Remember when I wrote about my brother-in-law getting baptized? Well this last Saturday he got to baptize his son, my oldest nephew... But that's not really what this post is about.
This post has to do with me finally coming out ALL the way!
I'm out. I'm not super loud about it, but I am definitely proud to be gay. I don't care who knows, and I don't care if you have a problem with it.... Just please don't tell my Grandmother.
My dad's mother is my last living grandparent. With about 50 first cousins on that side of my family, me and my Grandma never really got a chance to be very close. However, over the past few years some of her grandchildren that she is especially close to have fallen off of the Mormon-Bandwagon; leaving room for Austin-the-good-boy to fill their roles. I've always admired my Grandma, but these last few years have given me an immense sense of appreciation.
That woman is simply amazing.
SO at my nephew's baptism Grandma sat with me. We had an interesting conversation.
Grandma: So, have you talked to Cousin #1 in a while?
Austin: No, how is she???
G: I don't know. I think she's ok. She spends all her time with this new boy of her's. Do you know who he is?
A: Nope, I guess it's been a REALLY long time since I've seen her. Do you like him, Grandma?
G: Oh I don't know. It doesn't really matter. You know, no one asks me any more. These kids just do what ever they want... they make their decisions without asking me..
I let this conversation settle, and a few other kids get dunked (Did you know they now have multiple kids getting baptized in the same meeting/session?!?! Stake baptism day! Each kid doesn't get their own anymore. WTF?). Then Grandma turned to me to start a new version, of the same conversation.
G: So did you know Cousin #2 is graduating this year?
A: No way! Wow! What's he up to?
G: He's always hanging around that girlfriend. Have you met her? Do you like her?
A: Yeah, I've met her... She's... Interesting...
G: Yeah, that's my thought too. But it doesn't really matter. None of them ask me any more. Everyone just does what they want without asking me. My opinion doesn't mean anything.
My stomach sunk.
I was getting the worlds best guilt trip.
The fact of the matter is that I would be openly gay, even if my Grandma didn't approve, but I would love to sit down and talk to her about it. I would love for her to be a support for me. So many other people in my extended family have done shitty things, and she has supported them no matter what. My worst fear is that I'll be the straw that breaks her back. There is only so much that little woman can take.
I have a feeling that she would be my number one advocate though. I can imagine her sitting in the front row at my wedding. I can see her voting for gay marriage, because her grandson (that's me) should have all the rights her other grand kids have. I know that she would totally love Todd.
In fact she has met Todd. I don't think they really got a lot of time to chit chat, but she does know about my "little friend".
I don't know... maybe it is time to tell Grandma.
P.S. I think my graduation was the only time in my life that people ever took pictures and gave them to me. Sorry for the out dated and cliche photo.
Grandmas know how to lay on the guilt trips...even when they aren't trying to do it.
ReplyDeleteOne of my greatest regrets is that my grandmother got to know who I really was, well the gay part of me anyway. She was like my best friend. I miss that woman so much.
I am with you in that your grandma might be your biggest advocate. I know that my grandma loved me unconditionally. I could see someone say something negative about me being gay and my grandmother would simply flip them off and tell them to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.
So, if you feel comfortable, tell your grandma. It might just make you closer to her than you could ever imagine.
Good luck.
The Group Baptism thing has been going on for a while. I had 3 at mine. Granted it was in SLC. I guess AZ is becoming a bigger bubble.
ReplyDeletePS, my word to prove I was a human for this post was "grandad"
First off... I LOVE old people... My grandparents are some of my favorite people!
ReplyDeleteTell her. After her saying no one cares about her opinion anymore, I think she would appreciate you telling her.
Even if for some stranger reason she doesn't approve, at least you let her know and she will love ya for that. But like you said, I bet ya she'll wrap you up in her arms and give you a grandma kiss on the cheek!
Follow your heart, Austin.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure my situation is different from yours because my grandma has Alzheimer's and she probably doesn't have too much longer left in her, but my mom and I agreed it would be better to just not tell Grandma. She wouldn't understand and we'd have to remind her every time we see her, so it just wouldn't be worth it. Haha.
ReplyDeleteMy grandma is a Lesbian, so I'm not qualified to speak on the matter, only I love my grandma very much and value her to the end of the earth.
ReplyDeletePS, my verification word was "outorium"
Austin, I think that if you approached it in the spirit of wanting to share with her a very important part of your life because of the love and respect you have for her, she would reciprocate that love. Grandmas have wisdom and often can see us more through God's eyes than we realize.
ReplyDeleteMy mom discovered her granddaughter was lesbian...and never got over it. If your grandma is uber-Mormon, she'll believe the other cousins can repent...but you're headed straight for hell. Grandparents may love us, but they were born and raised in an entirely different era and culture. Some just can't bend too far without breaking.
ReplyDeleteHowever...you could definitely get on your grandma's "gold star" list if you started asking her opinion about things like what classes to take, what clothes to buy...things that don't matter and that she probably won't remember.