The Stupid Kid

The other day I was catching up on the blogs and I found an interesting statement.

"I am not one of those stupid kids who decide that since he is gay every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed. I am not the kid who attempts to get back at the church by breaking of the morals it preaches."

My first thought was, "Well hell, I'm not that kid either!" But before I could even finish that thought I realized, I was.
It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't decide that "every aspect of the religion and its morals are flawed", but I was frustrated with the church.

Never did I assume that I could "get back at" the church.
Never did I want to hurt the church.
Never was I angry with God.


However, subconsciously I think I did feel this way:
The Church couldn't give me what I wanted, so I chose to not give them what they wanted of me.
How childish is that?
Super childish.

I realize that now. Heavy drinking and random sex are not going frustrate the church. In fact, doing those things just perpetuates the gay-stereotype.

About six weeks ago I got my eyes opened. I decided to change. I reassessed.

I don't ever want to drink again. Well, a part of me does, but the rational, in control part of me says no more.
I'm done with random hook ups too. I want commitment and real emotions involved; not a horny expression.
Yes, me and The Church disagree on some things, but the fact of the matter is that my beliefs still come from the gospel of Christ that I learned about in that church. Its not about me giving the church what they want or not. Its about doing what I feel is right and maintaining a relationship with God and my Savior.

Look Familiar?

"Your homework for next time is to make another list. I'm sure there's lots more you could add. I'll give you two days. Don't believe me? Just watch."

If I loose the few people that read my blog because of this repetitious post Alan, I'm coming after you. However, I'm scared of your threat so I'll go ahead and do it. You should make my homework more original though :)

Anonymous (who ever you may be) has helped me to get a good start:

• I'm more mature than most my age
• I have ability to see through people's inadequacies and love others, regardless
• I'm not just a pretty face

• I have an appreciation for music
• I have a decent voice
• I have years of musical education
• I'm a cuddler, like big teddy bear
• I'm not a bear
• I can be spontaneous and take big risks
• I try new things
• I can dance well enough to get positive attention.
• My quads are rock hard
  
• I have a testimony
• I have a sense of humor
• I can also be serious
• I'm extroverted
• I'm loved and liked by my nieces and nephews
• I'm a total romantic
• I can speak fluent Pig Latin

I'm scrapping the bottom of the barrel at this point.

• I can attract girls ( I think that goes back to the fact that I understand them)
• I'm Britney Spears biggest/least crazy/non obsessive fan
• I'm pretty good with remembering names
• I have a good waist size and weight... which I will never allow to change.

Ok that is SERIOUSLY all I got.
Yesterday my mom came home from work to (out of no where) ask if I was depressed or suicidal. We talked for a while... It wasn't good or bad.
Last night was.. interesting. The Forbidden scene is getting tiring.
I haven't gotten out of this slump...

The Good in Me.

Okay Alan, here's my list.... I feel like you gave me a homework assignment as my therapist :)
Things I like about myself....

• I am lean
• I'm just the right height
• I understand how basic fashion works
• When I apply myself, I really am quite smart
• I enjoy learning
• I'm pretty well rounded culturally (entertainment, food, social circles)
• I make friends easily
• I'm fairly strong
• I try to sympathize/empathize with others
• I can go after what I want/ I'm not a push over
• I'm not a flamer or a super fem
• I'm an independent thinker
• I will humbly except advice from others when feel it is requisite to do so
• I'm a good kisser
• I understand women better than most women
• I will support my friends in public, even when they are wrong

That's all I got.
I'm not sure if today could have been worse.
Letter from a sister. Letter from director of JiM.
Never really considered suicide till today...

Teary Twink

I'm an emotional boy. That seems to be the theme of the day.

1- I'm emotionally attracted to men in an emotional way first. I dislike porn strongly and rarely will comment on random boys appearances. It's the emotional pull that really draws me into a boy. I still am shallow, but looks come second in my attraction to a man.

2- I get emotional over the thought of not being accepted. Specifically by my family. I went to a wedding tonight and tears came out of no where. I kept having the reoccurring thought of, "who will come to my wedding?" Which was IMMEDIATELY answered by "not your family..."
Even if it is 5 years off, they have already promised me that they would never support such an "abomination in the sight of God. [Their] son's wedding, or not."

3- I have felt totally inadequate lately. I'll never be good enough for a Mormon boy. I'm not hot enough. I'm that trick that guys are publicly ashamed of. I know this is all very whiny, but these are the thoughts that I can't escape, or vocalize, that lead me to sob in the shower.

