When I was six or so I met Tiffani. She treated me like a little prince from the day I met her. She pampered me and loved me. She was about 15 years older than me. She had a strong personality. She was beautiful. She was gay.
She was a very close family friend. My Saturdays were spent hanging out with her. I spent more time in the summers at her house than at my own. I would wake up early before school to go on bike rides with her. We went shopping together. If nothing else, she exposed me to Jamba Juice... so that should tell you just how cool she is :)
I was started to discover that I was gay when I turned 13 and I wanted to talk to her about it more than anything, but I had an unfounded fear that she would tell some one in my family that I was gay. Even though my family outwardly seemed to be ok with Tiff's sexual orientation, I knew that they would not be as cool about me coming out. Instead I sat back down in the closet and just observed this remarkable woman live her life unafraid of what others might think.
Then, just before I turned 14, Tiffani stepped out of my life without any warning. I was distraught. My best friend had abandoned me. The only one who knew what it was like to have "this gay thing" inside of me. It hurt so badly that I just worked my way further into the back of the closet to cry. I didn't want to associate with the woman that, it felt, had given up on me. I didn't want to be gay.
Years went by and I thought a lot about Tiffani. I never tried to contact her. I was sure that she had forgotten me long ago.
I got outed. I went to change therapy. I left change therapy. I came out.
Then two nights ago we went out to dinner.
She's the one that contacted me set up the dinner date. Apparently one of my sisters had talked to Tiffani recently and mentioned that I was gay, to which she responded, "Duh, we talked about that when he was nine, remember? I just worried that he'd never come out and accept himself."
I didn't realize how hurt and how much animosity I still had for her until I was standing face to face with her at her condo entrance. We awkwardly walked to dinner and I let my emotions flood inside of me. I felt sick and had no appetite.
"I'm sorry..." And with those words all of my old feelings about this marvelous woman came rushing back. She apologized for leaving so unexpectedly. We talked about a lot of things pertaining to the end of our previous friendship. I now understand where she was coming from and do not blame her at all for doing what she needed to do and taking care of herself.
I'm so grateful that she took the initiative to seek me out. I'm so happy to have her back in my life , and that she wants to be active once again in it.
Thank God for old friends, new friends, and good friends in general.
She's the one that contacted me set up the dinner date. Apparently one of my sisters had talked to Tiffani recently and mentioned that I was gay, to which she responded, "Duh, we talked about that when he was nine, remember? I just worried that he'd never come out and accept himself."
I didn't realize how hurt and how much animosity I still had for her until I was standing face to face with her at her condo entrance. We awkwardly walked to dinner and I let my emotions flood inside of me. I felt sick and had no appetite.
"I'm sorry..." And with those words all of my old feelings about this marvelous woman came rushing back. She apologized for leaving so unexpectedly. We talked about a lot of things pertaining to the end of our previous friendship. I now understand where she was coming from and do not blame her at all for doing what she needed to do and taking care of herself.
I'm so grateful that she took the initiative to seek me out. I'm so happy to have her back in my life , and that she wants to be active once again in it.
Thank God for old friends, new friends, and good friends in general.
That's awesome... I think reconnecting with people can be a wonderful and cathartic experience.
ReplyDeleteBTW--I'm getting so excited to meet you in just 2 weeks!
Sometimes I wish I were more perceptive. I had no idea you were feeling that way. Tiffani is an amazing person. :)
ReplyDeletewell, i'm a little behind here, but better late than never... austin, first and foremost, i'm back. you've never left my heart...as i've told you before, one of the biggest regrets in my life was leaving you. i have always loved you and your family with every ounce of myself and because of that, i knew i needed to create a little space knowing we'd always find our way back. i am so glad that years later, you are the amazing young man, i've always known you'd be.
ReplyDeletei know you've struggled. i know it was as hard for you as it was as hard for me to leave you. you are right, you and i were best friends and i have so many memories of you, as if you were my own brother. just as my own brother, i know that now that we've reconnected, i am happy to finally get to know you, as an adult. such an amazing experience to have once seen you as a 6 year old - 13 year old and now a adult!
despite of my personal challenges, you do not know what an honor it is to have you appreciate who i am. i don't have to tell you that despite of how open i am about who i am, it always comes with some challenges. i am fortunate to have a family who has always accepted me regardless of how hard it may be for them to have a gay child or sibling. i know your family and they are loving, caring, and beautiful people. they will always love you austin. you are fortunate to have your family.
i feel so blessed to have you back in my life in whatever capacity that you want me. i know it has been a while, but always know that there has not been one day that has gone by that i have not thought about you, missed you, and wanted to spend my saturday with my best friend austin!i am so glad that i have another chance to show you what you have and will always mean to me. to more days of jamba juice. i love you.
tiffani
Austin, being in the Montez family for 5 years you have no idea how many times i have heard your name. :)
ReplyDeletei knew about your sister, jenn from daniel and my first week of dating. he told me about you and how concerned he was about your mental and emotional state of being gay.
we were all worried that you would never be able to accept yourself as the amazing strong man that you are. i am so proud of you, and of how strong you are. you are so much braver than i mr.
i only got to get to know you for that night, but i can tell you that i want you in my life. you are such an amazing young man. daniel was so happy to get to connect with you again. and i know that tiffani was waitng for years to see you again. she misses you a lot and you have made a profound impact on her life.
thank you for being you. :)
i am so excited to get to know you.
michael