey into Manhood to preach my ideals. On that same note I would expect the same respect from those in change therapy. Please, do not preach your ideals on my blog, or try to force your beliefs on me if I'm not asking to hear them.

I don't really have a lot of respect for the men that run change therapy programs anymore.
My major is declared as clinical psychology. I got into this field because there was a time in my life when I was sure that I wanted to be a change therapist. I had so much respect for the men who run this program that I wanted to BE one of them.

So what changed?
In November I was still doing my course work for my major when my psych teacher took me aside and showed me my term paper. He had failed it. I had written it on change therapy, and cited all of my sources. He explained that fundamentally my paper was perfect, but that the ideas and sources reflected the concepts of the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH). I told him that I knew that and explained what my future career plans were. He got really concerned and told me that regardless he couldn't accept my paper because the APA (American Psychological Association) discredits NARTH, and every other branch or conversion, reparative, and change therapies. In fact NO mainstream health institution in America (American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, National Association of Social Workers, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Association of School Administrators, the American Federation of Teachers, the National Association of School Psychologists, the American Academy of Physician Assistants, and the National Education Association) will support them; they are all critics of such therapies and consider them harmful.

He gave me the opportunity to re-write my paper. I took it and was ready to walk out, when this concerned man asked me, "do you know what priestcraft is?" He pulled out his scriptures and read a few select verses to me. Then we sat there is silence as I digested what I had heard.
I wanted Celestial Glory. I had been told that the ONLY way to obtain that was to be straight. The only way to be straight was to pay $120 a session. There was a man making a profit off of my determination to make it to the Celestial Kingdom.

I suppose that I do still give these men respect though. I'm not trying to hurt their businesses or steal away their clientele. I have no admiration or esteem for them though.

In the end, we all try to pick the path that we feel is best for us. Naturally, sometimes that leads us to feel that people, who pick other paths, have chosen the wrong one. However, even if you feel that I'm evil there is no use in us debating, or trying to indoctrinate each other. Can't we all just show a little respect?