I try to compose myself and put on a strong face. I mean who really wants a teary twink without confidence? I want to prove my family/friends/church wrong and find happiness even though I'm queer. I'm trying to be a positive guy (although this and the past couple posts may not express that) and hope that one day this will all change. At the same time, my realistic side kicks in and tells me that unless something else changes, I will be in this emotional, repetitive, rut forever. Where do I turn?

Miss Me...

I miss my sisters.
When my family found out that I was gay, and I was put into change therapy, my sisters felt as if it was their fault that I turned out this way. It hurt me to watch as their guilt began to consume them and push them away from me.
Things have never really been the same. We used to never go a day without talking to one another, but I think the last time I talked to my any of my sisters was last Sunday. Shopping trips, random lunches, movie nights, and their need for me to be present in their life has become nonexistent.
Some of this is too be expected. After all, we all grow up and go our different ways right? Then why am I the only one that has to find a different way?
I wonder if they miss me.

Girls: Their Guys and Their Gay

Captain Midnight, they prefer to be known as fruit flies :) They say that there is one girl out there to be the soul mate of a gay man; I have three. And they all are best friends. This can be hell.
Paige, Brittanylynn, and Katy, I love you.

So last night Paige was having a get together at her house (kind of an apology for ignoring all of her friends since she got engaged). I didn't plan on going since I had a date-ish thing going on later that night, but Blynn made me feel like a terrible friend so I dropped by for a bit.
When I got there I realized instantly that I was a 9th wheel. There were four couples and Jim.

Here is the real point of this post.

I got super jealous. I didn't want Paige or Blynn in a romantic way, but I did want them all to myself. So this jealousy put me in a depression. Then I realized how terrible of a person I was for being sad that they were happy, which caused me to be even more depressed, and this cycle just kept continuing until I wanted to curl up and cry.
Paige could tell something was wrong and so I told her how I was feeling. She gave me a big hug and said, "Babe, you'll always be my gay." Great.
Brittanylynn and I dated a while back. Although she is fully aware that I am soley attracted to guys, she's made it clear that she still has romantic feelings for me. So in my fit of depression, I had the urge to pull her in and kiss her. I knew that she would recipricate. I didn't want to KISS her. I wanted to... remind her that I exist? What is wrong with me? Am I really that selfish?
This is the reason that I'm not getting married to a girl!!! Will I just get so lonely that I'd resort to marrying a girl, not because I am romanticly interested, but because I'm jealous? I wouldn't do that right?
.... Boy, mom would love it if I did though.

I don't want to be selfish and hurt a woman (and possibly even children). That's why I stoped going to therapy. Last night I was strong enough to fight off the stupid moment of rashness, so I'll be strong enough to wait for Mr. Right too.

I'm Like Julie Andrews

These are just a few of my favorite things... I feel like I need an upbeat post!

1. Hikes.
2. Disneyland.
3. New clothes.
4. Jamba Juice.
5. Trying new things :)
6. When a cute boy gives me "the nod".
7. A good book on a rainy day.
8. Christmas morning.
9. Thanksgiving afternoon.
10. Halloween night.
11. Whip cream and chocolate :)
12. Coloring books and coloring pencils.
13. General Conference.
14. Wearing a tux.
15. Ridding a horse at a full lope.
16. When my sisters spoil me.
17. Going to the theater for a play/symphony.
18. Star gazing.
19. The fact that I finally own my own car!
20. Expensive desserts.
    
21. Spending the day at the beach body boarding.
22. Getting to accessorize.
23. When a primary child understands the gospel better than the men who run the church.
24. An Arizona rain storm.
25. Being tall, without being a giant.
26. Mac products... and commercials... and stores.
27. Standing alone on a stage in an empty auditorium.
28. When my nieces and nephews get excited and tell me that they love me.
29. Holding someone.
30. Being held by a guy I like.
31. Having money in my bank accounts.
32. Sweating profusely when I finish a good run.
33. Sleeping naked... not being alone :)
34. The Office
35. That my nipple is pierced and less than 10 people know.
    
36. That Arizona doesn't have day light savings time.
37. Spending ridiculous amounts of time in my room watching episode after episode of Queer as Folk.
38. Walking with some one hand in hand.
39. Salsa and chips. Well really just Mexican food in general.
40. Believing Christ.
41. That I'm coming out (although too slowly for my taste). No more hiding!
42. I sound of a clear and steady, low range, tenor.
43. Most of the shows on Bravo!
44. That I'm blond and so shaving is really not that big of a hassle.
45. Pictures in black and white.
46. Hearing other people's stories.
47. Puedo hablar poco español.
48. GQ magazine
49. Showering :)
50. When I let myself be uninhibited.

Let ME Tell People About My Forbidden... Lust?

I'm so sick of other people taking it upon themselves to out me! Don't get me wrong, I don't usually enjoy having that awkward discussion with people one-on-one, especially people that are members of the church, but don't I at least have the right to?

My first boy and I were together for 6 months. Then we went another 5 months after we broke up trying to forget that we were gay. But at the end of May, he realized that you can't forget about your sexual orientation. He came out in a very public way. It's a scary and thing to come out alone, so that's probably why he felt the need to out me as well.
He's the reason that my parents know. That my friends I graduated with know. That my sisters know. That my old co-workers know. That some of my high school teachers know. That all my ex-girlfriends know. Even random people in Hurricane, Utah know!
I've harbored a lot of resentment toward him, and to be honest I probably still do have some, but now I feel like I have understanding for why he did it.

The thing that got me thru that time was change therapy. As long as people knew I was in change therapy, I wasn't a heathen. I could stop rumors dead in their tracks by telling people that I wouldn't always be gay. I even started to believe that myself. Change would happen if I worked and prayed hard.
It didn't turn out that way.
So now I get the opportunity to come out all over again, in a different way, on my terms.

Over the past several weeks I've eased my brother, father, and mother into the reality that I will never be happy with a woman, or alone. The idea that the love of my life will be a man.
I also have talked to two of my three sisters. Everyone has shocked me with their responses.

• My brother who I thought i was making progress with, has snapped on several occasions to "express his love for me" in a form that felt very similar to being judged.
  
• My sisters who have always directed my life, are actually being understanding and giving me the space I need to make my own decisions.
• My father, the bishop, I expected to have a really hard time. I was ready for him to put up a fight every step of the way. He has simply told me, that he will never turn his back on me; that my happiness in this life is crucial. He has expressed some concerns and fears that he has, but over all he has turned out to be a huge support. Thanks Dad.
• My mother I really thought would be my crutch during this whole coming out experience. Instead she has become a huge road block. I love my mother so much, but she is pushing me so far away. With each conversation I feel more pain and hurt. I feel second-rate. I feel unwelcome. She can't accept my decision. When will it not be up for debate anymore?

After a rather aggressive conversation yesterday with my mother, my sister, the one I haven't completely come out to came over. Mom was composed, so I thought that it would be a good time for me to go to my room and get ready for going out. I've been hesitant to tell this sister because she is by far the closest to me and the most outspoken. Her love for me has always been displayed by giving advice and telling me how life is.
I went down stairs and saw this sister crying and walking out the front door. I knew what had happened. I couldn't even be the person to tell my whole damn family.

The night just got progressively worse as I came out to my best guy friend (who lives about 20 miles away from the gossip-ville that I live in) and he took it pretty rough. He had no questions. No emotions. No input. All he ased was that I give him a coupple of weeks to process all of this.

So where does a down trodden gay go to relax? Dinner and dancing, duh. :)
I feed into the stereotypes and headed to beautiful downtown Scottsdale. RA was the first stop, to get some really good sushi (that is too expensive), then headed over to Club Forbidden. I know that I won't ever find the man of my dreams in the club, but its always fun to scope out the cuties, the interesting, and the socially retarded :) I danced all night, but hopefully next time I'll allow myself to dance with more than the same three guys... I know that it is totally a lust filled enviroment, but I figure dancing is probabbly a healthier way to express lust than porn or even having random/rampant sexual encounters.
Here's to a better weekend! Cheers (as my favorite forbidden bartender, Brian, says. Pictured below :)!

Let's Hear It For The Boy!

 (Explicit) I'm really young. Some people still call me "kid", "bud" or even "boy". I just graduated from High School in May of '08 and in just over half a year I will only be 20. I still live at home with my parents (although I'm not financially dependent on them). I make paper chains to count day the days to events I'm really excited about. I still go to the zoo at least twice a year to look at the cute animals. I ask for stickers at my doctor's office for being a brave boy and getting my shots with out crying.

Sometimes youth isn't enough.

I had my first sexual experience when I was only 17. I didn't feel young then. Skinny dipping lead to watching porn and jerking off in front of each other. We promised each other that we were straight, but we both were staring right at each other, rather than the girls on the computer screen. Within the next few weeks we went from watching each other, to touching each other. Then sucking. Then fucking. 

You can't get your virginity back.

I'm not sure whether I would change things or not if I could. There are a lot of pros and cons to both sides. I wish that I could be a novice along with my husband on our wedding night, and go thru all the nervous, experimental, how-the-hell-do-they-make-this-look-so-easy-in-porn, stages of intimacy. 

I have had sex since then, and I'm not really sure what my stance on abstinence is right now. I mostly feel like I've failed thus far, why change now. I've had boyfriends that didn't want to have sex and I was fine with that too (sometimes even glad they wanted to wait too). I can survive with out it, I just don't enjoy having to.

How Soft Is My Foundation

When I was 13 and realized I was gay, I started doubting the church. This questioning phase only lasted about a few months and ended when I convinced myself that I was not gay, but just overly horny. 

At the age of 15 I couldn't deny my sexuality anymore. My testimony had grown over the years, but wasn't strong enough to out way the fear that the church brings to that repentance process. At that point, porn and masturbation were the extent of my sexual exploration. I got into a nightly routine of reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, and then jacking off. I felt like there was a balance there. 

There were a couple of experiences that my Heavenly Father put in my path in the following years that, for me, were undeniable evidence of his existence, and his love for me. 

Here is where my confusion comes in. 

I believe that the LDS church is the most correct on the earth. I cannot deny the basic doctrines of the church. The First Vision, the Atonement of Christ, The Book of Mormon - all true.

As for the higher principles and practices of the church; I struggle with them. 

Obviously my largest issue is with the church is their stance on homosexuality.  

Here is my hope. The Church's views change over time. More importantly than that, sometimes when I ask what God would think, it's a different answer than when I ask what the Church would think. I have faith that the Church, being true, will change its views once more. The sooner, the better. Maybe this time the Church will be tolerant before the world has to pressure them into it.

Launch Party!?

My brother asked me today. "So, when are you going public?"

I thought that I would need to protect my family by easing them into all of this. Now one of them is saying that he's all ready for me to come out 100%. They never cease to surprise me.

Later this evening I went to a friends wedding reception. 

A) She was the most BEAUTIFUL bride I have ever seen. I almost though I should have asked to marry her first, and then I remembered that would mean I'd have to have sex with her :/

B) The set up was amazing and made me excited about the prospect of my future wedding. (But then I remembered that I'd need a boy for that)

C) I could have just sat down at the dessert table and ate everything there. Chocolate dipped strawberries + gourmet cup cakes = True Love

I don't think that my family will ever be supportive enough to throw me a FULL fledged wedding like my sisters and brother got. In fact, I doubt whether or not my family will even come. I SERIOUSLY doubt that my siblings will bring their children. 

I hope they continue to surprise me.

Come Out!

I did it. I came out to my parents tonight. Sorta.

I should explain. My family already knew I was gay, they just didn't know that I plan on staying gay. They had really high hopes that I would get "fixed" and move on with life. They're acceptance of me was actually of the person they hoped I would be one day. All I needed was to know that they still love and accept me as I am (and forever will be), a gay mormon, a queer son, a faggot brother. 

I had planed on having this talk with them in about a month, when I get back from my trip to Washington, but things played out differently. My parents were getting ready to go on a date, and I felt an overwhelming push from the spirit to have this talk with my mom then and there.

I just started crying and asked her if she would love me even if I ended up marring a boy. She totally lost composure and started crying and telling me that she just wanted us to be together in the Celestial Kingdom. My dad walked in at about this point and took control. 

I whole-heartedly love my father. That's not common from what I see of the gay community. I honestly love him though. He said some beautiful things to me. He told me that he wanted me to he happy, successful, and loved in this life. He also wanted me to know that he would never turn his back on me. There were other concerns that arose and we had to sort those out, but over all it went well. They are afraid that I'm too young, or that I've rushed into this decision, but they don't realize that I've had 19 years to obsess over every possible question associated with this. it may take a while for this decision to settle in with them, but its a huge relief to just have it out on the table :) I like being authentic.

Who I Am

My name is Jim. Well, not really. I'll use this as my pseudo name for a while though. Its not that I'm not ashamed of being gay; not anymore. The fake name is really just to protect my family, but once I'm fully out to all of them (hopefully by the end of March :) I'll be totally genuine and authentic on this blog. 

I've been out of the closet for about 9 months, and although the prospect of being gay never made me sad, the idea of not being a "normal" Mormon hurt me deeply. 

I was told that I wouldn't be able to serve a mission even though I knew the church was true, because I was a risk to the church. I was also told that I am unnatural because of the way I love.  These things have brought more pain into my life than any aspect of the gay lifestyle.

My dad, who was my bishop at the time, set me up with a "change" therapy counselor. I thought that I was going to become straight. I got really excited that one day I would actually WANT to have sex with a girl. I would get to marry in the temple, have children, have a 9 to 5  job and be normal. 

It was a huge let down and a waste of thousands of dollars. But now that part of life is behind me and I get to be happy. 

I'm still gay. I'm ok with that. I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and I have a testimony of it. Maybe that is contradictory, but I don't feel like it is. I feel like my father in heaven loves me still. I know that Christ understands where I'm coming from has compassion for me. I trust in him. Everything is going to be alright. I accept myself for who I am.